作者：章华
出版社：时代文艺出版社
格式: AZW3, DOCX, EPUB, MOBI, PDF, TXT
那些妙趣横生的故事：英汉对照试读：
● If life were like a computer● This is no time to be superstitious!● You can't call that food● Who is nuts？● Women's secrets● Are you a normal person？● Open one eye and close one eye● Happiness in dream● Can pilots fly？● Hi Dan!● Half glass of water● Make him a conductor● A letter to her son● He looks just like you● That record will stand forever● Logic reasoning● Men are from Mars，Women are from Venus● Which woman● Get the kid● I don't want Him to know I'm here.● A professional gambler● How to refuse a boy● Women's words about marriage● All in the same boat● This is my first operation● Bad acting has its benefits● Columbus' telephone number● 4-4＝？● If I am a manager● Where is the father？● Logical thinking● Those funny words● I shall not come back● Time is money for both of us● Tell me when we get there● You can always tell which way the wind is blowing● When do people talk least？● Good news and bad news● A trip to disney● Good-bye，money● A new employee● Cannonical Murphy's laws of combat● New baby● Violin lessons● Garfield's Words● Life after death● You only find out who's been swimming naked when the tide goesout● Roast pig● A letter for the girlfriend● What I want in a man at different ages● A Man vs. A Woman● Mind twistersIf life were like a computer
假如生活是一台电脑
You are too late
on a bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.
“sorry，” he said to the pickpocket，“you are too late. My wife did it before you.”
你太晚了
在公共汽车上，有个人发现小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。“对不起，”他对小偷说，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”
It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner，“What is your offense？”
“I did my Christmas shopping early this year，” cried the prisoner.
“There's nothing wrong with that，” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping？”
“Before the store opened，” answered the prisoner.
圣诞佳节到来，法官心情愉悦地问犯人： “你做了什么坏事啊？”“我今年圣诞节购物早了些。”犯人回答。“这么做没错啊”，法官说：“到底多早之前啊？”“商店开门之前。”犯人答道。
Problem with gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says，“Doctor，I have this problem with gas，but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact，I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.” The doctor says，“I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor，” she says，“I don't know what the hell you gave me，but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly.” The doctor says，“Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses，let's start working on your hearing.”
放屁的问题
有位小老太太去看医生，她对医生说：“医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，因为我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上，自从我进了你办公室后，已经放了至少20个屁了，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。”医生说：“好的，我明白了。吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。”一个星期后，老太太来了，“医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音，但是怎么这么臭！”医生说：“太好了！既然你的嗅觉正常了，我们开始治听觉吧。”
If life were like a computer
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” （Ctrl，F） to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise，just click on “run”! If you mess up your life，you could always press “Ctrl，Alt，Delete” and start all over!
假如生活是一台电脑
你可以通过控制面板增加或者删除一些人；可以把孩子放进回收站，然后在你喜欢的时候再还原；可以通过调整显示器的设置让外表更好看；可以在吵闹的时候关掉音箱；可以点击“搜索”找到丢失了的遥控器和车钥匙；锻炼身体的时候，点击“运行”。要是你的生活一团糟，同时按下“ctrl，alt，delete”键，一切就会重新开始。
知道不知道
英文的放屁有很多种说法，比较通俗的说法有fart，可用作不及物动词和名词。如果想文雅一点，比如有的小朋友喜欢把“放屁”说成“排气”，那么英语里就可以说break wind，或者cut the cheese。此外，比较正式的用法还有expel gas ，pass gas等。This is no time to be superstitious!
都什么时候了，还这么迷信!
Much worse
Policeman：Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch？
Man：If I had opened my mouth，they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
那就更糟了
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
Psychiatrist
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc，” he said，“I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed，I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year，” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week，and I'll cure your fears.”“How much do you charge?” one hundred dollars per visit.“ I'll sleep on it，” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit？The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How？” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!”
心理医生
杰瑞去看心理医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！” “给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“怎么收费呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那儿没人了！”
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said，“I hear sirens. Jump!”
The second one said，“But we're on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back，“This is no time to be superstitious!”
两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧!”
第二个说：“但是我们在13层啊!”
第一个朝他大喊道：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信!”
A kid asked his dad，“Hey，Pop，can you write in the dark？” The dad answered，“Sure. What do you want me to write？” The boy said，“Your name on this report card.”
有个孩子问他爸爸：“嘿，爸，你能在黑暗中写字吗？”
爸爸回答：“当然。你要我写什么？”
男孩说：“在这个成绩单上写你的名字。”
A tricky girl said，“Mom，I got a one hundred in school today!” The mom replied，“Great，sweetie，tell me about it.” The girl reluctantly said，“Well，I got a twenty in math，a thirty in history and a fifty in spelling.”
一个狡猾的女孩说：“妈妈，我今天在学校得了一个100分！”
妈妈回答说：“太好了，小可爱。跟我说说情况。”
这个女孩不情愿地说：“嗯，我数学得了20分，历史得了30分，拼写得了50分。”
知道不知道
13在西方是个不吉祥的数字，希腊神话说，在哈弗拉宴会上共出席了12位天神。宴会当中，一位不速之客——烦恼与吵闹之神洛基忽然闯来了。这第13位来客的闯入，招致天神宠爱的快乐喜悦之神柏尔特送了性命。柏尔特死了，整个地球都陷入了黑暗和哀伤之中。从那一刻起，数字13便成了不祥之兆。
在圣经中也涉及到不吉利数字13，背叛耶稣的传道者犹大是最后的晚餐中的第13个客人。因此在西方的大厦里通常没有13层楼或者13号的门牌。有一部著名的科幻电影叫《第十三层空间》 （The Thirteenth Floor），影片里的那套虚拟系统就在公司的第13层楼，也许编剧意在反讽连这套虚拟系统或许都是根本不存在的。You can't call that food
你不能称那东西为食物
A father told his son，“When Lincoln was your age he walked ten miles to school every day.” The kid replied，“Well，when he was your age，he was president!”
一个父亲告诉他的儿子：“当林肯在你这个年纪的时候，他每天走10里路去上学。”
孩子回答：“嗯，当他在你这个年纪时，已经是总统了。”
A cult leader claimed that he survived on air. A doubter said，“I saw you eating French fries at McDonald's yesterday.” The guru replied，“You can't call that food.”
有一个教派的领导者宣称，他靠空气就能存活。
一个表示怀疑的人说：“我昨天还看到你在麦当劳吃薯条。”
这位宗教领袖回答：“你不能称那东西为食物。”
I knew a guy who played his radio only in the morning. When someone asked him why，he replied，“This is an AM radio.”
我认识一个人，他只在早上收听广播。
当有人问他为什么时，他回答：“（我的）这一台是AM（调幅）收音机。”
The Easter Bunny，an honest lawyer，Santa Claus and a drunk find a fifty-dollar bill together. Can you guess who gets to keep it？Of course，it's the drunk because the other three don't exist.
复活兔、诚实的律师、圣诞老人和一个醉汉同时看到一张50美元的钞票。你能猜到是谁会保留它吗？
当然是醉汉了，因为其他三个并不存在。
A boy told his mom she was awful at raising kids. She replied，“Hold your tongue. That's not true!” The boy said，“Then why do you send me to bed when I'm not tired and wake me up in the morning when I am？”
一个男孩告诉他妈妈，说她在养育孩子方面做得很糟糕。
这位母亲回嘴说：“住口，那不是真的！”
男孩说：“那为什么你总是在我不困的时候叫我上床睡觉，在早上我困的时候叫醒我？”
知道不知道
复活节是最古老最有意义的基督教节日之一。它庆祝的是基督的复活，即耶稣基督在十字架上受刑死后三天复活，象征着重生和希望。
复活节庆祝日期大致在3月22日至4月25日之间。典型的复活节礼物跟春天和再生有关系：鸡蛋、小鸡、小兔子、鲜花，特别是百合花是这一季节的象征。鸡蛋和小兔子在西方是新的生命和兴旺发达的象征。鸡蛋的本色象征太阳，把鸡蛋染成红色则象征生活幸福。Who is nuts？
谁是傻瓜？
Ten men applied for a job as an industrial spy. The interviewer gave each man a sealed envelope. They were ordered to deliver it to the fifth floor.
One man secretly disobeyed and opened his envelope. It read，“You're the right person for this job. Report to the personnel department immediately.”
有10个男人去应征产业间谍的工作。面试者给每个人一个封好的信封。他们被命令把信封送到五楼。
有一个人偷偷地违反命令，打开了给他的信封。上面写着：“你是这份工作最合适的人选。马上到人事部报到。”
At a wedding，a little boy asked his mother，“Mommy，why does the girl wear white？” She answered，“The bride wears white because this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thought about this and said，“Why is the groom wearing black？”
在一场婚礼上，一个小男孩问他的母亲：“妈妈，为什么那女孩穿白衣服？”这位母亲回答道：“新娘穿白衣服，是因为今天是她最快乐的一天。”这个男孩想了想然后说：“那为什么新郎穿黑衣服？”
Do you know what Americans call a person in the White House who is intelligent，honest and modest？The answer is “a tourist.”
你知道美国人如何称呼白宫里聪明、诚实、谦虚的人吗？
答案是“观光客”。
Three gorillas fell out of a tree one by one. The first one was sick，the second was being a copycat and the third gave in to peer pressure.
有三只猩猩一个接一个地从树上掉下来。
第一只生病了，第二只盲目模仿，第三只屈服于同僚压力。
Who is nuts？
In a hospital for mentally disturbed people，when the doctor walked into the room of a patient，he saw him dangling from the ceiling. Being frightened，he called the nurse to come and pull him down for fear that the man might fall to his death. The nurse
said：“Doctor，every day this patient thinks that he is a lamp，therefore，he often hangs from the ceiling!” The doctor said：“No，you have to pull him down at once；otherwise，he'll die if he falls down.”
After a pause，the nurse answered：“But the light will go out after I pull him down!”
谁是傻子？
一家精神病院里，医生走进一个病人的房间，发现病人正吊在天花板上晃来晃去。医生吓坏了，担心病人摔下来一命呜呼，赶紧叫护士把病人拉下来。护士说：“医生，这个病人每天都认为自己是一盏灯，所以常常把自己吊在天花板上。“医生说：“不行，你还是得马上把他拉下来，免得他摔死。”
护士停顿了一下，说：“可是，如果我把他拉下来，灯不就熄了吗？”
知道不知道
白色婚纱在维多利亚时代最为盛行。当年，维多利亚女王就是身穿漂亮的白色婚纱嫁给心上人的。从此，白色婚纱风靡全世界，一直到现在仍然是最受女孩们青睐的婚庆礼服，因为它象征着纯洁和忠贞。Women's secrets
女人，不能说的秘密
◎Women especially love a bargain. 女人特别喜欢便宜货。
◎Women love to shop. It is the only area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. 女人喜欢购物。她们觉得那是她们在这个世界上唯一能控制的领域。
◎Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it，even if they have nothing to say. 女人喜欢交谈。沉默使她们不安，她们需要用交谈打破沉默，即使她们没什么可说的。
◎Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. 女人需要感觉到别人不如她们。
◎Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 女人讨厌虫子。当看到一只蜘蛛或黄蜂时，即使意志力很强的女人也需要一个男人在身旁。
◎Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 女人经常结伴去公共卫生间。这是她们八卦的好机会。
◎ Women think all beer is the same. 女人觉得所有品牌的啤酒都是一个味儿。
◎Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 女人不能领略体育节目的魅力。男人从那些能让他们逃离现实的东西中寻找娱乐，女人则从那些能提醒她们现实有多糟糕的东西中寻找娱乐。
◎Women are paid less than men，except for one field：Modeling. 女人的薪水比男人低，只有一个行业例外——模特。
◎Women do not know anything about cars，even if they drive a car themselves. 女人对汽车一无所知，即使她们自己开车。
◎Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girl friend for two weeks，and upon returning home，she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.女人喜欢煲电话粥。一个女人去看她的女朋友，她们一起生活了两个星期，她刚刚回家便会给这个女朋友打电话，然后会聊上3个小时。
◎Women do not want an honest answer to the question，“How do I look？” 在“我看上去怎么样？” 这个问题上，女人不想得到诚实的答案。
◎“Oh，nothing，”has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.“哦，没什么。”这句话在女人的字典里的意思和在男人字典里的完全不同。
◎ All women will say that they are overweight，but don't agree with them about it. 所有女人都会说自己超重，但千万别对此表示赞同。
◎Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. 面对超速行驶的罚单，噘嘴可以使女人免于处罚，却会使男人被拘留。
◎Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. 女人并不真的在乎男人是否有幽默感，尽管她们声称幽默感很重要。
◎Women will spend hours dressing up to go out，and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men；women will always catch men checking out other women. 女人在出门前花费数小时化妆，然后她们出门，花更多时间注视其他女人。男人永远不会察觉女人注视着其他男人，而女人总能抓住男人注视着其他女人。
◎The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. 最让女人尴尬的就是在一个正式的聚会上，发现另一个女人穿着和自己同样的衣服。
知道不知道
如何用英语骂女人
She is so neurotic and you can't imagine what she did to my cat. 她太神经质了，你想不到她对我的猫咪都干了些什么。
You are absolutely a disgrace of a human being.你真是人类的耻辱。（其实这句话的听众不只女性，男人同样也没问题）
The bitch is back! 该死，又来了！（这句话也是Elton John与Bernie Taupin 创作的一支非常著名的单曲。灵感来自Taupin的妻子，当时几个人正讨论Caribou 专辑，但是突然间Elton John那传说中的爆脾气又来了，他大发无名火，惹得Taupin 的老婆直呼“the bitch is back！”）Are you a normal person？
你精神正常吗？
The doctor lives downstairs
“Doctor，” she said loudly，bouncing into the room，“I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me.”
He surveyed her from head to foot. “Madam，” he said at length，“I've just three things to tell you. First，your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second，your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third，I'm an artist，the doctor lives downstairs.”
医生住在楼下“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地告诉我，我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量了她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的相貌将会变美。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
Are you a normal person？
During a visit to the mental asylum，a visitor asked the director，“What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized？” “Well...” said the director，“we fill up a bathtub，and we offer a teaspoon，a teacup，and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.” “Oh，I understand，” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.” “Noooooooo!” answered the director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”
你精神正常吗？
一个参观者在参观一所精神病院的时候问院长，“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该进精神病院呢？” “哦… …”院长说，“是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “哦，我明白了”，参观者说，“正常人会选择水桶，因为水桶比茶匙和茶杯的容积大。” “错了”，院长回答道，“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。
Who's going deaf？
A man tells a doctor，“I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do？”
The doctor says，“Well，try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer，move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is.”
The man goes home，sees his wife and says，“Hi honey，what's for dinner？” He doesn't hear an answer，so he moves closer. “Honey，what's for dinner？” He repeats this several times，until he's standing right next to her.
Finally，she answers，“For the tenth time，I said we're having Pot Roast!”
谁要聋了？
丈夫告诉医生：“我想我的妻子快要聋了，我可以做些什么呢？”
医生告诉他：“嗯，先尝试测测她的听力吧。站在离她有一段距离的地方，问一个问题，如果她没有回答，走近一点再问一遍。一直重复直到她回答为止。这样我们就可以知道情况有多糟了。”
丈夫回到家，看见妻子便问：“亲爱的，晚餐吃什么？”他没有听到回答，于是走近一点再问：“亲爱的，晚餐吃什么呢？”这样重复了好几次，直到他就站在妻子旁边了。
终于，她回答了：“这是第十次了，我说我们吃炖肉！”
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist：What's your problem？
Patient：I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist：How long has this been going on？
Patient：Ever since I was an egg!
我想我是一只鸡
精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？
病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。
知道不知道
晒晒和nut有关的词汇和口语里常用到的句子吧：
nut坚果，疯子，头，螺母
walnut核桃
peanut花生
chestnut板栗
cashew腰果
almond杏仁
pistachio开心果
hazelnut榛子
nutcracker胡桃夹子
a hard nut to crack难以对付的人或者事
be nuts about对……疯狂着迷
it costs peanuts.很便宜。Open one eye and close one eye
睁一只眼，闭一只眼
Wife：You see. According to the statistics on the paper，80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcohol.
Husband：It's okay. To my investigation，all these people eat meals.
妻子：你看这张报纸，据统计，死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什么？据我调查，死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的。
One day，Eve asked Adam，“Do you really love me？”
Adam said helplessly，“Do I have any other choice？”
一天，夏娃问亚当:“你当真爱我吗？”
亚当无可奈何地回答:“我还有别的选择吗？”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks，“What was that for？”She says，“I found a piece of paper in your pocket with‘Betty Sue’written on it.”He says，“Jeez，honey，‘Betty Sue’was the name of the horse I bet on.” She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks，“What was that for？”She answers，“Your horse called.”
一个家伙正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么？”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。
三天后，他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么？”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
Wife talking to her husband （who reads the newspaper all day） :“I wish I were a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day. ”
Husband：“I wish that too，so I could change you daily. ”
妻子对整天坐在那里看报纸的丈夫说：“我希望我就是报纸，这样你就可以整天把我捧在手上了。”
丈夫说：“我也希望你是报纸，那样的话我可以天天换新的。”
A：What would you do if you find your husband date with another woman？
B：I'll open one eye and close one eye .
A：How kind you are!
B：No ，I 'll shoot him!
A：如果你发现你丈夫与别的女人约会你会怎么做？
B：我会睁一只眼，闭一只眼。
A：你太善良了!
B：不，我要射死他!
Why is he howling
Dentist：Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient：I know，but you are standing on my foot!
他为什么喊
牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢。
病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！
知道不知道
上帝在东方造了一个伊甸园，并给里面配上了许多种活物。园中央有两棵树：生命树与智慧树。上帝造了亚当，让他去园中，告诉他说，除生命树和智慧树上的果子外，其他果子他都能吃。上帝派所有动物到亚当那里，亚当就给所有动物取了名。之后，上帝就让亚当好好睡一觉。亚当睡觉的时候，上帝取下他的一根肋骨，用这根骨头造了夏娃，这样，亚当就不会孤单了。亚当和夏娃光着身体，很幸福地生活在伊甸园里，与上帝和谐相处。Happiness in dream
梦中的幸福
Camera
On our way to a wedding in Vermont，my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and，hoping to purchase a cheap，disposable model. Sal asked the owner，“Do you have any of those throwaway cameras？”
“Look，fella，” replied the owner，“I don't care what you do with it after you buy it.”
照相机
在前往威蒙特参加一个婚礼的路上，我和丈夫意识到我们忘了带照相机。我们在一家百货商店门前停了下来，希望能够买到一种便宜的，一次性照相机。萨尔问店主：“你们有那种用了就扔的照相机吗？”“我说，小伙子，”店主回答说，“我可不管你买了之后怎么处理它。”
To patch the hole of pants
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. “I feel terrible，” she said. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
“Forget it，” said her husband. “Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“Yes，” said the woman，cheering up. “And it's lucky you have. I used another pants to patch the hole.”
补衣服
一位年轻的丈夫下班回到家里，发现新娘心烦意乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说，“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”“没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说，“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”“是的，” 妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”
Millionaire
CEO：“My wife made a millionaire out of me.”
Assistant：“What were you before？”
CEO：“a multimillionaire.”
百万富翁
CEO：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。
助手：以前你是什么？
CEO：千万富翁。
An absent-minded husband
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him，and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked，and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
“Why are you so nervous？” I asked him.
“The numbers are the date of our anniversary.” my husband confessed.
心不在焉的丈夫
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的笔记本电脑。到了机场出口处时，有位检查员要他打开包。但是包锁上了，机场工作人员耐心地等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。“密码是我们的结婚纪念日。”他承认道。
Happiness in dream
There was a wife who told her husband，“Last night I dreamed you bought me a mink coat and a diamond ring.”
The husband put down his newspaper and said，“Fine! Tonight go back to sleep and wear them.”
梦中的幸福
妻子告诉丈夫说：“昨天晚上我梦见你给我买了一件裘皮大衣和一个钻戒。”丈夫放下手中的报纸说：“好啊！今晚再睡着时，你就穿戴上它们吧。”
知道不知道
不管是在梦里，还是真实生活里，偶尔做做Day dream（白日梦）也不失为一种好的放松方式。不知大家有没有听过一位叫Daydream的钢琴师演奏的音乐，若是听到，一定会让你心动的。Can pilots fly？
飞行员会飞吗？
In the supermarket
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and asked，“You know，I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes？”
“Why？” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman，my wife appears out of nowhere.”
在超市里
在一个超市里，一个男子走向一位非常漂亮的小姐，对她说：“我和我的妻子走散了，你能和我聊一会儿吗？”“为什么呢？”这个小姐问。“因为每当我与漂亮小姐聊天时，我的妻子就会不知从什么地方冒出来。”
Relative by marriage
A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge.
The husband pointed to a mule in a pasture. “Relative of yours？” he asked.
“Yes，” she replied. “By marriage.”
婆家的亲戚
一对夫妻开着车出去，走了很长一段时间谁也不吭声。因为在这之前他们曾争吵得很厉害，并且谁也不肯让步。
丈夫指着牧场上的一头骡子问道：“你亲戚吧？”“没错，” 她回答道，“婆家的亲戚。”
Won't be in at all
One morning a colleague said，“I need to leave early tomorrow.” That afternoon he followed up with，“Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow，but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early，then I won't be in at all.”
干脆不来了
一天上午，一个同事说：“明天我要早一点走。”当天下午他又补充说：“看来我明天要晚一点来。但是，如果我要来得晚，又得早走的话，那我明天干脆不来了。”
It's not that noticeable
There's a scar on my face from a car accident. A customer came into the gas station where I work，glanced at me and exclaimed，“My God，what happened to you？” I told him and hoped that would be the end of it. But he kept pressing me for more information. Finally，he made his purchase and，just before walking away，said，“Hey，don't worry about it. It's not that noticeable.”
那伤疤不是很明显
我脸上有一道车祸留下的伤疤。一位顾客走进我工作的加油站，看了我一眼就大呼小叫起来：“我的天哪，你出什么事啦？”我告诉了他，希望就此打住。但是他继续追问更多的问题。最后，他买完东西要离开的时候说：“嘿，别太在意。那伤疤不是很明显。”
Can pilots fly？
The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain for its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this，they would often approach him about it，“Is it true？You，a boat captain，can't swim？” “No，I can't！” he replied. “Can pilots fly？”
飞行员会飞吗？
五大湖实验室雇用一位有执照的船长驾驶研究用的船。大家都知道这个船长不会游泳。当新来的人知道这事以后，他们常常会去问他：
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