休闲娱乐必读:动物也疯狂——英文笑话集(txt+pdf+epub+mobi电子书下载)

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休闲娱乐必读:动物也疯狂——英文笑话集

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版权信息COPYRIGHT INFORMATION书名:休闲娱乐必读:动物也疯狂——英文笑话集作者:高雅哲排版:燕子出版时间:2017-07-24本书由北京明天远航文化传播有限公司授权北京当当科文电子商务有限公司制作与发行。— · 版权所有 侵权必究 · —上篇 动物也疯狂1 So Fast

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.

“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ”

太快了

一个蜗牛过马路,被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉,有人问它事故是怎样发生的。“我真的记不起来了,”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧,一切发生得都太快了。”2 The Clever Dog

A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper.

The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

聪明的狗

一个小男孩在练习小提琴,他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声,家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。最后,小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了,说:“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗?”3 Three Dollars

A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later, he had still not returned with the paper.

“How much did you give him? ”asked the owner.

“Three dollars.”

“Well, that explains it. When you give him three dollars, he goes to a movie.”

三元

一位养狗人声称,要是给他的爱犬一些钱,它便会到卖报亭买份报纸来。他的朋友坚持要来个演示,并给了狗一些钱。狗一溜小跑着去了。但一个小时过去了,仍不见它带报纸回来。“你给了它多少钱?”狗的主人问。“三元。”“这就是了。你给它三元钱时,它就会去看电影。”4 The Parrot

A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

“We have three.”says the clerk,“This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200. The orange one over there costs $300, but doesn’t talk at all.”

“Three thousand!”exclaims the man,“How come so much?”

“Well, ”the clerk goes on,“we don’t know what he does, but the other two call him‘boss’. ”

鹦鹉

一个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。“我们有三只。”店员说,“这只蓝色的会说四种语言,价值100美元;这只红色的懂六种语言,价值200美元;那只橙色的价值300美元,但什么话也不说。”“300元!”那人大声叫道,“怎么这么贵?”“噢,”店员接着说道,“我们也不知道为什么,但另两只鹦鹉都叫它‘老板’。”5 Three Mice

Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged,“When I see a mousetrap, I set it off, and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese. ”

The second mouse bragged,“Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength. ”

The third mouse said,“Can’t stay long. I’ve got a date with a cat. ”

三只老鼠

三只老鼠走进了一家酒店。第一只老鼠吹嘘说:“我看到捕老鼠器时,就把它弄开。当铁栅栏落下时,我就用牙咬住它,上下推举20次,以此来激发我的食欲,然后带着奶酪溜之大吉。”

第二只老鼠夸口说:“我看见鼠药时,就把它嚼成碎末,然后加进我的咖啡,以此来增加我的力量。”

第三只老鼠说:“我不能久留。我和一只猫还有个约会呢。”6 A Drunken Cab

A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.“Wow, ”she thought,“this crab is really special. I can’t let him get away.”So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened?”she asked,“You used to walk straight before we married.”

“Oh, honey, ”he replied,“I can’t drink that much every day.”

喝醉的螃蟹

一只公螃蟹向一只母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到,这只公螃蟹走路直着走,而不是横着爬。“哇!”她心想,“这只螃蟹可真特别。我绝不能错过他。”于是他们立马结婚了。

第二天,母螃蟹发现她的新婚老公竟然横着爬,与其他螃蟹没有什么两样,她很是沮丧。“怎么回事?”她问道,“我们结婚前你是直着走路的。”“哦,亲爱的,”公螃蟹回答道,“我总不能每天都喝高吧。”7 Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically beacomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

狗的财产规则

1. 如果我喜欢它,它就是我的。

2. 如果它在我嘴里,它就是我的。

3. 如果我把它从你那儿拿过来了,它就是我的。

4. 如果一刻钟以前我拥有了它,它就是我的。

5. 如果我正在嚼什么东西,所有的碎渣都是我的。

6. 如果它就是我的,那么无论怎样,它永远不可能是你的。

7. 如果它看起来是我的,它就是我的。

8. 如果我先看到它,它就是我的。

9. 如果你在玩什么东西而你把它放下了,那么它就自动归为我的。

10. 如果它坏了,它就是你的了。8 What Did the Chicken Do

Sam’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it.“Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”advised the vet.

The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Sam did as the vet said.Then, feeling guilty, Ted opened the freezer.

Shivering, the parrot came out saying,“I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using. ”Sam was astounded at the sudden change.Then the parrot said,“by the way, what did the chicken do?”

那只鸡犯了什么错

山姆的鹦鹉总是说脏话,所以他就问兽医怎么才能制止。兽医建议道:“每次它一说脏话,你就把它放在冰箱里关它十五秒钟。”

等到鹦鹉又说脏话时,山姆就照兽医的话做了。过了一会儿,山姆觉得这样不太好,就又打开了冰箱。

鹦鹉冻得瑟瑟发抖,出来后说道:“我对我说脏话的行为道歉。”对于如此突如其来的转变,山姆很惊讶。鹦鹉接着问道:“另外,能问一下那只鸡犯了什么错吗?”9 Get the Umbrella

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one,“Go home and get the umbrella.”

The little turtle replied,“I will if you don’t drink my coffee.”

“We won’t, ”the other two promised.

Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle,“Well, I guess he isn’t coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee.”

Just then a voice called from outside the door,“If you do, I won’t go.”

小乌龟取伞

三只乌龟打算去喝咖啡。它们刚爬进咖啡店,天就开始下起雨来。于是最大的那个乌龟对最小的乌龟说:“回家去拿把伞来。”

小乌龟回答道:“如果你们不喝我的咖啡,我就去。”“我们不会的。”那两个乌龟承诺道。

两年后,大乌龟对中等个头的乌龟说:“好吧,我猜它不会回来了,我们还是把它的咖啡喝掉吧。”

就在这时,一个声音从门外传来:“你们要是喝我的咖啡,我就不去啦。”10 Bat‐infestation Problems

Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat‐infestation problems.

“I got so mad,”said one,“I took a shotgun and fired at them.It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.”

“I tried trapping them alive. ”said the second,“Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church.”

“I haven’t had any more problems.”said the third.

“What did you do?”asked the other, amazed.

“I simply baptized and confirmed them, ”he replied,“I haven’t seen them since.”

蝙蝠困扰问题

有一天,三个牧师去喝咖啡,发现他们的教堂都有受蝙蝠困扰的问题。“我快要发疯了,”其中一名牧师说,“我带了一支猎枪,向它们射击。枪在天花板上打了好几个窟窿,但蝙蝠毫毛未损。”“我曾试着活捉它们,”第二个牧师说,“然后我驱车走了五十英里才把它们放开,但它们又追着我回到了教堂。”“我什么问题也没有了。”第三个牧师说。“你是怎样做的呢?”第二个牧师惊喜地问道。“我只是给它们洗礼了一下,让它们坚定了信念。”他回答说,“从那以后,我再也没见过它们。”

11 Elephant VS Ants Soccer Game

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants, when the ants gained possession.

The ants’star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants’goal when the elephants’left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game.“What the hell do you think you’re doing?Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied,“Well, I didn’t mean to kill him—I was just trying to trip him up.”

大象对蚂蚁的足球赛

在一个周日下午的丛林里,大象觉得无聊,于是提出跟蚂蚁比赛踢足球。

比赛顺利进行,大象队赢球,此时,蚂蚁队控球。

蚂蚁队的球星正在运球,准备将球踢进大象队的球门,大象队的左后卫迈着笨重的步伐向蚂蚁跑来,只见大象一脚踩在小蚂蚁上,一下就把他给踩死了。

裁判终止了比赛。“你在做什么?你认为杀死对手符合比赛精神吗?”

大象回答:“嗯,我不是要杀死他,我只是想把他绊倒。”12 Ambitious Dog Mother

A guy walks into bar a small dog.The bartender said,“Get out of here with that dog!”

“But this isn’t just a dog—this dog can play the piano!”The bartender replies, “Well, if it can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house!”So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about?”

The guy replies,“Oh, that was its mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”

望子成龙的狗妈妈

一个人带着一只小狗进了酒吧。酒吧招待说:“狗不能进来,你们快出去!”

这个人说:“这只狗可不是一般的狗啊,它会弹钢琴。”

招待回答说:“好吧,它要真能弹钢琴,你们就可以留下,酒水还可以免费。”于是这个人就把小狗放到了钢琴凳上,狗就开始演奏了。它弹了拉格泰姆和莫扎特等人的曲子,酒吧招待和顾客们都很喜欢。

这时,突然跑进来一直大狗,咬住小狗的脖子,把它拖了出去。酒吧招待问那个人:“这是怎么回事啊?”

那人回答说:“哦,那是它妈妈,她想让儿子成为一名医生而不是钢琴家。”13 I Am Called the Blister

In the animal court, lion judge is examining three ducks.

The lion asked the first one,“What name are you called?”“Flower.”

The lion asked,“Why are you taken here?”“I hit the blister to have a fun while swimming. ”

The lion judge thought that there was nothing wrong with that behavior, so he asked the first duck to leave.

The lion asked the second,“What name are you called?”“I am called mao.”

The lion asked,“Why are you taken here?”“I hit the blister to have a fun while swimming. ”

The lion also asked it to leave.

The lion asked the third black and blue duck,“What name are you called?”

The duck said,“I am called the blister. ”

我叫水泡

在动物法院里,狮子法官正在审三只鸭子。

狮子问第一只:“你叫什么名字啊?”“花。”

狮子问:“你为什么被带到这里来啊?”“我在游泳时打水泡玩。”

狮子法官认为这并没有什么错,就让它走了。

狮子又问第二只:“你叫什么名字啊?”“毛。”

狮子问:“你为什么被带到这里来啊?”“我在游泳时打水泡玩。”

狮子也让它走了。

狮子又问第三只鼻青脸肿的鸭子:“你叫什么名字啊?”

鸭子说:“我叫水泡。”14 The Story of the Bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says,“Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood. ”

“We’re new here. ”says the second one,“It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us. ”

The first bat replies,“Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.”He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly,“Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks,“See that black building over there? ”

“Yes. ”the other bat answers.

“Well, ”says the first bat,“I didn’t. ”

蝙蝠的故事

两只吸血蝙蝠在午夜醒来,非常想喝血。一个说:“我们飞到洞外找点儿血来喝吧。”“我们对这儿还不熟,”另一个说,“现在外面很黑,我们不知道去哪儿找。等别的蝙蝠陪我们去比较好。”

第一只蝙蝠回答道:“谁需要他们?我一定能在某个地方找到血。”他飞出洞外。

当他回来的时候,全身是血。

第二只蝙蝠激动地说:“你在哪儿找到的血?”

第一只蝙蝠带着他的伙伴来到洞口,指着黑夜问:“看见那边那座黑色的建筑了吗?”“看到了。”另一只蝙蝠回答。“嗯,”第一只说,“我没看到。”15 A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her,“Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning, she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

势均力敌

有一天,一位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠,所以她冲出屋子,搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿,她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她:“放点奶酪在里面,很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”

这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里,但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再跑一趟商店,因为已经很晚了。于是,她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。

令人称奇的是,这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上,这位女士下楼到厨房时,发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!

16 A Duck in a Convenience Store

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk,“Do you have any grapes?”The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks,“Do you have any grapes?”

The clerk again says no and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks,“Do you have any grapes?”The clerk screams at the duck,“You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!! ”

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked,“Do you have any nails?”The clerk replied,“No. ”

And the duck said,“Good! Got any grapes?”

便利店里的鸭子

鸭子走进一家便利店并问店员:“你们有葡萄吗?”店员说没有, 于是鸭子离开了。

第二天,这只鸭子又来了,问:“你们有葡萄吗?”店员再次说没有,于是这只鸭子走了。

第三天,鸭子再一次走进这家店,问:“你们有葡萄吗?”店员对鸭子尖叫道:“你前两天已经来过这里问我们有没有葡萄,我每次都告诉你说我们没有葡萄!我发誓如果你再来这儿问有没有葡萄,我一定把你的脚钉在地板上!!”

鸭子离开了,可是第二天他又来了。这次他问:“你们有钉子吗?”店员回答:“没有。”

于是鸭子说:“好!有葡萄吗?”17 You Know That

There was a pet store and the owner had a parrot. In walked a couple and the parrot said to the man,“Hey you!”The man said,“WHAT!?”The parrot said,“Your wife is fat and ugly.”The man got totally upset and huffed and went to the pet storeowner and said,“Your bird just insulted my wife.It said she was fat and ugly.”

The owner stormed over, grabbed the bird, took him in the“black room”, shook him a bit, pulled out a few feathers, got in his face and said,“Don’t you ever, ever say anything to embarrass any of my customers again. You got that!!!”.

With that warning he took the bird and put him back on his perch. The old bird shook out his feathers and relaxed on his perch.A couple of weeks passed and in walked this guy and his wife again.The parrot said, “Hey you!”The guy said, “WHAT!?”The parrot answered,“You know that.”

你知道我要说什么

宠物店老板有一只鹦鹉。这一天,店里来了一对夫妇。鹦鹉对丈夫说:“嗨,老兄。”丈夫问:“什么?”鹦鹉说:“你老婆又肥又丑。”丈夫非常生气,怒气冲冲地找到宠物店老板:“你的鹦鹉刚才侮辱我妻子,它说我妻子又肥又丑。”

老板气呼呼地跑过去,一把抓起鹦鹉,将它带到“小黑屋”,使劲地摇晃它,还拔掉了鹦鹉身上的几根毛,恶狠狠地对它说:“不许你再对我的顾客说侮辱性的话。听明白了!”

警告过鹦鹉后,宠物店老板将鹦鹉放回到栖息木上,那只老鹦鹉抖抖身上的羽毛,趴下休息了。几周后,那对夫妇又来到宠物店里,鹦鹉对丈夫说:“嗨,老兄。”男的问:“什么?”鹦鹉回答道:“你知道我想说什么。”18 Cat and Mouse

A mouse used to live in a winer, and he would climb up on the rim of a vat and run around and around the edge. One day he finally slipped and fell into the vat full of wine. He couldn’t get on again, so he swam around in the wine and shouted,“Help! Help!”

A cat heard the mouse’s cries for help, climbed up onto the rim and sat looking down at him. The mouse cried,“Please, Mr. Cat, help me! I’m drowning!”

The cat said,“Well, if I save you, what do I get?”

The mouse said,“Anything! Help me!”

The cat said,“Well, if I save you, can I eat you?”

The mouse said,“Yes! Yes! Anything you want!”So the cat reached down with his paw and hooked the mouse back up to safety.The mouse immediately shook himself dry and then darted back into his hole.

The cat said, “Mr. Mouse, you’re not keeping your word! You said I could eat you!”

The mouse said,“Well, Mr. Cat, what do you expect? I was drunk at the time!”

猫和老鼠

一只老鼠曾经住在酿酒厂,他能沿着桶的边缘爬上酿酒的大桶,然后在边缘上跑来跑去。有一天他的脚滑了一下,掉进了盛满酒的大桶里。他爬不出来,只能在酒里游来游去,大喊:“救命,救命!”

一只猫听见了老鼠救命的呼喊声,爬上了边缘,坐下来看着它。老鼠哭喊着恳求到:“拜托您了,猫先生,救救我,我要淹死了!”

猫说:“如果我救了你,我能得到什么呢?”

老鼠说:“什么都行,救救我!”

猫说:“那么,如果我救了你,我能吃掉你吗?”

老鼠说:“可以!可以!你想做什么都行!”猫就把爪子伸了进去,让老鼠重新回到了安全地带。老鼠立马晃了晃身子把自己甩干,然后飞奔回了自己的洞。

猫说:“老鼠先生,你没有遵守诺言!你说我可以吃掉你的!”

老鼠说:“是这样的,猫先生,你怎么能对那个抱有期待呢?我当时喝醉了啊!”19 Who Is It

A lady was expecting the plumber, and he was supposed to come at ten o’clock.

Ten o’clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock, no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some shopping. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door, and the lady’s parrot said,“Who is it?”He replied,“It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said,“Who is it?”and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”He said,“It’s the plumber!”

He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.He knocked again, and again the parrot said,“Who is it?”He said, “IT’S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!”

Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said,“Who is it?”

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