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版权信息COPYRIGHT INFORMATION书名：休闲娱乐必读：动物也疯狂——英文笑话集作者：高雅哲排版：燕子出版时间：2017-07-24本书由北京明天远航文化传播有限公司授权北京当当科文电子商务有限公司制作与发行。— · 版权所有 侵权必究 · —上篇 动物也疯狂1 So Fast
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ”
一个蜗牛过马路，被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉，有人问它事故是怎样发生的。“我真的记不起来了，”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧，一切发生得都太快了。”2 The Clever Dog
A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper.
The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know？”
一个小男孩在练习小提琴，他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声，家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。最后，小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了，说：“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗？”3 Three Dollars
A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later, he had still not returned with the paper.
“How much did you give him？ ”asked the owner.
“Well, that explains it. When you give him three dollars, he goes to a movie.”
一位养狗人声称，要是给他的爱犬一些钱，它便会到卖报亭买份报纸来。他的朋友坚持要来个演示，并给了狗一些钱。狗一溜小跑着去了。但一个小时过去了，仍不见它带报纸回来。“你给了它多少钱？”狗的主人问。“三元。”“这就是了。你给它三元钱时，它就会去看电影。”4 The Parrot
A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
“We have three.”says the clerk,“This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200. The orange one over there costs $300, but doesn’t talk at all.”
“Three thousand!”exclaims the man,“How come so much？”
“Well, ”the clerk goes on,“we don’t know what he does, but the other two call him‘boss’. ”
一个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。“我们有三只。”店员说，“这只蓝色的会说四种语言，价值100美元；这只红色的懂六种语言，价值200美元；那只橙色的价值300美元，但什么话也不说。”“300元！”那人大声叫道，“怎么这么贵？”“噢，”店员接着说道，“我们也不知道为什么，但另两只鹦鹉都叫它‘老板’。”5 Three Mice
Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged,“When I see a mousetrap, I set it off, and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese. ”
The second mouse bragged,“Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength. ”
The third mouse said,“Can’t stay long. I’ve got a date with a cat. ”
第三只老鼠说：“我不能久留。我和一只猫还有个约会呢。”6 A Drunken Cab
A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.“Wow, ”she thought,“this crab is really special. I can’t let him get away.”So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened？”she asked,“You used to walk straight before we married.”
“Oh, honey, ”he replied,“I can’t drink that much every day.”
第二天，母螃蟹发现她的新婚老公竟然横着爬，与其他螃蟹没有什么两样，她很是沮丧。“怎么回事？”她问道，“我们结婚前你是直着走路的。”“哦，亲爱的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我总不能每天都喝高吧。”7 Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically beacomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
10. 如果它坏了，它就是你的了。8 What Did the Chicken Do
Sam’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it.“Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Sam did as the vet said.Then, feeling guilty, Ted opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying,“I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using. ”Sam was astounded at the sudden change.Then the parrot said,“by the way, what did the chicken do？”
鹦鹉冻得瑟瑟发抖，出来后说道：“我对我说脏话的行为道歉。”对于如此突如其来的转变，山姆很惊讶。鹦鹉接着问道：“另外，能问一下那只鸡犯了什么错吗？”9 Get the Umbrella
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one,“Go home and get the umbrella.”
The little turtle replied,“I will if you don’t drink my coffee.”
“We won’t, ”the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle,“Well, I guess he isn’t coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee.”
Just then a voice called from outside the door,“If you do, I won’t go.”
就在这时，一个声音从门外传来：“你们要是喝我的咖啡，我就不去啦。”10 Bat‐infestation Problems
Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat‐infestation problems.
“I got so mad,”said one,“I took a shotgun and fired at them.It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.”
“I tried trapping them alive. ”said the second,“Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church.”
“I haven’t had any more problems.”said the third.
“What did you do？”asked the other, amazed.
“I simply baptized and confirmed them, ”he replied,“I haven’t seen them since.”
11 Elephant VS Ants Soccer Game
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants, when the ants gained possession.
The ants’star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants’goal when the elephants’left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game.“What the hell do you think you’re doing？Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player？”
The elephant replied,“Well, I didn’t mean to kill him—I was just trying to trip him up.”
大象回答：“嗯，我不是要杀死他，我只是想把他绊倒。”12 Ambitious Dog Mother
A guy walks into bar a small dog.The bartender said,“Get out of here with that dog!”
“But this isn’t just a dog—this dog can play the piano!”The bartender replies, “Well, if it can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house!”So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about？”
The guy replies,“Oh, that was its mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”
那人回答说：“哦，那是它妈妈，她想让儿子成为一名医生而不是钢琴家。”13 I Am Called the Blister
In the animal court, lion judge is examining three ducks.
The lion asked the first one,“What name are you called？”“Flower.”
The lion asked,“Why are you taken here？”“I hit the blister to have a fun while swimming. ”
The lion judge thought that there was nothing wrong with that behavior, so he asked the first duck to leave.
The lion asked the second,“What name are you called？”“I am called mao.”
The lion asked,“Why are you taken here？”“I hit the blister to have a fun while swimming. ”
The lion also asked it to leave.
The lion asked the third black and blue duck,“What name are you called？”
The duck said,“I am called the blister. ”
鸭子说：“我叫水泡。”14 The Story of the Bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says,“Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood. ”
“We’re new here. ”says the second one,“It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us. ”
The first bat replies,“Who needs them？ I can find some blood somewhere.”He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly,“Where did you get the blood？”
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks,“See that black building over there？ ”
“Yes. ”the other bat answers.
“Well, ”says the first bat,“I didn’t. ”
第一只蝙蝠带着他的伙伴来到洞口，指着黑夜问：“看见那边那座黑色的建筑了吗？”“看到了。”另一只蝙蝠回答。“嗯，”第一只说，“我没看到。”15 A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her,“Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning, she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
16 A Duck in a Convenience Store
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk,“Do you have any grapes？”The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks,“Do you have any grapes？”
The clerk again says no and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks,“Do you have any grapes？”The clerk screams at the duck,“You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!! ”
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked,“Do you have any nails？”The clerk replied,“No. ”
And the duck said,“Good! Got any grapes？”
于是鸭子说：“好！有葡萄吗？”17 You Know That
There was a pet store and the owner had a parrot. In walked a couple and the parrot said to the man,“Hey you!”The man said,“WHAT!？”The parrot said,“Your wife is fat and ugly.”The man got totally upset and huffed and went to the pet storeowner and said,“Your bird just insulted my wife.It said she was fat and ugly.”
The owner stormed over, grabbed the bird, took him in the“black room”, shook him a bit, pulled out a few feathers, got in his face and said,“Don’t you ever, ever say anything to embarrass any of my customers again. You got that!!!”.
With that warning he took the bird and put him back on his perch. The old bird shook out his feathers and relaxed on his perch.A couple of weeks passed and in walked this guy and his wife again.The parrot said, “Hey you!”The guy said, “WHAT!？”The parrot answered,“You know that.”
警告过鹦鹉后，宠物店老板将鹦鹉放回到栖息木上，那只老鹦鹉抖抖身上的羽毛，趴下休息了。几周后，那对夫妇又来到宠物店里，鹦鹉对丈夫说：“嗨，老兄。”男的问：“什么？”鹦鹉回答道：“你知道我想说什么。”18 Cat and Mouse
A mouse used to live in a winer, and he would climb up on the rim of a vat and run around and around the edge. One day he finally slipped and fell into the vat full of wine. He couldn’t get on again, so he swam around in the wine and shouted,“Help! Help!”
A cat heard the mouse’s cries for help, climbed up onto the rim and sat looking down at him. The mouse cried,“Please, Mr. Cat, help me! I’m drowning!”
The cat said,“Well, if I save you, what do I get？”
The mouse said,“Anything! Help me!”
The cat said,“Well, if I save you, can I eat you？”
The mouse said,“Yes! Yes! Anything you want!”So the cat reached down with his paw and hooked the mouse back up to safety.The mouse immediately shook himself dry and then darted back into his hole.
The cat said, “Mr. Mouse, you’re not keeping your word! You said I could eat you!”
The mouse said,“Well, Mr. Cat, what do you expect？ I was drunk at the time!”
老鼠说：“是这样的，猫先生，你怎么能对那个抱有期待呢？我当时喝醉了啊！”19 Who Is It
A lady was expecting the plumber, and he was supposed to come at ten o’clock.
Ten o’clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock, no plumber.
She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some shopping. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door, and the lady’s parrot said,“Who is it？”He replied,“It’s the plumber.”
He thought it was the lady who’d said,“Who is it？”and waited for her to come and let him in.
When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it？”He said,“It’s the plumber!”
He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.He knocked again, and again the parrot said,“Who is it？”He said, “IT’S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!”
Again he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot said,“Who is it？”