休闲娱乐必读：思维短路——英文笑话集(txt+pdf+epub+mobi电子书下载)

作者：高雅哲

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休闲娱乐必读：思维短路——英文笑话集试读：

First Drunkard: Say, know what time it is？

Second Drunkard: Yeah.

First Drunkard: Thanks.时间

第一个醉鬼：喂，知道几点了吗？

第二个醉鬼：知道。

第一个醉鬼：谢谢。2 Bigamy

“She’s married to a real‐estate agent and a good, honest fellow, too.”

“My gracious! Bigamy？”重婚“她嫁给了一个房地产商，嫁给了一个诚实的好人。”“天哪！是重婚？”3 Looking All Over for It

“Look here, waiter, I just found a collar‐button in my soup.”

“Oh, thank you, sir. I have been looking all over for it.”正在到处找它“服务员，我刚在汤里发现一枚领扣。”“噢，谢谢你，先生，我正在到处找它呢。”4 Thanks to the Bookbinder

A London reviewer discussed a long and rambling philo‐sophic treatise,“All the connection in this book is owing to the bookbinder.”多亏装订工人

一位伦敦评论家谈论一篇冗长松散的哲学论文时说：“多亏了装订工人, 这本书的内容才联成了一体。”5 Let Them Go

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are real tough guys here. Do you think you can handle it？”

“No problem.”the applicant replied,“If they don’t behave, I will let them go.”让他们滚

一个人申请当监狱看守。监狱长说：“这可都是些不好对付的家伙，你觉得你能处理好吗？”“没问题，”申请者回答说，“如果他们不规矩，我就让他们滚出去。”6 How Do They Get Along？

“That’s marvelous, having a lion and a monkey in the same cage. ”said the visitor to a small zoo,“How do they get along？”

“Okay, usually.”answered the zookeeper,“Occasionally they have a disagreement, and we have to get a new monkey. ”

它们怎么相处的？“让猴子和狮子呆在同一只笼子里真是奇迹，”游客对一家小动物园说。“它们是怎么相处的呢？”“一般没事，”动物园看守回答说。“偶尔它们会有不同意见，这样我们就得再换一只猴子。”7 Shirt

I asked a colleague of mine how he liked the shirt his daughter had given him as a gift.“The color and the design are nice. ”he said,“But the sleeves are two inches too long.”

I suggested that perhaps it was made for a much taller man.“I don’t think so. ”he said,“If I stand on my toes. It still fits the same.”衬衣

我问同事是否喜欢他女儿送的衬衣。“颜色和款式都不错，”他说，“就是袖子长了二英寸。”

我说或许它是为个头更高的人做的。“我想不是。”他说，“我踮起脚尖，它还是一样长。”8 Accident

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting over an hour, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,“What happened？”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine. ”said the attendant,“It took us almost an hour to find another pilot. ”事故

飞机正沿着跑道前进，突然停下来，回到了大门口。等了一小时后，飞机总算起飞了。

一名忧心忡忡的乘客问空中小姐发生了什么事。“飞行员受到引擎中的噪音的影响，”空中小姐回答说。“我们花了将近一小时时间才找到另一名飞行员。”9 The Conductor

The exceedingly stout lady indignantly tackled a bus inspector at a busy stopping‐place.

“I want to report the conductor of that bus that’s just gone, ”she shrilled,“He’s been rude!”

“How？”asked the bored official.

“Why, ”went on the lady,“he was telling people the bus full, and when I got off he said, ‘Room for three inside. ’”售票员

在一个熙熙攘攘的车站，一个特别肥胖的女人正怒气冲冲地跟公共汽车检查员进行交涉。“我要向你报告刚刚开走的那辆公共汽车上的售票员，”她尖声说道。“他太无礼了！”“怎么回事？”检查员不耐烦地说。“哎，”那个女人接着说道，“他对人们说车上已经满员。但我一下车，他就说：‘里面还有三个人的座位。’”10 You Have to Bring It Back

When my husband and I decided to rent a car and drive to visit his parents’family, we discovered that many rental agreements came with restrictions.

After several calls, I asked a sweet young agent if her company had any restrictions on taking its rental cars long distance.

After a pause, she replied,“Well, you have to bring it back.”你得把它开回来

我和丈夫决定租一辆汽车，开车去看望他父母亲一家。我们发现租车协议里总是有许多限制条款。

打了好几个电话后，我问一位声音甜美的年轻代理人，她的公司对长途租车有什么限制。

停顿了一会儿，她回答说：“呃……你必须得把车开回来。”11 Dog Food

My aunt was always reluctant to wait in line, and she more loathed the people who try to squeeze in front.

One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she reached the check‐out counter.“Mind if I go ahead？”he asked,“I just have this one can of dog food.”

“Goodness, no.”she roared,“If you’re that hungry, go right ahead!”狗粮

姨妈不喜欢排队等候，对那些一心想插队的人更是痛恨。

有一天，姨妈在超市买东西，她刚排到收银台前面，一个年轻人走上前来问道：“您介意我先结账吗？我只买了这一罐狗粮。”“哎呀，不介意。”她大声嚷道，“你要是那么饿的话，就先结吧！”12 Where Are You Now？

A man was strolling along the sidewalk when he caught sight of his friend on a bus. They hadn’t seen each other for years, and waved excitedly.

The pedestrian called out,“Where are you now？”He meant to ask his friend’s address.

By this time the bus was some distance away. The man on the bus stretched his head out of the window, cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled,“I’m on the bus!”

你现在在哪里？

一位男士正在街上散步，突然看到一辆公共汽车上坐着他的老朋友。由于两人好久没见面，因此都激动地挥手致意。

走着路的那位大声问道：“你眼下在哪里？”他是想问朋友的住址。

此时，汽车已经驶过一段距离。车上的朋友将头伸出窗外，两手在嘴边掬成杯状大声喊道：“我在公共汽车上！”13 A So‐called Pigeon Expert

A so-called pigeon expert claims he’s able to tell the male pigeons from the female pigeons. When questioned by his friends, “How？”The pseudo expert explains:“You see, it’s like this.The male pigeons always eat female worms and the female pigeons always eat male worms.”

Unconvinced, his friends question him further.“Now, how can you tell male worms from female worms？”Unemotionally our expert replies.

“Oh, I know nothing about worms, I’m only an expert on pigeons.”养鸽专家

一位所谓的养鸽专家声称自己能够分辨出雄鸽和雌鸽。朋友们问他怎么分辨，这位冒牌专家解释道：“你们看，就是这样分辨的：雄鸽总是吃母虫，而雌鸽总是吃公虫。”

朋友们很不服气，继续追问道：“那么你又怎么辨认出是公虫还是母虫呢？”这位专家面不改色地回答道：“哦，关于虫子我可是一窍不通，我只是个养鸽专家。”14 Can You Tell Me Where We Are

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.“Excuse me. ”I said,“Can you tell me where we are？ ”In a thick English accent, the woman replied,“Earth. ”您可以告诉我这是什么地方吗

英国的夜晚漆黑一片，这让跳伞既困难又危险。于是我们就在跳伞服上装了些小化学灯，好让队员互相看得见。

一天深夜，我们在一场跳伞演习后迷了路，就去一家农舍敲门。一个妇人来应门，看见我们五个点缀着闪光化学灯的人。我说：“打扰了，您可以告诉我这是什么地方吗？”那个妇人用浓重的英国口音回答道：“地球。”15 Jump Twice

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that an old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge.

The brunette turns around and says to the blonde，“I bet you＄50 that he will jump.”

The blonde says，“You’re on.”

Sure enough, the old man jumps and falls to his death. The brunette snickers to herself and says,“I must admit I did watch the news at 5.”

The blonde says,“So did I, but I didn’t think he would jump twice!”跳两次

一名金发女人和一名黑发女人正在看六点钟的新闻，是现场直播。报道上说一名无家可归的老人站在一座大桥的顶部发誓着说他要从桥上跳下去。

黑发女人转头对金发女人说：“我和你赌50块他会跳下去。”

金发女人说：“好，就这么定了。”

果不其然那名老人跳下去死掉了。黑发女人暗自窃笑，说：“我得承认我在五点时看过这条新闻。”

金发女人说：“我也看了，但我不相信他会跳两次！”16 Corruption Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn’t it true, ”he bellowed,“that you accepted two thousand dollars to compromise this case？”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

The prosecutor again blared,“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case？”

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said,“Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh.”the startled witness said,“I thought he was talking to you.”受贿案件

在一场政治行贿案件审理进行到白热化阶段的时候，检控律师正在诘问一名证人。“这是真的吗？”他严厉地问，“你接受了两千美元来和解这件案子？”

证人盯着窗外，仿佛没有听到问题一般。

检控律师再次大声问道：“你收了五千美元来和解这件案子，这是真的吗？”

证人还是没有做出任何回答。

最后，法官倾身向前说：“先生，请回答问题。”“噢，”大吃一惊的证人说，“我以为他在和你说话呢。”17 The Cat’s Doubt

On a pleasure ship, a magician gave a performance every evening.Every time he did that, a talking cat in the audience yelled,“It’s a trick. That’s not a magic. He is a phony.”

One evening, the ship struck a coral reef and sank while the magician was performed. It so happened the magician and the cat ended up in the same life boat. For the first three days, they just glared each other and neither one of them said a word. On the fourth day, the cat finally said,“All right, smart aleck, you and your crazy tricks. What did you do with the ship？”猫的疑惑

一艘游艇上，一个魔术师每天晚上都会表演魔术。每次他表演时，观众席中一只会说话的猫都会叫道：“那是鬼把戏，不是魔术，他是个骗子。”

一天晚上，魔术师正在表演时，船触礁沉没了。巧的是，魔术师和那只猫竟然坐在了同一条救生船上。前三天，他们只是注视着对方，谁都没有说话。到了第四天，猫终于先开了口：“好吧，你这个自作聪明的家伙，还有你那些疯狂的把戏。你到底把船弄到哪儿去了？”18 In Your Left Arm

“Mr. Jason, you are going to have some injection, and then you’ll feel much better. A nurse will come and give you the first one this evening. ”said the doctor.

In the evening a young nurse came to Mr. Jason’s bed and said to him,“I’m going to give you your first injection now, Mr. Jason. Where do you want it？”

The old man was surprised. He looked at the nurse for several seconds, and then said,“Nobody’s ever let me choose that before.Are you really going to let me choose now？”

“Yes, Mr. Jason. ”the nurse answered.

“Well, then, ”the old man answered with a smile,“I want it in your left arm.”打在你左臂上“詹森先生，你得打几针，然后就会感觉好多了。今晚护士会过来给你打第一针。”医生说。

晚上，一个年轻护士来到琼斯先生的床前说：“詹森先生，我现在要给你打第一针。你想要打在什么地方？”

这位老人非常惊讶，他看了护士好几秒钟，然后说：“以前从来没人让我选择。你现在真的想让我作选择吗？”“是的，詹森先生。”护士回答说。“那好，”老人微笑着答道，“我想打在你的左臂上。”19 Imperturbably

Late one night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he was asked.

The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water.

Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.

After a half‐hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.

“Nothing.”the Englishman answered imperturbably,“It’s simply that my room is on fire. ”面不改色

一天深夜，一个英国人从旅馆房间出来，走进走廊，让服务员给他送一杯水。服务员按照那人的吩咐送来了一杯水。

之后，英国人又走进了自己的房间，但过了几分钟，他又走进了走廊，再次让服务员给他送一杯水。服务员为他端来了第二杯水。

英国人每隔几分钟就要从房间里走出来向服务员要水。

半小时后，服务员感到非常惊讶，决定去问一下英国人到底要水干什么。“不干什么，”英国人面不改色地说，“只不过是我的房间着火了。”20 All Day

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced,“Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced,“One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced,“One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another two hours. But dont’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked,“If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”一整天

从堪萨斯州到多伦多的航班起飞十五分钟时，机长对大家说：“女士们，先生们，我们的一个引擎出了故障，但没什么可担心的。我们的航班会比预定时间晚一个小时到达，但我们还有三个引擎。”

三十分钟后，机长宣布：“又有一个引擎出了故障，飞机会再延迟两个小时。但不要担心，有两个引擎在，我们还可以安全飞行。”

一小时后，机长宣布：“又有一个引擎坏了，我们可能要推迟两个小时才能到达。但不用但心，我们还有一个引擎。”

一个年轻的金发女乘客转头对坐在旁边的男人说：“如果我们再失去一个引擎，那我们岂不是得在这上面待一整天！”21 Then Where Is My Cat？

Justin liked fish very much, and when he had enough money, he bought some for his dinner when he went to the market, and took it home. But when his wife saw the fish, she always said to herself,“Good! Now I will invite my friends to lunch and we will eat this fish.They like fish very much.”

So when Justin came home in the evening after his work, the fish was never there, and his wife always said,“Oh, your cat ate it! She is a very bad animal!”And she gave Justin soup and rice for his dinner.

But one evening when this happened, Justin became very angry.He took the cat and his wife to the shop near his house and weighed the cat carefully. Then he turned to his wife and said,“My fish weighed three pounds. This cat weighs three pounds too. My fish is here, you say. Then where is my cat？”

那我的猫去哪里了？

贾斯汀很喜欢吃鱼，只要手头宽裕，去市场时他就会买些鱼带回家做晚饭。但是他的妻子每次看到鱼都会暗想道：“太好了！我现在就邀请朋友们来吃午餐，把这鱼吃了。她们可喜欢吃鱼了。”

所以，当贾斯汀晚上下班回家时，就老是看不到鱼，而他的妻子总是说：“呀，你的猫把鱼吃掉了。它可真是个坏东西！”然后她就给贾斯汀端来汤和米饭当晚餐。

但是，一天晚上又发生这事时，贾斯汀变得非常生气。他带着猫，领着妻子去了一个离家很近的商店，仔仔细细地称了称那只猫。接着，他转过身对妻子说：“我的鱼重三磅，这只猫也重三磅。你说我的鱼在猫肚子里，那我的猫去哪儿了？”22 Don’t Forget to look to the Right

Mr. Keith was very fond of climbing mountains, so one year he went to China for holidays. After he had climbed some easy mountains, he decided one day to climb a more difficult one; but he did not want to go up it alone, so he found a good Chinese guide, who had often climbed that mountain.

At first it was not a difficult climb, but then they came to a place which was not so easy. The guide stopped, turned round and warned Mr. Keith.“Be careful here,”he said,“This is a dangerous place. You can easily fall, and if you do, you will fall straight down a very long way. But,”he continued calmly,“if you do fall here, don’t forget to look to the right while you are going down. There is a quite extraordinarily beautiful view there—much more beautiful than the one you can see from here.”别忘了向右看

凯斯先生十分喜爱登山，于是，有一年他去了中国度假。在爬了几座没有什么挑战的山之后，有一天，他决定要爬一座更有难度的。但他不想一个人爬上去，所以就找了一个不错的中国导游，这个导游常爬这座山。

起初并不难爬，但后来他们来到了一个不那么容易爬的地方。导游停下来，转过身去提醒凯斯先生。“这里要小心，”他说，“这个地方危险。你很容易就会掉下去，而且会笔直地掉下去很长一段距离。”他继续平静地说，“如果你真的从这里掉下去了，掉下去的时候可别忘了向右看。那边的景色真是美得惊人——比你从这里看到的要美得多。”23 Small Frying‐pan

One morning a man was crossing a narrow bridge when he saw a fisherman on the shady bank of the deep, smooth river under him, so he stopped to watch him quietly.

After a few minutes, the fisherman pulled his line in. There was a big, fat fish at the end of it.

The fisherman took it off the hook and threw it back into the water. Then he put his hook and line in again. After a few more minutes he caught another big fish. Again he threw it back into the river. Then, the third time, he caught a small fish. He put it into his basket and started to get ready to go. The man on the bridge was very surprised, so he spoke to the fisherman. He said,“Why did you throw those beautiful, big fish back into the water, and keep only that small one？”

The fisheman looked up and answered,“Small frying‐pan.”煎锅太小

一天早晨，一个人走过一座小桥的时候看到桥下有个钓鱼人坐在河的背阴岸，河水又深又平静。于是他就停下来一声不吭地看他钓鱼。

钓鱼人把鱼从钩上拿下来，扔回水中。然后，他又把钩子和鱼线放进河里。过了几分钟，他又钓上来一条大鱼。可他又把鱼扔回河中。后来，第三次收线的时候，他钓到一条小鱼。他把鱼放进篮子里，要准备离开。桥上的那个人感到十分惊讶，于是就对钓鱼人说：“你为什么要把那几条肥美的大鱼放回水中，就只留下那条小鱼呢？”

钓鱼人抬起头回答：“因为我的煎锅太小。”24 The World Is Going to End

One day, the boys of Marcus’s village said to him,“You have a nice fat sheep. Will you invite us to a party to eat it with you ？” Marcus didn’t want the boys to eat his sheep, so he said,“It is not fat enough yet.”

“But have you not heard the world is gong to end tomorrow？ So the sheep will never get fat!”Marcus was getting tired of this, so he said,“All right, boys, we will have a picnic tomorrow and eat the sheep.”

So the next morning they all went to the river, the boys took off their clothes and jumped into the river, and Marcus killed the sheep.

When the boys went out, their clothes were not there.“Marcus, where are our clothes？”they asked.

“Oh,”he answered,“I made the fire to cook the sheep with your clothes. You won’t need them again. The world is going to end today, don’t you remember？”

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