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Mr. Punch at the Seaside试读：
MR. PUNCH AT THE SEASIDE
AS PICTURED BY CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, GORDON BROWNE, E. T. REED, AND OTHERS ... WITH 200 ILLUSTRATIONS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDRENEDITOR'S NOTE
One of the leading characteristics of the nineteenth century was the tremendous change effected in the social life of Great Britain by the development of cheap railway travel. The annual holiday at the seaside speedily became as inevitable a part of the year's progress as the milkman's morning call is of the day's routine. What at first had been a rare and memorable event in a life-time developed into a habit, to which, with our British love for conventions, all of us conform.
Whether or not our French critics are justified in saying that we Britishers take our pleasures sadly, these pages from the seaside chronicles of Mr. Punch will bear witness, and while at times they may seem to support the case of our critics, at others the evidence is eloquent against them. This at least is certain, that whatever the temperament of the British as displayed during the holiday season at our popular resorts, the point of view of our national jester, Mr. Punch, is unfailingly humorous, and such sadness as some of our countrymen may bring to their pleasures is but food for the mirth of merry Mr. Punch, who, we are persuaded, stands for the sum total of John Bull's good humour in his outlook on the life of his countrymen.
As the real abstract and brief chronicler of our time, Mr. Punch has mirrored in little the social history of the last sixty-five years, and apart from the genuine entertainment which this book presents, it is scarcely less instructive as a pictorial history of British manners during this period. One may here follow in the vivid sketches of the master-draughtsmen of the age the ceaseless and bewildering changes of fashion—the passing of the crinoline, the coming and going of the bustle, the chignon, and similar vanities, and the evolution of the present-day styles of dress both of men and women.
It is also curious to notice how little seaside customs, amusements, troubles and delights, have varied in the last half-century. Landladies are at the end what they were at the beginning; the same old type of bathing-machine is still in use; our forefathers and their womenfolk in the days when Mr. Punch was young behaved themselves by "the silver sea" just as their children's children do to-day. Nothing has changed, except that the most select of seaside places is no longer so select as it was in the pre-railway days, and that the wealthier classes, preferring the attractions of Continental resorts, are less in evidence at our own watering-places.
The motto of this little work, as of all those in the series to which it belongs, is "Our true intent is all for your delight", but if the book carry with it some measure of instruction, we trust that may not be the less to its credit.A FASHIONABLE WATERING PLACE
Mrs. Dorset (of "Dorset's Sugar and Butter Stores", Mile End Road). "Why on earth can't we go to a more dressy place than this, 'Enery? I'm sick of this dreary 'ole, year after year. It's nothing but sand and water, sand and water!"
Mr. Dorset. "If it wasn't for sand and water, you wouldn't get no 'olerday."
Seaside Mem.—The Society recently started to abolish Tied-houses will not include Bathing Machines within the scope of its operations.BIDDY-FORD
"WHERE'S RAMSGATE?"
[Mr. Justice Hawkins. Where is Ramsgate? Mr. Dickens. It is in Thanet, your lordship. Report of Twyman v. Bligh.]
"Where's Ramsgate?" Justice Hawkins cried.
"Where on our earthly planet?"
The learned Dickens straight replied,
"'Tis in the Isle of Thanet.
"Ramsgate is where the purest air
Will make your head or leg well,
Will jaded appetite repair,
With the shrimp cure of Pegwell.
"Where's Ramsgate? It is near the place
Where Julius Cæsar waded,
And nearer still to where his Grace
Augustine come one day did.
"All barristers should Ramsgate know:
I speak of it with pleasure",
Quoth Dickens. "There I often go
When wanting a refresher.
"Where's Ramsgate? Where I've often seen.
Both S-mb-rne and Du M-r-er,
When I have gone by 3.15
Granville Express, Victorier.
"With Thanet Harriers, when you are
Well mounted on a pony,
You'll say, for health who'd go so far
As Cannes, Nice, or Mentone?
"With Poland, of the Treasury,
Recorder eke of Dover,
I oft go down for pleasurey.
Alack! 'tis too soon over!
"O'er Thanet's Isle where'er you trudge,
My Lud, you'll find no land which——"
"Dickens take Ramsgate!" quote the Judge.
"Luncheon! I'm off to Sandwich!"A JUDGE BY APPEARANCE
Bathing Guide. "Bless 'is 'art! I know'd he'd take to it kindly—by the werry looks on 'im!"
THE WONDERS OF THE SEA-SHORE
Contributed by "Glaucus", who is staying at a quietwatering-place, five miles from anywhere, and three miles
from a Railway Station.
Monday(?) after breakfast, lying on the beach.
Wonder if it is Monday, or Tuesday?
Wonder what time it is?
Wonder if it will be a fine day?
Wonder what I shall do if it is? On second thoughts, wonder what I shall do if it isn't?
Wonder if there are any letters?
Wonder who that is in a white petticoat with her hair down?
Wonder if she came yesterday or the day before?
Wonder if she's pretty?
Wonder what I've been thinking about the last ten minutes?
Wonder how the boatmen here make a livelihood by lying all day at full length on the beach?
Wonder why every one who sits on the shore throws pebbles into the sea?
Wonder what there is for dinner?
Wonder what I shall do all the afternoon?
Same day, after lunch, lying on the beach.
Wonder who in the house beside myself is partial to my dry sherry?
Wonder what there is for dinner?
Wonder what's in the paper to-day?
Wonder if it's hot in London? Should say it was.
Wonder how I ever could live in London?
Wonder if there's any news from America?
Wonder what tooral looral means in a chorus?
Children playing near me, pretty, very?
Wonder if that little boy intended to hit me on the nose with a stone?
Wonder if he's going to do it again? Hope not.
Wonder if I should like to be a shrimp?
Same day, after an early dinner, lying on the beach.
Wonder why I can never get any fish?
Wonder why my landlady introduces cinders into the gravy?EXMOUTH
Wonder more than ever who there is at my lodgings so partial to my dry sherry?
Wonder if that's the coast of France in the distance?
Feel inclined for a quiet conversation with my fellow-man.
A boatman approaches. I wonder (to the boatman) if it will be a fine day tomorrow? He wonders too? We both wonder together?
Wonder (again to the boatman) if the rail will make much difference to the place? He shakes his head and says "Ah! he wonders!" and leaves me.
Wonder what age I was last birthday?
Wonder if police inspectors are as a rule fond of bathing?
Wonder what gave me that idea?
Wonder what I shall do all this evening?
Same day, after supper, Moonlight, lying on the beach.A HIGH SEA OVER THE BAR
Wonder if there ever was such a creature as a mermaid?
Wonder several times more than ever who it is that's so fond of my dry sherry?
Wonder if the Pope can swim?
Wonder what made me think of that?
Wonder if I should like to go up in a balloon?
Wonder what Speke and Grant had for dinner to-day?
Wonder if the Zoological Gardens are open at sunrise?
Wonder what I shall do tomorrow?
Fruit to be Avoided by Bathers.—Currants.DEA EX MACHINÂ!
(A Reminiscence)SHOPPING
Lady (at Seaside "Emporium"). "How much are those—ah—improvers?"
Shopman. "Improv—hem!—They're not, ma'am"—(confused)—"not—not the article you require, ma'am. They're fencing-masks, ma'am!"
[Tableau!A LARGE BUMP OF CAUTION
Flora. "Oh, let us sit here, aunt, the breeze is so delightful."
Aunt. "Yes—it's very nice, I dare say; but I won't come any nearer to the cliff, for I am always afraid of slipping through those railings!"A BOAT FOR AN HOUR
Stout Gentleman. "What! is that the only boat you have in?"
A SEASIDE REVERIE
I think, as I sit at my ease on the shingle,
And list to the musical voice of the Sea,
How gaily my Landlady always will mingle
From my little caddy her matutine tea.
And vainly the bitter remembrance I banish
Of mutton just eaten, my heart is full sore,
To think after one cut it's certain to vanish,
And never be seen on my board any more.
Some small store of spirit to moisten my throttle I keep, and indulge in it once in a way;
But, bless you, it seems to fly out of the bottle And swiftly decrease, though untouched all the day.
My sugar and sardines, my bread and my butter,
Are eaten, and vainly I fret and I frown;
My Landlady, just like an Æsthete's too utter
A fraud, and I vow that I'll go back to Town.THE MORNING PAPERS
Sketch from our window, 10 a.m., at Sludgeborough Ness.
THE NURSEMAID'S FRIEND
Science has given us the baby-jumper, by which we are enabled to carry out the common exclamation of "Hang those noisy children" without an act of infanticide, by suspending our youngsters in the air; and perhaps allowing them to have their full swing, without getting into mischief; but the apparatus for the nursery will not be complete until we have something in the shape of coops for our pretty little chickens, when they are "out with nurse", and she happens to have something better—or worse—to do than to look after them.YARMOUTH
How often, in a most interesting part of a novel, or in the midst of a love passage of real life, in which the nurse is herself the heroine, how often, alas! is she not liable to be disturbed by the howl of a brat, with a cow's horn in his eye, a dog's teeth in his heels, or in some other awkward dilemma, which could not have arisen had the domestic Child-coop been an article of common use in the Metropolitan parks, or on the sands at the seaside?
There is something very beautiful in the comparison of helpless infancy to a brood of young chickens, with its attendant imagery of "mother's wing", and all that sort of thing, but the allegory would be rendered much more complete by the application of the hencoop to domestic purposes. We intend buying one for our own stud of piccoli—which means little pickles—and we hope to see all heads of families taking it into their heads to follow our example.
Midsummer Madness.—Going to the seaside in search of quiet.
LOCAL INTELLIGENCE
"D'year as 'ow old Bob Osborne 'ave give up shrimpin' an took ter winklin'?"
"Well, I'm blest!"
THE INGRATITUDE OF SOME SERVANTS
You give them a change by taking them to the seaside—all they have to do is to look after the children—and yet they don't seem to appreciate it.
ON THE SPOT
Shall we like Pierpoint, to which favourite and healthy seaside resort we finally resolved to come, after a period of much indecision and uncertainty, and where we arrived, in heavy rain, in two cabs, with thirteen packages, on Saturday?A NATIVE HOISTER
Shall we be comfortable at 62, Convolution Street, dining-room floor, two guineas and a half a week, and all and perhaps rather more than the usual extras?
Shall we like Mrs. Kittlespark?
Shall we find Kate all that a Kate ought to be?GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE
Shall we lock everything up, or repose a noble confidence in Mrs. Kittlespark and Kate?
Shall we get to know the people in the drawing-room?
Shall we subscribe to the Pier, or pay each time we go on it?
Shall we subscribe to that most accommodating Circulating Library, Pigram's, where we can exchange our books at pleasure, but not oftener than once a day?
Shall we relax our minds with the newest novels, or give our intellects a bracing course of the best standard works?
Shall we dine late or early?
Shall we call on the Denbigh Flints, who, according to the Pierpoint Pioneer, are staying at 10, Ocean Crescent?GOING TO BRIGHTON
Shall we carefully avoid the Wilkiesons, whom the same unerring guide reports at 33, Blue Lion Street?
Shall we be satisfied with our first weekly bill?
Shall we find in it any unexpected and novel extras, such as knife-cleaning, proportion of the water-rate, loan of latch-key, &c.?
Shall we get our meat at Round's, who displays the Prince of Wales's Feathers over his shop door, and plumes himself on being "purveyor" to His Royal Highness; or at Cleaver's, who boasts of the patronage of the Hereditary Grand Duke of Seltersland?A VIEW OF COWES
Shall we find everything dearer here than it is at home?
Shall we be happy in our laundress?
Shall we be photographed?
Shall we, as Mrs. Kittlespark has a spare bed-room, invite our Cousin Amelia Staythorp, from whom we have expectations, and who is Constance Edith Amelia's Godmother, to come down and stay a week with us?
Shall we be praiseworthily economical, and determine not to spend a single unnecessary sixpence; or shall we, as we have come to Pierpoint, enjoy ourselves to the utmost, go in for all the amusements of the place—pier, public gardens, theatre, concerts, Oceanarium, bathing, boating, fishing, driving, riding, and rinking—make excursions, be ostentatiously liberal to the Town Band, and buy everything that is offered to us on the Beach?
A month hence, shall we be glad or sorry to leave Pierpoint, and go back to Paddington?
Postscript To a Seaside Letter.—"The sea is as smooth, and clear, as a looking-glass. The oysters might see to shave in it."WHAT WE COULD BEAR A GOOD DEAL OFSCENE AT SANDBATH
The Female Blondin Outdone! Grand Morning Performance on the Narrow Plank by the Darling ----A LITTLE FAMILY BREEZE
Mrs. T. "What a wretch you must be, T.; why don't you take me off? Don't you see I'm overtook with the tide, and I shall be drownded!"
T. "Well, then—will you promise not to kick up such a row when I stop out late of a Saturday?"ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK
"And look here! I want you to take my friend here and myself just far enough to be up to our chins, you know, and no further!"
WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYING
BANGORThat the lodging-house keepers are on the look out for the weary Londoners and their boxes.
That the sea breezes will attract all the world from the Metropolis to the coast.
That Britons should prefer Ramsgate, Eastbourne, Scarborough, and the like, to Dieppe, Dinard, and Boulogne.
That paterfamilias should remember, when paying the bill, that a two months' letting barely compensates for an empty house during the remainder of the year.
That the shore is a place of recreation for all but the bathing-machine horse.
That the circulating libraries are stocked with superfluous copies of unknown novels waiting to be read.
That, finally, during the excursion season, 'Arry will have to be tolerated, if not exactly loved.The "Lancet" advocates taking holidays in Midwinter instead of Midsummer.
View of the sands of Anywhere-on-Sea if the suggestion is adopted. Time—December or January.
Mrs. Fydgetts (screaming). "My child! My child!"
Mr. Fydgetts. "What's the use of making that noise? Can't you be quiet?"
Mrs. F. "You're a brute, sir."
Mr. F. "I wish I were; for then I should be able to swim."
Mrs. F. "Mr. Fydgetts! Ain't you a-coming to help me?"
Mr. F. "No! It serves you right for bringing me down to this stupid place."
Mrs. F. "I, indeed. Why, I wanted to go to Brighton and you would come to Margate—you said it was cheaper".
Mr. F. "It's false; I said no such thing".
Mrs. F. "You did, you did!"
Mr. F. "O, woman! woman! Where do you expect to go to?"
Mrs. F. "To the bottom; unless you come and help me!"
Mr. F. "Help yourself. I'm s-i-n-k-i-n-g"—
Mrs. F. "My child! My child!"
Mr. F. (rising from the water). "Be quiet, can't you! Woo-o-m—" (the rest is inaudible, but the watery pair are saved just in time, and renew their dispute in the boat as soon as they are rescued from their perilous position).
Mabel (soliloquising). "Dear me, this relaxing climate makes even one's parasol seem too heavy to hold!"
HOLIDAY HAUNTS
By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt I.—GREAT YARMOUTHPUFFINS
Why Great?—where's Little Yarmouth?—or Mid-Sized Yarmouth?—give it up—don't know—hate people who ask conundrums—feel well cured directly you get here—good trademark for dried-fish sellers, "The Perfect Cure"—if you stay a fortnight, get quite kipperish—stay a month, talk kipperish! Principal attractions—Bloaters and Rows—first eat—second see—song, "Speak gently of the Herring"—"long shore" ones splendid—kippers delicious—song, "What's a' the steer, Kipper?"—song, "Nobody's rows like our Rows"—more they are—varied—picturesque—tumbledown—paradise for painters—very narrow—capital support for native Bloater going home after dinner—odd names—Ramp, Kitty Witches—Gallon Can, Conge! Fancy oneself quite the honest toiler of the sea—ought to go about in dried haddock suit—feel inclined to emulate Mr. Peggotty—run into quiet taverns—thump tables violently—say "gormed!" Whole neighbourhood recalls Ham and Little Em'ly—David, Steerforth, Mrs. Gummidge—recall ham myself—if well broiled—lunch—pleasant promenades on piers—plenty of amusement in watching the bloateric commerce—fresh water fishing in adjacent Broads, if you like—if not, let it alone—broad as it's long! The Denes—not sardines—nor rural deans—good places for exercise—plenty of antiquities—old customs—quaint traditions! Picturesque ancient taverns—capital modern hotels—stopping in one of the latter—polite waiter just appeared—dinner served—soup'll get cold—mustn't wait—never insult good cook by being unpunctual—rather let Editor go short than hurt cook's feelings[1]—so no more at present—from Yours Truly.
II.—LITTLEHAMPTON.
Emphatically the Sea on the strict Q T—no bustle at railway-station—train glides in noiselessly—passengers ooze away—porters good-tempered and easy-going—like suffragan Bishops in corduroys—bless boxes—read pastorals on portmanteaux—no one in a hurry—locomotive coos softly in an undertone—fly-drivers suggest possibility of your requiring their services in a whisper! Place full—no lodgings to be had—visitors manage to efface themselves—no one about—all having early dinners—or gone to bed—or pretending to be somewhere else—a one-sided game of hide and seek—everybody hiding, nobody seeking! Seems always afternoon—dreamy gleamy sunshine—a dense quietude that you might cut in slices—no braying brass-bands—no raucous niggers—no seaside harpies—Honfleur packet only excitement—no one goes to see it start—visitors don't like to be excited! Chief amusements, Common, Sands, and Pony-chaises—first, good to roll on—second, good to stroll on—first two, gratuitous and breezy—third, inexpensive and easy—might be driven out of your mind for three-and-six—notwithstanding this, everybody presumably sane. Capital place for children—cricket for boys—shrimping for girls—bare legs—picturesque dress—not much caught—salt water good for ankles—excellent bathing—rows of bathing-tents—admirable notion! Interesting excursions—Arundel Castle—Bramber—Bognor—Chichester—Petworth House! Good things to eat—Arundel mullet—Amberley trout—Tarring figs! Delightful air—omnipotent ozone—uninterrupted quiet—just the place to recover your balance, either mental or monetary—I wish to recover both—that's the reason I'm here—send cheque at once to complete cure.[2]
Don't like this sentiment. Is J. J. a Cook's Tourist?—Ed.
We have sent him the price of a third-class fare to town, with orders to return instantly: possibly this is hardly the sort of check that our friend "J. J." expected.—Ed.
III.—SCARBOROUGH.RAMSGATEA CUTTER MAKING FOR THE PEER HEAD
Long way from London—no matter—fast train—soon here—once here don't wish to leave—palatial hotels—every luxury—good tables d'hôte—pleasant balls—lively society! Exhilarating air—good as champagne without "morning after"—up early—go to bed late—authorities provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, and a rickety bathing-machine—authorities disburse large sums for benefit of visitors—visitors spend lots of money in town—mutual satisfaction—place crowded—capital bands—excellent theatricals—varied entertainments—right way to do it! The Spa—first discovered 1620—people been discovering it ever since—some drink it—more walk on it—lounge on it—smoke on it—flirt on it—wonderful costumes in the morning—more wonderful in the afternoon—most wonderful in the evening! North Sands—South Sands—fine old Castle well placed—picturesque old town—well-built modern terraces, squares and streets—pony-chaises—riding-horses—Lift for lazy ones! Capital excursions—Oliver's Mount—Carnelian Bay—Scalby Mill—Hackness—Wykeham—Filey! Delightful gardens—secluded seats —hidden nooks—shady bowers—well-screened corners—Northern Belles—bright eyes—soft nothings—eloquent sighs—squozen hands—before you know where you are—ask papa—all up—dangerous very! Overcome by feelings—can't write any more—friend asks me to drink waters—query North Chalybeate or South Salt Well—wonder which—if in doubt try soda qualified with brandy—good people scarce—better run no risk!
Costume in Keeping.—"Of all sweet things", said Bertha, "for the seaside, give me a serge." The Ancient Mariner shook his head. He didn't see the joke.
Board and Lodging!—Landlady. "Yes, sir, the board were certingly to be a guinea a week, but I didn't know as you was a-going to bathe in the sea before breakfast and take bottles of tonic during the day!"
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