休闲娱乐必读：种瓜得豆——英文笑话集(txt+pdf+epub+mobi电子书下载)

作者：高雅哲

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休闲娱乐必读：种瓜得豆——英文笑话集试读：

Mr. Jack: Are you using you mower this afternoon？

Mr. Smith: Yes.

Mr. Jack: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket since you won’t be needing it？杰克先生想借什么

杰克先生：“今天下午你准备用割草机吗？”

史密斯先生：“是的。”

杰克先生：“太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？”2 I Could Do It Slower

Patient: What do you charge for pulling a tooth？

Dentist: Thirty dollars.

Patient: Thirty dollars for a couple of minutes’work？

Dentist: Well, I could do it slower, if you like.我可以干得慢一些

病人：“拔一颗牙多少钱？”

牙医：“30美元。”

病人：“只几分钟的活儿就要30美元？”

牙医：“如果你喜欢的话，我可以干得慢一些。”3 What Room I’m in

The tourist returned to her hotel after sightseeing.“My memory’s awful. ”she said to the girl at the front,“Could you tell me what room I’m in？”

“Certainly, ”was the reply.“You’re in the lobby. ”我在哪个房间

一位旅客观光后回到旅馆。她对前台小姐说：“我的记性很差，你能告诉我我在哪个房间吗？”“当然可以。”对方答道，“你在大厅里。”4 A Big Surprise

Visitor: Is this a healthy place to live in？

Local yokel: Yes, sir. When I arrived here, I couldn’t walk or eat solid food.

Visitor: What was the matter with you？

Local yokel: Nothing—I was born here.大吃一惊

游客：“住在这样一个地方是不是有益于健康？”

乡下佬：“是的，先生。我刚到这儿时，我既不会走路也不能吃硬的东西。”

游客：“你怎么了？”

乡下佬：“没什么——我就出生在这个地方。”5 Pictures for Children

A young artist went to ask a publisher why he had rejected his paintings, he got this reply,“Because we discern a lack of maturity in your paintings. ”

“Then, they can be pictures for children.”the young man suggested.儿童画

一位年轻画家去问一个出版商他的画为什么被退了回来，得到了这样的答复：“因为我们发现你的作品还不够成熟。”“既然不够成熟，可以出版给儿童看嘛。”这位年轻的画家建议。6 Two Drunks

Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking.

One of them said,“Light travels from the sun to the earth at

186 000 miles per second. That’s really fast.”

The second responded.“I’m not surprised, It’s downhill all the way. ”两个酒鬼

一日，两个坐在酒吧里的酒鬼聊起天来。

其中一位说：“光自太阳以每秒186 000英里的速度传送至地球耶！速度真惊人！”

第二位酒鬼答道：“没啥好惊讶的，一路都是下坡嘛。”7 The Strongest Man

A guy rushes into a bar and shouts,“Who’s the strongest in here？”

The strongest guy looks at him and says,“I am the strongest around here! What’s wrong with you？”

The other guy politely asks,“Can you help me push my car to the gas station？”最强壮的人

一个男人闯进酒吧，高声叫道：“谁是这儿最强壮的人？”

最强壮的人盯着他说：“我就是！你有什么事儿？”

那个人客气地说：“请帮我把车推到加油站。”8 Take Me to London

The pilot felt a gun sticking in his back, and a voice hissed in his ear,“Take me to London. ”

“But we are going to London. ”said the pilot.

“I know. But I’ve been hijacked to Cuba twice before, so this time I’m taking no chances. ”带我去伦敦

飞行员感觉到有一只手枪正顶着他的后背，耳边传来一阵嘶嘶地说话声，“把我带到伦敦去！”“可是我们正是去伦敦呀。”飞行员说。“我知道，我以前曾经两次被劫持到古巴，这回我可不再冒险了。”9 Running Out of Time

When I discovered my aged aunt climbed over the garden fence to visit her neighbor, I asked her why she didn’t take the less dangerous route down the driveway and up the street.

“Look, ”came her sharp reply,“I’ll be ninety‐six at the end of this year and I’m running out of time. ”时间不多了

我发现老态龙钟的婶婶爬过花园栅栏去拜访邻居时，就问她为什么不选择不太危险的路径，先下车道再上街道。“听着，”她敏捷地答道，“我年底就九十六岁了，时间不多喽。”10 The Mean Man’s Party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend to find his apartment, he said,“Come up to 6M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot. ”

“Why use my elbow and foot？”

“Well, gosh,”was the reply,“you’re not coming empty‐handed, are you？”吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到六楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你不会是要空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。11 Coup

Vacationing on the island of Oahu, we were waiting in our tour bus for some stragglers to show up. A man, obviously not with our group, approached the bus and was about to board. Straight‐faced, the driver leaned toward the door and asked,“Going to the nudist colony, sir？”

“Oh, no. ”replied the would‐be passenger and retreated quickly.

“Works every time.”the driver said with a wink.妙招

在瓦胡岛上度假时，我们坐在旅游车里等候掉队者。一个人明显不是我们一伙的，走近旅游车，准备上去。司机拉长了脸，向车门靠过去，问道：“先生，是去天体营吗？”“噢，不是。”想乘车的那个人答道，然后落荒而逃。“每次都管用。”司机眨了眨眼说。12 Pushed the Wrong Button

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. Just after a teenager girl had entered the bathroom, we hit a patch of very rough air. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face.“Are you all right？ ”I asked,“That turbulence was so bad.”“So that’s what it was, ”she said,“I thought I’d pushed the wrong button. ”按错了按钮

夏季在美国中西部飞行就意味着一件事情：气流。一个十几岁的女孩刚进入卫生间，我们就遇到了一阵强烈的气流。颠簸平息下来以后，女孩走出卫生间，一脸的恐惧。我问：“你还好吧？那股气流可够厉害的。”她说：“原来是气流，我还以为我按错什么按钮了呢。”13 Apple Tree

One summer, two men, who had come to the country on their holidays, were walking in an orchard. They saw that all the trees were bending under a heavy load of apples, except one tree on which there were no apples at all.

A small country boy was sitting nearby. They called to him.“Come here, boy. Here’s a three pence for you. Do you know why there are no apples on that tree？”

“Of course I do, sir. Because it is an oak tree.”answered the boy.苹果树

一年夏天，两个人到乡下度假。他们漫步走进一个果园，只见苹果的果实把那些树都压弯了腰，而有一棵树上却一只苹果也没有。

旁边地上坐着一个乡下小男孩。他们大声向他问道：“孩子过来，给你3便士。你知道为什么这棵树上没有苹果吗？”

那个男孩回答说：“当然知道，先生，因为这是一棵橡树。”14 Three Men in a Boat

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

“Oh, yes. ”he said,“They are my friends. ”

“In that case,”warned the officer,“you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir.”the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三人同舟

三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。

一位路过的警察驻足观察到这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。“喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。”“既然这样，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”“好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。15 Placing Stamps on a Letter

A lady employed a maid‐servant being very stupid. She asked her to send a letter, saying,“Go posting this letter, Kelly, on which the stamp was already placed, I’m afraid the letter will be overweight. If it is, place the other penny stamp on it.”

Ten minutes later, Kelly returned. The hostess asked her,“Did you post my lettey？”“Yes, I did. ”answered Kelly.“I hope you didn’t place another stamp on the letter that it would not cover up the address.”“Oh, no, Madam, I didn’t. I placed the second stamp just on the first stamp.”said Kelly.给信封贴邮票

一位女士雇了一名非常笨的女佣。她让她去寄一封信，说道：“去把这封信寄了，凯莉，邮票已经贴好了。我担心这信会超重，如果会，就在上面再贴一便士的邮票。”

十分钟后，凯莉回来了。主人问她：“我的信寄了没有？”“寄了。”凯莉回答道。“但愿你没有在信封上贴另一枚邮票，那样地址会被挡住。”“没有，夫人。我把第二枚邮票贴在第一个上面了。”凯莉说道。16 Self‐assertion

There were many people in the bus and no vacant seats. When a woman entered, an old man near the door attempted to rise, but she forced him back into his seat.“Thank you, ”she said,“but please don’t do that. I am perfectly able to stand. ”

“But, madam, let me...”began the man.

“I ask you to keep your seat.”interrupted the woman with the hands on his shoulders.

But the man tried to rise, saying,“Madam, will you kindly permit me to...”

“No, no！”said the woman and again forced him back.

At last the man managed to get up, saying,“Madam, you carried me three blocks beyond my house. I wanted to get off. ”自作多情

公共汽车上挤满了乘客，一个空位也没了。一位妇女上车后，坐在车门边的一位老人想起身，但她把老人推回到了座位上。“太感谢您了，”她说，“您不用给我让座了，我能站着。”“可是，太太，让我……”老人开口说道。“我叫您就坐在那里。”那女人两手按着老人的肩膀打断了老人的话。

但老人还是想站起来，说：“太太，请能允许我……”“不，不！”女人说完又把老人一下子推到了座位上。

最后，老人终于站了起来，说：“太太，你让我多坐了三个街区。我刚才是想下车的。”17 Wrong Place

I first met Glen when he came to work for me in one of our restaurants.

After a few weeks, he approached me and said,“Frank, you’re a man of the world, how do you attract the attention of a girl you like？”

I said,“Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a couple of nice sized potatoes, and stick’em in your underpants.”

A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the kitchen,“Hey Glen, how’s your love life going？”

He walked towards me sadly and said,“Well, to tell you the truth, things have gotten worse since I took your advice. ”

I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem.“Clen,”I said,“the potatoes are supposed to go in the front. ”放错地方了

我第一次和葛兰见面是在他在我们经营的一家餐厅工作时，几个星期之后，他走上前来说：“你是个经验老到的男人，你是怎么吸引一个你喜欢的女孩的注意力呢？”

我回答说：“听着，葛兰，到厨房去。找几个看起来还可以的马铃薯塞到你的内裤里。”

一个星期过后，我又遇见他。

我朝厨房里大叫问道：“嘿，葛兰，最近爱情生活还算顺利吧？”

他满面愁容地朝我走过来说：“老实说，自从用了你教我的那一招后，反而每况愈下。”

我好好地看了他一眼后，马上了解了他的问题。“葛兰，”我说，“马铃薯应该放在前头！”18 Three Months to Live

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only three months to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check‐up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his house in order, make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

“What will you do for the last three months in your life？”asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes, then replied,“I think I’ll go and live with my mother‐in‐law.”Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked,“Why in the world you want to live with your mother‐in‐law？”

“Because it’ll be the longest three months of my life!”最后三个月的时光

一位中年男子在体检中查出致命疾病，医生说他最多还能活三个月，他吓得浑身颤抖。医生要他回去收拾收拾，写好遗嘱，安排后事，计划好怎样才能在最后的时光里充分地享受生活。“这三个月你打算怎么过呢？”医生问。

病人想了很久，答道：“去和丈母娘住吧。”听到回答，医生感到很惊讶：“为什么想和丈母娘住在一起呢？”“因为这会是我有生以来最漫长的三个月！”19 Diet at Lunchtime

Miss Green was very fat. She weighed 120 pounds, and she was getting heavier every month, so she went to see her doctor. He said, “You need to diet, Miss Green, and I’ve got a good one here.” He gave her small book and said,“Read this carefully and eat the things on page 9 every day. Then come back and see me in two weeks time.”

Miss Green came again two weeks later, but she wasn’t thinner; she was fatter. The doctor was surprised and said,“ Are you eating the things on page 9 of the small book？”“Yes, doctor.”she answered.

The next day the doctor visited Miss Green during her dinner. She was very surprised to see him.“Miss Green, ”he said,“why are you eating potatoes and bread？ They aren’t in your diet.”“But, doctor, ”Miss Green swered,“I ate my diet at lunchtime. This is my dinner.”午餐节食

格林小姐非常胖。她体重为一百二十磅，而且每个月体重都在增加，所以就去了医院。医生说：“格林小姐，你需要节食，我这里有一个好食谱。”医生递给格林小姐一本书说：“认真读这本书并且每天按照第九页上的食谱饮食，然后你两星期后再来见我。”

格林小姐两星期后又来了，可她不仅没变瘦，反而更胖了。医生非常惊讶地问：“你是按照那本书第九页的食谱来饮食吗？”“是的，医生。”她回答。

第二天医生在格林小姐吃晚饭时去拜访她。她见到医生来访感到很奇怪。“格林小姐，”医生问，“你为什么吃土豆和面包？这不在你的食谱上。”“但是，医生，”格林小姐回答，“我在午餐时节食。这是我的晚餐。”20 Chair

One day Mr. Ruddick was walking in his local park. It was a hot day and he was a little tired. He was approaching his usual chair near the tree in the middle of the park when he noticed a man in front of him.

This man looked round and as soon as he saw Mr. Ruddick heading for the chair, he began to hurry to get there first. Mr. Ruddick was quite annoyed at this and decided to race the man in front. The man got faster; Mr. Ruddick got faster, too.

They were both running as fast as they could. Finally, Mr. Ruddick caught up with the man. He thought he would get to the chair first. The man wanted to stop Mr. Ruddick, but he couldn’t. With a big grin on his face, Mr. Ruddick threw himself down on the chair. His grin didn’t last very long though. The other man held a sign saying“Wet Paint.”Mr. Ruddick looked at the sign, then the chair, and felt very foolish.椅子

一天，鲁迪克先生正在当地一个公园里散步。天气很热，他也有点累了。在向公园中间他常坐的椅子走去时，他看到前面有一个人。

那人往四周看了看，他一看到鲁迪克先生正在往椅子走，就赶紧加快速度想先到达椅子。鲁迪克先生看见后很生气，他决定与前面那人比比。那人跑得更快了，鲁迪克先生也跑得更快了。

他们都跑得飞快。终于，鲁迪克先生赶上了那个人，他想自己肯定会先抢到椅子。那个人想阻止鲁迪克先生，可是没有来得及。鲁迪克先生咧着嘴一屁股就坐在了椅子上。不过他并没有乐太久。那个人举着个牌子，上面写着：“油漆未干！”鲁迪克先生看了看牌子，又看了看椅子，觉得自己真蠢。21 Bureaucrat

A bureaucrat was hiking when he came upon a shepherd tending a large flock. The bureaucrat took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd,“If I can guess how many there are, may I have one？”the shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number, so he agreed.

The bureaucrat guessed,“You have 287 sheep. ”The shepherd was astonished, for this was exactly right.

“Can I pick one out sheep now？”asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the bureaucrat slung it over his shoulders to carry home.

The shepherd got an idea.“If I guess your occupation, ”he said,“may I have my sheep back？”The bureaucrat was surprised, but figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along.“You’re a bureaucrat, ”announced the shepherd.

Amazed, the bureaucrat asked,“How did you know？”

The shepherd replied,“Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it. ”当官的

一个当官的在徒步旅行，这时他遇见一个牧羊人在放一大群羊。这个当官的特别喜欢羊，就问牧羊人：“如果我能猜出有多少只羊，我可以领走一只吗？”牧羊人想他不可能猜中准确的数目，就同意了。

当官的猜道：“你有287只羊。”牧羊人惊呆了，因为这的确是准确的数目。“我可以挑一只羊了吧？”当官的问。牧羊人勉强答应。当官的挑了一只羊，把它甩到肩上就要往家里扛。

牧羊人计上心来。“如果我猜中你的身份，”他说，“我可以收回我的羊吗？”当官的感到惊奇，但想着牧羊人猜中的可能性不大，就同意了。“你是个当官的。”牧羊人猜道。

当官的一惊，问道：“你是怎么猜到的？”

牧羊人回答说：“先把我的狗放下，我们再说话。”22 Compulsion

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

“I’m sorry, ”he said,“I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this. ”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst. ”the bartender said,“My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get. ”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back.“Did you do what I suggested？ ” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

“I certainly did, ”the man said,“I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week. ”He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.“The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good. ”He sputtered.

“On the contrary, ”the man claimed,“he’s done me world of good. ”

“But you threw the wine in my face again! ”The bartender exclaimed.

“Yes, ”the man replied,“but it doesn’t embarrass me anymore. ”强迫症

一个男人走进酒吧点了一杯白葡萄酒。他喝了一口，然后把剩余的全泼在了侍者的脸上。在侍者从震惊中回过神来之前，男人却哭了起来。“对不起，”他说，“我真的感到抱歉。我总是这样对待侍者，有这样一种强迫症不知道让我多尴尬。”

侍者没有生气，他很同情这个男人。过了不久，他建议这个男人去看下医生，分析一下他的情况。“我刚好认识一位心理分析医生，”侍者说，“我兄弟和妻子都经他治疗过，他们说他是他们见过的最棒的医生。”

男人记下医生的姓名，谢过侍者然后走了。侍者想到他为别人做了一件好事，不禁笑了。

六个月以后，男人回来了。“你按我说的做了吗？”侍者递给他一杯白葡萄酒，问道。“当然，”男人说，“我一周去医生那儿两次。”他喝了一口酒，然后把剩余的酒泼向侍者的脸。

侍者拿毛巾擦干脸。“看来医生一点儿也没帮到你。”他气急败坏地说。“恰恰相反，”男人说，“他对我大有帮助。”“但是你又把酒泼在了我脸上！”侍者大声说。“是的。”男人回答，“但它现在一点儿也不让我尴尬了。”

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