作者：高雅哲
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休闲娱乐必读：秀外晦中——英文笑话集试读：
上篇 秀外晦中
1 A Careless Barber
Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in？
Customer: No.
Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.
粗心的理发师
理发师：你进来时是不是系着红围巾？
顾客：没有呀。
理发师：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。
2 Qualification
“What makes you think you’re qualified to be a night watchman？”asked the personnel director.
“Well, for one thing, ”replied the job applicant,“I’m a real light sleeper.”
称职
一位人事经理问一位求职者：“你怎么就觉得你能胜任值夜班的工作呢？”
求职者说：“噢，有一点我敢肯定，我睡觉很轻。”
3 Helping to Clean the Dishes
Just after the maid had been fired, she took ten bucks from her purse and threw it to Bingo, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered,“I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time! ”
帮助洗碗
女佣被解雇后，她从钱包里拿出十美元，扔给宾果——这家的狗。
当她的前雇主问她为什么这样做的时候，她回答：“我不会忘记朋友的，这是给它的报酬，谢谢它一直以来帮我洗碗！”
4 Not Fair
A: Mr. Tom died yesterday. Are you going to attend his funeral？
B: No, of course not!
A: Why not？ I thought you were friends.
B: It wouldn’t be fair if I did.
A: Not fair？ What do you mean？
B: If I attend his funeral, would he be able to attend mine？
不公平
甲：“汤姆先生昨天去世了。你去参加他的葬礼吗？”
乙：“不去，当然不去！”
甲：“为什么不去？我还以为你们是好朋友呢。”
乙：“我要是去，那会不公平。”
甲：“不公平？你这话什么意思？”
乙：“我要是参加了他的葬礼，他能参加我的葬礼吗？”
5 One Egg Less
Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign,“Fresh Eggs for Sale.”at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system.“Why can’t everyone be this trusting？”They said at they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.
少了一个
我的邻居刚从城里搬来我们这个小镇，一切有关农村习俗的事情都让他们感到很高兴。后来有一天，他们发现路边小摊的一块牌子上写着“出售新鲜鸡蛋”，是用那种传统的售货方式，旁边并没人收钱。“为什么不是每个人都这样信任别人呢？”说着，就把钱放进一个盒子里，拿走了一打鸡蛋。他们回到家打开盒子，却只看见十一个鸡蛋。
6 The Dog Doesn’t Bite
One early morning, an old lady was strolling through the park when she saw James with a dog.
“Does your dog bite？”she asked.
“No.”said James.
When the old lady tried to pet the dog, it almost bit her fingers off.
“You said your dog doesn’t bite!”screamed the old lady with blood dripping from her hand.
“That’s all right. ”answered James,“My dog doesn’t bite, but that’s not my dog. ”
不咬人的狗
一天清晨，一位老太太正在公园里溜达，突然瞧见詹姆斯和一条狗在一起。
老太太问：“你的狗咬人吗？”
詹姆斯说：“不咬人。”
当老太太伸出手去摸那条狗时，它却差点儿咬掉她的手指。“你刚才不是说你的狗不咬人吗？”老太太尖声叫道，血从她的手指上滴了下来。
詹姆斯回答说：“我说得没错啊，我的狗真不咬人，可这条狗不是我的。”
7 Nine Bouquets of Flowers
A couple of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance.“What’s the matter with our leading lady？”one actress asked,“She seems really mad about something.”
“Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights.”the other woman then answered.
“Nine!”exclaimed the first actress, “That’s pretty good, isn’t it？”
“Yes, ”her friend replied,“but she paid for ten. ”
九束鲜花
两个临时演员演出结束后在后台聊天。“我们的女主角怎么了？”一个女演员问，“她看起来像是为什么事发疯似的。”“噢，她之所以心烦意乱，是因为她谢幕时只收到九束鲜花。”另一个女人答道。“九束！”第一个女演员惊叫道，“那相当不错了，不是吗？”“是的，”她的朋友回答说，“但她付的是十束鲜花的钱。”
8 Out of Luck
The man in the jail asked a newcomer why he was imprisoned there.
The newcomer replied,“I think I was out of luck. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of rope. I thought no one wanted it, so I picked it up and took it home. ”
“But it was not against the law! ”
“I told you I was out of luck, didn’t I？ ”the man sighed,“The trouble was that I didn’t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope. ”
运气不好
牢房里，一个人问新来的犯人为什么被关在那里。
新来的犯人回答说：“我想我是运气不好。几天前，我正在街上走时，看到一截绳子，以为没有人要，就拾起来，带回了家。”“可这不违法啊！”“我告诉过你我运气不好，对吗？”那个人叹道，“问题是我没有注意到绳子那头还有一头牛。”
9 Old Age Eyesight
The old man Sam was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam,“Did you see my client commit this burglary？ ”
“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him plainly take the goods. ”
The lawyer asks Sam again,“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime？ ”
“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him do it. ”
Then the lawyer asks Sam,“Sam listen, you are 70 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night？ ”
Sam says,“I can see the moon, how far is that？ ”
老年人的视力
老人萨姆是一起入室抢劫案件的目击证人。辩护律师问萨姆：“你看到我的当事人犯案了吗？”“是的，”萨姆说，“我清楚地看见他拿走了那些东西。”
律师再问萨姆：“萨姆，案件发生在晚上，你确定你看到我的当事人犯案了吗？”“是的，”萨姆说，“我看见他作案了。”
然后律师问萨姆：“萨姆，你听好，你已经七十岁了，你的视力很可能不好。在晚上你能看到多远啊？”
萨姆说：“我可以看见月亮，那有多远？”
10 Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments,“You look terrible. What’s the problem？ ”
“My mother died in June, ”he said,“and left me ＄10, 000. ”
“Gee, that’s tough. ”he replied.
“Then in July, ”the friend continued,“my father died, leaving me ＄50, 000. ”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed. ”
“And last month, my aunt died, and left me ＄15, 000. ”
“Three close family members lost in three months？ How sad. ”
“Then this month, ”continued the friend,“nothing! ”
家庭中的死亡
在酒吧，一个男人看见他的朋友坐在桌边独自喝酒。
他走到朋友身边说：“你看起来很糟糕。出了什么事？”“我母亲在六月去世了，”他说，“留给我一万美元。”“呃，这可真糟糕。”他回应着。“然后七月的时候，”朋友继续说，“我父亲死了，留给我五万美元。”“哇，两个月内双亲相继死去，难怪你这么悲伤。”“上个月我姑妈过世了，留给我一万五千美元。”“在三个月内失去三个亲近的家人？真悲惨。”“然后在这个月，”朋友继续道，“什么都没有！”
11 Take off Cap
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
“Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that.”his friend says.
“Well, ”Harry replies,“I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do. ”
摘帽
一天，两个男人在玩高尔夫球。正当他们准备开始打一个洞时，一个葬礼队伍从路边经过。其中一个叫哈利的男人摘下了他的帽子，并将帽子放在胸前。站着等行进的队伍走过，接着他又戴上了他的帽子，开始发球。“哈利，你做了一个非常好的手势，你这样做很体贴和恭谦。”他的朋友说。“啊，”哈利回答，“我和她结婚四十年，这是我最后能做的了。”
12 Very Busy
An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick.“I have to see a doctor. ”he told a local,“How can I be sure of getting a good one？”
“It’s easy.”was the reply,“Every time a doctor loses a patient,it’s our law that he must f ly a balloon above his office.”
So the American began his search. One doctor f lew twenty balloons, another thirty. Finally the American found an office that was flying only eight, and went in.
“You’ll have to wait, ”the doctor told him,“for someone who only started practice yesterday, I’ve been very busy.”
太忙
一名美国人在游览南美洲一个偏僻地区时病了。“我得去看医生。”他对一个当地人说，“怎样才能确保找到一位好医生呢？”
对方回答说：“这很容易。我们的法律规定，医生每医死一个病人，就得在诊所上方升起一只气球。”
于是，这个美国人就开始四处寻找。一家诊所上悬着二十只气球，另一家悬着三十只。最后，他发现一家只悬着八只气球，就走了进去。“你得等，”医生对他说，“我昨天才开业，一直很忙。”
13 Doggie Funeral
This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral, and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.
When the dog died, the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally, he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral.“Why brother—I don’t do dogs funerals!”
“OK. ”the executor replied,“But the one who does this funeral gets a fat two million dollars! ”The preacher replied,“Now, wait a minute—you didn’t tell me this dog was a Christian!”
狗的葬礼
富翁去世了，在他的遗嘱中表示，他的狗死之后需要举办一场葬礼，操办这场葬礼的人将会得到一百万美金。
那只狗死后，遗嘱执行人询问了各个教派的教士是否愿意举办这场葬礼。所有人都拒绝了。最后，他问城中一位老布道者是否愿意举办。“兄弟——我可不会为狗举办葬礼！”“好吧，”执行人回道，“但是举办葬礼的人将会得到两百万美金的厚礼啊！”
布道者一听马上说：“等一下——你可没告诉我这只狗原来是个天主教徒啊！”
14 What the Problem Is
One of my fellow midshipmen at the U. S. Naval Academy was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling. “Your marks are deplorable!”the officer scolded,“Is there a problem that has kept you from studies？”
“No, sir,”the midshipman replied,“I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I’m never late to class. I don’t even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don’t seem to like me. ”
The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked,“Do you get enough sleep？”
My classmate replied,“Sir, do you mean at night or in class？”
问题所在
我有个美国海军学院候补军官同伴，学业很差。他到尉官那里进行咨询。“你的分数糟透了！”尉官责备说，“有什么问题阻碍你学习吗？”“没有，先生，”候补军官回答说，“我搞不清是什么问题。我攻读自己记的笔记，上课从不迟到，甚至上课也不说话，但教授们好像就是不喜欢我。”
军官向后一靠，想了想，然后问道：“你睡眠充足吗？”
我的同学回答说：“先生，你是说夜里还是课堂上？”
15 An Englishman
Once late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he asked. The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.
After a half‐hour, the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.
“Nothing.”the Englishman answered imperturbably,“It’s simply that my room is on fire. ”
一个英国人
一天晚上，一个英国人从他住的旅店房间里走出来，来到走廊上，叫旅店的服务员给他拿一杯水来。服务员按他的要求做了。英国人回到了他的房间里，几分钟后他又来到走廊上，让服务员再给他送一杯水。服务员又给他送了一杯水。每隔几分钟，英国人就走出房间重复他的要求。
半小时之后，这位感到惊讶的服务员决定问问房客要这些水干什么，英国人不慌不忙地回答：“没什么，只不过是我的房间里起火了。”
16 The Patient Suffered a Severe Relapse
The patient was convalescing after an operation for appendicitis. His friend asked him how he was getting along.
“Pretty well.”was the answer,“After my first operation, they had to cut me open again. It seems the surgeon hand left a sponge in me and they had to get that out.”
“But you got over that all right.”
“Oh, yes, only I had another operation yesterday. They found a scalpel which had been sewed up in me by mistake.”
“Surely you are all right now, though.”the friend said encouraginly.
But the patient suffered a severe relapse, for just then the doctor hurried thorough the ward saying,“Has anyone seen my hat around here？ I left it somewhere yesterday.”
病情再度恶化
一位病人正在阑尾炎手术的康复过程中，他的朋友问他康复得怎么样。“非常不错。”他回答说，“第一次手术过后，他们又给我开了一刀，好像是医生把海绵落在我的身体里了，他必须把它取出来。”“但是你恢复得不错啊。”“哦，是的，只是我昨天做了另一个手术，他们发现一个手术刀被误缝在我的身体里了。”“但是你确实恢复得很好。”这位朋友鼓励道。
但是这个病人的病情再度恶化了，过了一会儿，医生急匆匆走进病房说：“有谁看到我的帽子了？我昨天不知道把它落在哪里了。”
17 Making All the People Happy
Due to a mix‐up on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a ＄1000 bill and says,“I’m going to throw this ＄1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy. ”
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped ＄1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying,“Look, I just made two people really happy. ”
Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 ＄1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. ”
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says,“I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make all the people happy. ”
使所有人都高兴
由于格莱美颁奖委员会的失误，麦当娜、布兰妮·斯皮尔斯和克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉被迫共同乘坐一架私人喷气飞机赶去颁奖典礼。
飞机起飞后，麦当娜扔出了一千美元的支票说：“我把这一千美元的支票从窗户扔出去，能让地面上的某个人很开心。”
不想被麦当娜的风头压过去，布兰妮把一张一千美元的支票撕成两半，从窗户扔了出去，说：“看，我会让两个人很开心。”
克里斯蒂娜甚至没有意识到布兰妮愚蠢的举动，在一边吹牛说：“看吧，我要扔下一千张一美元的支票，这会让更多的人开心！”
这时，那个偶然听到整个吹嘘攀比过程的飞行员再也忍不住了，说：“我觉得我把你们三个扔下去的话，会让所有人开心。”
18 God Will Pay the Bill
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Jack, you’re going to be just fine, ”said the nun, gently patting his hand,“we do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance？”
“No, I’m not. ”the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash？”persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives？”the nun continued.
“Just my sister in New York.”he volunteered,“But she’s a spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jack. Nuns are not‘spinsters’; they are married to God.”
“Really？ Wonderful.”said Jack,“In that case, you can send the bill to my brother‐in‐law!”
上帝付药费
一个男子被紧急送到手术急救室。手术很成功，他苏醒后，身旁守候的修女安慰着他。“杰克先生，一切都会好起来的。”修女一边轻轻地拍着他的手一边说道，“但是我们想知道你怎么来付医药费呢，你有保险吗？”“没有。”杰克喉咙嘶哑，低声说道。“能付现金吗？”修女接着问。“恐怕不能，修女。”“那么，你有近亲吗？”修女继续问。“只有一个妹妹在纽约，”他提到，“但是，她是修女，还没有结婚。”“哦，我必须更正一下，修女不是未婚者，修女嫁给了上帝。”“是真的吗？太棒了，”杰克说，“要是那样的话，你可以把医药费寄给我的妹夫！”
19 Upsetting the Stewardess
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks,“And get me a coke, you cow! ”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls,“And get me another coke! ”
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach.
“I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat! ”
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says,“For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got some guts! ”
让空姐慌张
登机后，一名男子非常吃惊地看到他旁边坐着一只系着安全带的鹦鹉。他向空姐要了一杯咖啡，于是鹦鹉也咯咯地叫道：“给我来一杯可乐，你这头母牛！”
慌张的空姐给鹦鹉端回来一杯可乐却忘了端咖啡。
当男子指出空姐的疏忽时，鹦鹉喝掉了它那杯饮料，大声叫道：“再给我来杯可乐！”
由于非常不安，这位姑娘摇摇晃晃地端回来另一杯可乐但仍然忘了咖啡。
这个男人对这样的失责感到很不满，于是试着用鹦鹉的口气说：“我已经叫了两次咖啡！现在快去给我拿来，你这头老山羊！”
然后，他和这只鹦鹉被两名强壮的男乘务员一把拎起来扔出了紧急出口。
下降过程中鹦鹉对他说：“对于不会飞的人来说，你还真够胆！”
20 Quick Fix
When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.
“Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald, ”she confided,“and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they’re through paying their last respects. ”
“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary, ”comforted the undertaker.“I’ll fix it so that toupee will never come off. ”
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going‐over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter so efficiently.
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money. ”protested the undertaker,“What’s five nails？”
快速固定
年迈的奥列瑞先生故去时，大家精心准备了守丧计划。准备时，奥列瑞太太把承办人叫到一边，做了一次私下交谈。“请千万要注意把他头上戴的假发保护好，除了我还没有人知道他是秃顶。”奥列瑞太太倾诉道，“如果有谁知道此事，我先生会难以安息的。在我们家乡来的朋友们最后和他道别之前，他们肯定要握他的手，摸他的头的。”“放心吧，奥列瑞太太，”承办人安慰道，“我会处理好他的假发，绝不会掉下来的”。
果真如此，守丧那天，虽然奥列瑞先生的尸体被一群老古董们折腾了个遍，但那顶假发仍很牢固。那天结束后，高兴的奥列瑞太太为奖励承办人的办事效率高，额外地给了他几百元钱。“我不能要你的钱，”承办人坚持道，“不就是五个钉子的事吗？”
21 Lawyer
A successful lawyer parked his brand‐new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
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