休闲娱乐必读：浪漫满怀——英文笑话集(txt+pdf+epub+mobi电子书下载)

作者：高雅哲

格式: AZW3, DOCX, EPUB, MOBI, PDF, TXT

休闲娱乐必读：浪漫满怀——英文笑话集试读：

A history teacher and his wife were sitting at the table.

The wife asked,“Anything new at work？”

He replied,“No, I am teaching history. ”

一位历史老师

一位历史老师和他的妻子在吃饭。

妻子问到：“工作上有什么新鲜事吗？”

丈夫回答说：“没有，我是教历史的。”2 Where Are the Alps

My husband was absorbed in his favorite TV program when our young son went to ask him about a homework problem. “Dad, ”he said,“where are the Alps？”

“Ask your mother, ”came the reply,“she puts everything away. ”

阿尔卑斯山在哪里

丈夫正聚精会神地看着他最喜爱的电视节目，这时我们的小儿子走过去问他一道作业题。“爸爸，”他说，“阿尔卑斯山在哪里？”“问你妈妈去，”他回答说，“东西都是她收的。”3 Nearsightedness

A nearsighted man lost his hat in a strong wind. He gave chase. A woman screamed from a nearby farmhouse.

“What are you doing there？”

“Getting my hat.”he replied.

“Your hat？”exclaimed the woman,“That’s our little black hen you’re chasing. ”

近视

一阵大风把一个近视的男人帽子掀掉了。他拔腿追赶起来。一个女人在不远处的一座农舍尖声嚷道：“你在那里做什么？”“追我的帽子呀。”他回答说。“你的帽子？”妇女尖叫道，“你追的是我们家的小黑母鸡。”4 What Is a Traitor

Young hopeful: Father, what is a traitor in politics？

Father(a veteran politician): A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.

Young hopeful: Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？

Father: A convertite, my son.

什么叫叛徒

有希望的青年人：父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？

父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。

有希望的青年人：那么，离开他的党而加入到你那个党的人又叫什么呢？

父亲：叫改变信仰者，我的儿子。5 I Am Afraid of That Too

After some laborious hours at her painting, she rose and called her husband, a famous painter.

“Come and look at my picture, dear. I’m satisfied with the result that I’m afraid that people will mistake it for your work. ”

After a careful study of the painting, the artist replied,“I’m afraid of that too. ”

我也担心这个

连续几个小时埋头作画之后，她起身对身为著名画家的丈夫喊道：“亲爱的，过来看看我这幅画。我对这幅作品非常满意，有点担心别人会误认为是你的作品。”

艺术家仔细看过妻子的画后回答说：“这个我也有点担心。”6 Piano

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check‐in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife,“Why didn’t you bring the piano too？”

“Are you trying to be funny？”she replied.

“No, ”he sighed,“I left the tickets on it. ”

钢琴

搬运工肩扛手提大箱小包，跟着一对夫妇去到航班登记处。

当他们接近队列时，丈夫朝一堆行李看了一眼，对妻子说：“为什么没把钢琴也带来？”“你是在开玩笑吗？”她反问道。“不，”他叹道，“我把机票放在钢琴上了。”7 Meeting My Wife

Two friends were having lunch at a cafe in New York’s Grand Central Terminal. They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress approached him, they overheard her ask, “Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, slim girl with long, blond hair？”

He answered,“In the larger scheme of life, yes.But today I’m meeting my wife.”

等我太太

两个朋友在纽约市中心汽车站的咖啡厅共进午餐，注意到有个男人独坐在邻桌。当女服务员走过来时，两个人听到她问：“你是在等一位身材细高、金发长长的女孩吗？”

那人回答说：“从人生长远计划来说，是这样。但今天，我是在等我的太太。”8 Traffic Jam

On a beautiful October day, my husband and I were taking a drive through the Georgian mountains. When traffic slowed to a snail’s pace, we assumed there was road construction or on an accident ahead.

My husband reached for the CB radio and asked,“Can anyone tell me when traffic returns to normal？”

Came the reply,“When the leaves are gone. ”

堵车事件

一个美丽的10月天，我和丈夫驱车穿过乔治亚山。当车速减慢像蜗牛一样爬行时，我们猜测到前面要么是正在修路，要么就是出了车祸。

丈夫伸手去拿对讲机问道：“谁能告诉我什么时候交通能恢复正常？”

对方回话说：“树叶掉光的时候。”9 I Beg Your Pardon

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer,“What a terrible voice!”he said,“Do you know who she is？”

“Yes. ”was the answer,“She is my wife.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon.”The man said,“Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”

“I did. ”was the answer.

请原谅

一位女士正在唱歌。一位客人转身对他旁边的男士批评这个唱歌的人。“多难听的嗓音！”他说，“你知道她是谁吗？”“知道，”男士回答，“她是我太太。”“噢，请你原谅，”客人说，“当然，她的嗓音并不坏，但那歌实在太差了。我想知道那是谁写的歌。”“是我。”男士回答道。10 Want to Switch Seats

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion.

On the morning of our 25th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted,“Honey, do you realize that we’ve been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 25 years？ ”

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said,“So, you want to switch seats？ ”

换位子

结婚已经很长时间了，丈夫有时需要稍微提醒才能想起某个特殊日子。

在结婚二十五周年纪念日的早上，我们坐在早餐桌旁。这时，我暗示说：“亲爱的，你有没有意识到我们在这两个位子上已经坐了整整二十五年？”

他放下报纸，眼睛直视着我说：“这么说，你想换换位子？”11 Which Is Which

A few years ago, there were quite a number of hippies walking on the streets in America. One day, a man met up with two of them, one older and the other younger.

He said to the elder of the two,“Pardon me. May I ask you a question？ Is this your son or daughter？ ”

“This is my daughter. ”replied the senior hippie.

“I have another question. ”continued the curious stranger.“Are you her father or her mother？ ”

雌雄难辨

几十年前，在美国的大街上可以看到很多嬉皮士。一天，一个人就遇到了两个嬉皮士，一老一少。

他问年长的那个：“您好，能问个问题吗？这是您儿子还是女儿啊？”“这是我女儿。”年长的嬉皮士回答说。“我还有一个问题，”这个人好奇地追问道，“那么你是她爸爸，还是她妈妈？”12 Gift

Sam had always been a good husband and a wonderful provider.

Every anniversary he gave his wife Helen a gift, but it was always practical: shoes, stockings, a lamp, a vase—never anything sentimental.

Now, after being married for forty years, Sam had made a lot of money, and Helen felt he could afford something nice like a mink coat. But this year, again being practical, he bought her a cemetery and a beautiful coffin.

礼物

萨姆是一位好丈夫，非常善于赚钱养家。

每年的结婚纪念日，他都要送给妻子海伦一件礼物，礼物总是非常实用：一双鞋子、一双袜子、一盏灯、一只花瓶——从来没送过浪漫花哨的礼物。

如今，结婚四十年后，萨姆已经腰缠万贯，海伦觉得现在他可以买得起一些像貂皮大衣那样的漂亮礼物了。但今年的礼物还是非常实用：他给她买了一块墓地和一副漂亮棺材。13 Middle‐aged Woman

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City’s Grand Central Terminal. As I neared the gate, a plump, middle‐aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.

Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said,“Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet？”

中年妇女

上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口时，一个肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失足仰面滑倒。惯性使她滑到了我的脚边。

我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眼，说：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”14 Swimming Pool

After a 12‐hour drive to our honeymoon destination, Diana Beach, my husband and I decided to refresh ourselves with a dip in the motel pool.

Later we dressed for dinner and went down to the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table, we sat in the lounge and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening tank.

Curious, my husband asked,“Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty？”

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied,“That’s not a fish tank. It’s swimming pool.”

游泳池

经过12小时驱车旅行后，我们到达了度蜜月的目的地——戴安娜海滩。我和丈夫决定到汽车旅馆的游泳池里泡上一阵，消除一下疲劳。

随后，我们穿上衣服，下到汽车旅馆的餐厅准备吃饭。我们坐在那里的一张桌边要了饮料。酒吧上方有一个硕大无比、闪闪发光的空池。

我的丈夫感到好奇，就问道：“为什么这样漂亮的鱼缸是空的？”

酒吧招待咧嘴笑着回答说：“那不是鱼缸，是游泳池。”15 Old Habit

Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress—only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad all unusual personal safe—A can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.

“Oh, yes,”she replied,“he put his money in it the same day. ”

“No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!”I gloated.

“They won’t have to. ”my mom replied,“He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer. ”

老习惯

我父亲是很守旧的人，旧时人们都把钱藏在床垫底下，只不过他把钱放在装内衣的抽屉里。一天我给他买了一个特别的私人保险狗——一个喷漆罐，它的底是假的。这样他就可以把钱放在工作的地方了。后来我问母亲父亲有没有用它。“哦，用了，”她回答说，“他当天就把钱放进去了。”“小偷肯定不会去看工作架的。”我得意洋洋地说。“他们根本没必要去看，”我母亲回答说，“你父亲把喷漆罐放在了装内衣的抽屉里啦。”16 Get the Cat Out First

“Doctor, doctor!”said the panic‐stricken woman,“My husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do？”

“Quite simple. ”said the doctor calmly,“You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite‐haul it out.”

“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go round to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”

“What do you want a cod’s head for？”

“Oh I forgot to tell gou, I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

先把猫弄出来“医生，医生！”一位惊慌失措的妇女叫着，“我的丈夫张着嘴睡觉，把一只老鼠给吞下去了！我该怎么办呀？”“很简单，”医生冷静地说，“你把一小块干酪系在绳子上，吊到你丈夫的嘴里。只要老鼠一咬，就把老鼠给拉出来。”“哦，我明白了。医生，谢谢你。我立刻就去卖鱼的那里弄一个鱼头。”“鱼头有什么用？”“哦，我忘了跟你说，我得先把猫弄出来！”17 So Am I

Frequent hand‐washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh Alaskan weather combined to give me very dry skin. One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of old white gloves.

As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room. Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and began putting it on.“What are you doing？”I asked.

“Well, ”he replied,“if you’re going to be formal, so am I.”

我也想这样

身为一名医药技师，我在工作中需要频繁洗手，加上阿拉斯加的恶劣天气，使我的皮肤非常干燥。一天夜里，准备睡觉时，我用凡士林油搓了搓手，并戴上一双白色旧手套。

我坐在床上戴着手套读书时，丈夫洗完澡，走了进来。他擦干身子，走到壁橱选了一条领带，开始打起了领带。“你在干什么？”我问。“噢，”他回答说，“如果你想合乎礼仪，我也想这样。”18 Pick Out Your Husband

Seven men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two‐story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in an upstairs window.

The spokesman for the group yelled up,“Is this where Mr. Tommy lives？ ”

“Yes, it is. What do you want？ ”

“Are you Mrs. Tommy？ ”

“I am Mrs. Tommy. What do you want？”

“Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Tommy so the rest of us can go home？ ”

领回你丈夫

大约凌晨一点钟，七个已经神志不清的人在街上踉踉跄跄地走着。他们大声地笑着、唱着，来到了一座两层的楼门前。其中一个人费力地走到门口，连续地按着门铃。只见楼上有个窗户的灯亮了。

这位代表大声说道：“汤米先生是住这儿吗？”“是啊，你想干嘛？”“你是汤米太太吗？”“我是啊，你想干嘛？”“你能下来一下，把你丈夫领回去吗？我们好回家啊。”19 Early Precaution

There was an American couple who had no children, so they wanted to adopt a child. Finally, an orphanage contacted them and said,“We have a baby for adoption. It’s a Russian orphan.”

The couple was delighted and went to bring the baby home.

On the way home, they stopped by a university to enroll in a Russian course.

“Why do you want to learn Russian？ The English that we speak is a very good language. ”the university secretary asked.

“Well, we just adopted a Russian baby. When he begins to speak Russian in a few years, we are afraid that we might not be able to understand him. ”the couple replied.

未雨绸缪

有一对美国夫妇没有孩子，想领养个小孩。终于有一家孤儿院通知他们说：“我们现在有一个婴儿可以让你们收养，是个俄国孤儿。”

他们很高兴地去把婴儿抱了回去。

在回家的路上，他们来到一所大学，想要报名学俄语。

学校里的秘书问：“你们为什么要学俄语呢？我们的英语是很好的语言啊！”

这对美国夫妻说：“因为我们刚刚领养了一个俄国婴儿，几年后等他开口讲俄语时，我们怕听不懂。”20 Strip Off and Streak

Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn’t get attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea,“Why don’t we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room？”The second woman agreed that this might work.

The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.

One man turned to the other and said,“Joe, was that Mary that just ran past us？”The other one said,“I think so, but what the hell was she wearing？”

The first one said,“I don’t know, but it sure needs ironing!”

裸奔

一家养老院的两个老妇人对同住在这里的两个老绅士很感兴趣。但是无论她们用什么方法，始终不能引起他们的注意。后来，其中的一个老妇人想出一个绝妙的主意：“我们何不脱光衣服，在电视室里从他们前面裸奔过去呢？”另一个老妇也认为这个办法有可能会管用。

第二天，她们鼓起全部勇气，脱光了衣服，以最快的速度从那两个老男人面前狂奔过去，一边跑还一边咯咯地笑着。

其中一个老男人转过头对另一个说：“乔，刚才从我们面前跑过的是玛丽吗？”另一个回答说：“我想是的，但是她身上穿的是什么鬼东西？”

第一个人说：“不知道，但是那衣服肯定该熨一熨啦。”21 Canadian Winter

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. Now the widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter.“I just got some news, Mom. ”he said,“The govement has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They have decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think？”

His mother said,“Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters.”

加拿大的冬天

有位老人居住在加拿大的一个小村庄里，这个村庄与美国的北达科他州边境仅有几码的距离。很多年来美国和加拿大一直对这个地方的归属存有争议。这个寡妇现在和她的儿子及三个孙子住在一起。

一天，老妇人的儿子手里拿着一封信走进她的房间里。“妈妈，我刚刚得知一个消息。”他说，“加拿大政府和北达科他州已经达成协议，他们决定把我们这个地方划给美国。而且我们有权利反对这个协议。您有什么看法？”

他妈妈说：“签字，马上打电话告诉他们，我们接受协议！我再也无法忍受这该死的冬天了！”22 Dropped a Piece of Candy

The show was on. It was a very exciting western with the hero fighting a group of horse thieves single‐handed. Bullets were flying in every direction.

An elderly lady suddenly exclaimed,“Oh, my God!”and bent down right and left, felling the floor with her hands.“Excuse me...excuse...me...”she kept repeating to the people sitting beside her,“Excuse me, please. I’ve dropped a piece of candy I was chewing.”

“A piece of candy!”grunted an irritated man in the seat next to her,“Why don’t you sit still, granny. You certainly aren’t going to pick it up and put it back in your mouth, are you？”

“Oh, no. ”replied the old lady firmly.

“Then why bother？”grumbled the impatient man.

“Because...”said the old lady as she continued to fumble in the dark,“...because my teeth are stuck in it!”

掉了一块糖

电影已经开演了，是一部激动人心的美国西部片，主人公正单枪匹马同一群窃马贼打斗，子弹到处飞着。

一位上了年纪的妇女突然叫起来：“哎呀，我的上帝！”说着就弯下腰去，一会儿朝左，一会儿朝右，用手摸着地板。“对不起，对不起……”她不断地对坐在她身边的观众说，“实在对不起。我嘴里嚼的一块糖掉了。”“一块糖！”坐在旁边座位上一位被她惹气了的人不高兴地说，“您干吗不好好地坐着。您总不会把糖拣起来再吃到嘴里去吧？”“当然不会。”老太太坚定地说。“那为什么找这个麻烦？”那不耐烦的人嘟哝说。“因为……”老太太一边继续在黑暗中用手瞎摸，一边说，“……因为我的（假）牙齿粘在那糖上啦！”23 The Secret

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life.“My wife makes all the small decisions, ”he explained,“and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other’s business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments. ”

“That sounds reasonable. ”answered his friend,“And what sort of decisions does your wife make？ ”

“Well, ”answered the man,“she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays and things like that. ”

His friend was surprised.“Oh, ”he replied,“and what do you consider important decisions then？ ”

“Well, ”answered the man,“I decide who should be the Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that. ”

秘诀

一个男人正在对朋友叙述他的幸福婚姻生活的秘诀。“我的妻子对所有的小事作决定，”他解释说，“而我对所有的大事作决定。所以，我们谁也不妨碍谁，从不相互生气。我们不抱怨，也不争吵。”“听起来有道理，”他的朋友回答说，“那你的妻子作哪些决定？”“哦，”那人说，“她决定我申请什么工作、我们住什么房子、我们买什么家具、我们去什么地方度假等等。”

他的朋友非常吃惊。“噢，”他回答说，“那你又作哪些重大决定呢？”“哦，”那人答道，“我决定谁应该成为首相、我们是否对贫困国家增加援助、我们对原子弹应该做些什么等等。”24 False Advertising

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was,“When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. ”She sat under an advertisement which read“Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloane Liniments Remove Swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read“William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident. ”

试读结束[说明：试读内容隐藏了图片]

下载完整电子书