作者：高雅哲
出版社：南海出版公司
格式: AZW3, DOCX, EPUB, MOBI, PDF, TXT
世界如此险恶，打死你我也不会说试读：
第一章 无敌腹黑
1 We Close at Ten“Waitress,”shouted the impatient diner,“do I have to sit here and starve all night? ”
“No, sir, we close at ten o’clock.”我们十点关门“服务员，”顾客不耐烦地喊道，“我必须整晚坐这儿挨饿吗？”“不，先生，我们十点关门。”2 Burglars Broke into the House
Poet: Burglars broke into my house last night.
Friend: Yes? What happened?
Poet: They searched through every room, then left a $10 bill on my bureau.盗贼来访
诗人：“昨晚盗贼闯进了我的屋子。”
朋友：“是吗？丢了什么吗？”
诗人：“他们翻遍了每个房间，然后在我的书桌上留下了一张10美元的钞票。”3 A Polite Horse
John: Tom, how was the horse‐riding yesterday?
Tom: Not so bad. But my horse was too polite.
John: Too polite?
Tom: Yes. When we came to a fence, he let me go first.有礼貌的马
约翰：汤姆，昨天骑马骑得怎么样？
汤姆：不错，但我的马太有礼貌了。
约翰：太有礼貌了？
汤姆：是的。当我们要跨栏时，它让我先过去了。4 Have the Money
“How did you plan your future？”
“I became the partner of a rich man. He had the money and I had the experience.”
“How did that help？”
“Now he has the experience and I have the money.”致富“你是如何计划未来的？”“我成为一个富人的合伙人。他有钱，我有经验。”“那如何发挥作用？”“现在他有经验，我有钱。”5 The Man Is Looking for It
A little boy came home with a five‐dollar bill and said he found it.
“Are you sure it was lost?”asked his mother.
“Sure,I’m sure,”said the little boy,“I saw the man looking for it. ”他正在找呢
一个小男孩拿着一张5美元的钞票回到家里，他说是捡到的。“你肯定这是别人丢的吗？”他妈妈问。“当然，我确定，”小男孩说，“我看见那个人正在找呢。”6 Egges
“How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard? ”
“One night I hid five eggs under a bush in my garden, and next day I let him see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that. ”鸡蛋“你是如何让邻居把他的母鸡关在自家院子的？”“一天夜里，我在花园的一簇灌木丛下藏了五只鸡蛋。第二天，我让他看到我把那些鸡蛋收了起来。从那以后，我就没被打搅过。”7 Kept Coming Back
At the insistence of a reporter, a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of success.“I first became rich by selling homing pigeons. ”he explained.
“Really?”replied the amazed reporter,“How many did you start with?”
“Only one, ”the millionaire answered,“but he kept coming back.”总是飞回来
在一位记者的坚持下，一名富翁最终决定透露他成功的秘密。“我起先是以卖信鸽发家的。”他解释说。“真的吗？”记者惊讶地反问道，“一开始你有多少只？”“只有一只，”百万富翁回答说，“但它总是飞回来。”8 Good News and Bad News
An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings.
“I’ve got good news and bad news. ”he said,“The good news is that some guy inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 12 of your paintings.”
“And the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”好消息与坏消息
一位画家向美术馆老板打听是否有人对他的画感兴趣。“有好消息，也有坏消息。”他说，“好消息是有人询问你的作品在你死后会不会升值。我告诉他会的，他就把你的十二幅画全买走了。”“那坏消息呢？”“那家伙是你的医生。”9 You Should Be Replaced
A famous film director entered a restaurant.
After the meal, the owner asked him for advice,“If I change some of my cooks and their dishes still can’t attract more customers, what shall I do?”
The director thought for a minute and replied,“In our film studio, if we continue to lose audience with the changes of some actors, the director will get replaced. ”你应该被替换
一位著名电影导演走进一家饭店。
饭后，饭店老板向他请教：“如果更换几个厨师，饭菜仍不能吸引顾客，我应该怎么办？”
导演想了一分钟，回答说：“在我们电影制片厂，如果更换一些演员仍失去观众，我们就更换导演。”10 How to Get a Seat by the Fire
Mr.Jack came to an inn on a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire.
He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse.
“Will your horse eat oysters?”said the hostler.
“Try him.”said Mr. Jack.
Immediately the people ran to see this wonder, and Mr. Jack who alone remained in the room, chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.怎样在火炉旁找个好座位
在一个寒冷的冬天，杰克先生来到一家小客栈，发现火炉旁边已经没有空位了。
于是，他让旅店的伙计去拿些牡蛎来喂他的马。“您的马吃牡蛎吗？”伙计问道。“你试着喂喂吧。”杰克先生回答。
顷刻间，人们都跑去看这一奇观，杰克先生则独自呆在屋里，他在火炉旁找了个最好的座位，舒舒服服地坐在那儿取暖了。11 It Hurts
Carl’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his three‐year older sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Carl,“There, there. She doesn’t mean to hurt you. She doesn’t know that hurts. ”
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rush in a back in, she asked,“What happened?”
“She knows now.”Carl replied.疼
当听到卡尔的尖叫时，卡尔的妈妈跑进卧室，看见比卡尔大三岁的姐姐正在扯他的头发。她慢慢松开小女孩的拉扯，安慰卡尔说：“过来，过来。她不是有意那样做的，她只是不知道那样很疼。”
她刚刚离开房间就听小女孩尖叫起来。她赶紧跑回去问：“发生什么事了？”“她现在知道了。”卡尔答道。12 Is He Really Ill
On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street.A small crowd immediately gathers around him.
“Give the poor man a glass of whiskey. ”advises a woman.
“Give him a heart massage. ”says someone else.
“No, just give him some whiskey. ”insists the woman.“Call an ambulance. ”yells another person.
“A whiskey!”The man suddenly sits up and exclaims.“Shut up, everybody, and do as the kind lady says!”他真病了吗
在一个炎热的夏天，一个上了年纪的男子昏倒在街头，一群人马上围了上去。“给这个可怜的人一杯威士忌吧。”一位女士建议。“给他做一下心脏按摩。”另外一个人说。“不，还是给他一些威士忌。”那位女士坚持说。“还是叫一辆救护车吧。”有人喊起来。“一杯威士忌！”地上的那个人坐起来嚷道，“都闭上嘴，就照那位好心的太太说的去做！”13 Sharing on the Train
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying,“Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”
The Englishman offered everyone a Sandwich, then threw the rest out of the window, saying,“Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”
Then the American threw the lawyer out of the window, saying...火车上的共享
一名法国人、一名英国人、一名美国人和一名律师坐在同一辆火车上。
法国人递给每人一些他带的法国长棍面包，然后把它扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”
英国人递给每人一个三明治，然后把剩下的全扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”
然后美国人把律师扔出窗外，说……14 Letter from A Fool
Mr. Anthony entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word“fool”.Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these word:
“I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter. ”傻瓜来信
一个星期天，安东尼先生上普利茅斯的教堂去，在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封，发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们，他这样说：“写信时忘了签名的人，我倒遇见过很多，但只签了名却忘了写信的人，我却是头一次遇到。”15 To Bury the Goldfish
Little Cathy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky‐faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,“What are you up to there, Cathy?”
“My goldfish died,”replied Cathy tearfully, without looking up,“and I've just buried him. ”
The neighbor was concerned,“That’s an big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Cathy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied.“That’s because he’s inside your cat. ”埋金鱼
小凯西在花园里铲土填坑，邻居在篱笆外看到了。邻居不知道这个神情沮丧的小女孩在做什么，就关切地问：“凯西，你在那儿做什么呀？”“我的小金鱼死了，”凯西低头哭着回答，“我刚刚把金鱼给埋了。”
邻居关心地问：“就埋一条小金鱼挖那么大的坑？”
凯西拍了拍最后一撮土回答说：“那是因为小金鱼在你们家那只猫的肚子里。”16 Perfect Project
My friend Debbie was enrolled in a flower‐arranging class. Although she enjoyed the course, Debbie was miffed when week after week the instructor criticized and redid her careful arrangements.
After the final lesson, though, Debbie came home triumphant.“The teacher didn’t lay a finger on my project tonight!”she announced to her husband.
“Congratulations!”her spouse replied,“It must have been perfect. ”
“It was,”Debbie said, smiling modestly,“I made it with thistles. ”完美设计
朋友黛比到一个插花班上课。尽管她喜欢这门课，但当指导老师一周又一周地批评她并把她精心插好的花重整一遍时，她有点儿生气。
而上过最后一次课后，黛比得意洋洋地回到了家里。“老师今晚对我的设计一根指头也没动！”她对丈夫大声说道。“恭喜恭喜！”她的丈夫回答说，“那一定是非常完美。”“是这样，”黛比面带微笑谦虚地说，“我做的是带刺的。”17 Two Hundred Times
In the traffic court of a large mid‐western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye.“You are a school teacher, eh?”said he,“Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write‘I went through a red light’two hundred times. ”两百遍
在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭上，一位女士因开车闯红灯被带到法官面前受审。女士解释说自己是老师并请求法官快一点结案，自己还得赶回去上课。突然，法官的眼神流露出狂喜。“你是老师啊？”法官问，“这位女士，我可以实现毕生的抱负了。坐到那张桌子后面，把‘我闯了红灯’几个字写上两百遍。”18 Who on earth Lost
Jonathan likes gambling very much. Once he gambled with his boss, saying,“A mole is on your chest, if you don’t believe it. Let’s bet $500 on it. ”
The boss said seriously,“Give me your money. ”Saying that, he took off his clothes, as a matter of fact, nothing was on his chest. The boss got the money happily. He told one of his colleagues that he beat Jonathan in gambling.
His colleague got angry, saying,“Stop it. He gambled with me, he said he could make you take off your clothes in five minutes. And the price was $1000. ”到底谁输了
乔纳森非常喜欢打赌。一次他和他的上司赌了起来：“你胸前有一块胎记，不信我们赌500块钱。”
上司非常严肃地说：“把钱拿出来吧，你输了！”说着他脱下了衣服。他的身上真的什么也没有。上司得意地收了钱，然后他跟一位同事说他和乔纳森打赌赢了。同事非常丧气地说：“别提了，他刚才跟我打赌，他说他能在五分钟内让你脱下衣服，赌现金1 000块。”19 The Eager Beaver
Bill was a new employee at the insurance office, but in a short time all his fellow workers began to complain about him.
“He’s an eager beaver.”protested one worker,“He does so much work that it makes all of us look bad.”
“What’s he trying to do?”wailed another employee,“Get a promotion?”
Three weeks later Bill was called into the office of the personnel manager.
“Bill, you’re a good worker, but I have had news for you.”announced the manager,“We’ll have to lay you off.”
“Why? I don’t understand. I do more work than all the staff put together.”
“That’s the trouble.”
“The staff has nothing to worry about. I’m not going to take away their jobs.”
“I’m not worried about their jobs. I’m worried about mine.”工作狂
比尔是一家保险公司的新雇员，但是很短一段时间后，他的同事们都开始抱怨他。“他是一个工作狂。”一位职员抗议道，“他做了太多的事情，使得我们其他所有人都显得工作不够多。”“他到底想干什么？”另一个雇员附和道，“想升职吗？”
三周之后，比尔被人事经理叫到办公室。“比尔，你是一名好员工。但是，我有一个坏消息要告诉你，”经理对他说，“我们必须解雇你。”“为什么？我不明白，我做的工作比其他所有员工加起来做的都多。”“这正是问题所在。”“同事们不用担忧，我不会抢走他们的工作。”“我不担心你抢走他们的工作，我担心你抢走我的饭碗。”20 Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one’s name was Cody, and the second one’s name was Dick.
Cody said,“Have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Dick?”
Dick said,“Yes, I have. ”And he gave them to him.
Then Cody said,“Now I haven’t got a pen. ”
Dick gave him his, and Cody wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said,“Have you got a stamp, Dick？”Dick gave him one.
Then Dick got up and went to the door, so Cody said to him,“Are you going out?”
Dick said,“Yes, I am. ”And he opened the door.
Cody said,“Please put my letter in the box in the office, and...”He stopped.
“What do you want now?”Dick said to him.
Cody looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, “What’s your girlfriend’s address? ”两个士兵
两个士兵在军营里，一个叫科迪，另一个叫狄克。
科迪说：“狄克，你有纸和信封吗？”
狄克说：“有。”然后他把纸和信封递给了科迪。
科迪又说：“我现在没有笔。”
狄克把自己的笔给了科迪，科迪开始写信，然后将信装进信封里，说：“狄克，你有邮票吗？”狄克递给科迪一张邮票。
狄克站起身，向门外走去，科迪问他：“你要出去吗？”
狄克说：“是的，我要出去。”然后推开了门。
科迪说：“请帮我把信投到邮筒里，然后……”他欲言又止。
狄克对他说：“你现在又想让我为你做什么？”
科迪看着信封，回答道：“你女朋友的地址是什么？”21 Fishing with a Mirror
A man saw a fisherman standing in a lake with a mirror.
“Excuse me, ”he said,“but could you tell me what you’re doing?”
“I’m fishing. ”
“With a mirror?”the man asked.
“Sure~it’s a new invention. I’m going to make a fortune. ”
“Could you tell me how it works?”
“Okay, but it’ll cost you ten dollars. ”
The man was so curious that he handed the fisherman the money.“Now show me how it works.”he said.
“Well, ”the fisherman began,“you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab him. ”
The man was shocked,“You can’t mean to tell me that’s how you fish. It’s ridiculous! How many have you caught?”
“You’re the sixth today！”replied the fisherman.用镜子钓鱼
一个人看到一个渔夫拿着镜子站在湖里。“对不起，”他说，“你能告诉我你在做什么吗？”“我在钓鱼。”“用镜子钓鱼？”这个人问道。“当然——这是一项新发明。我打算发大财。”“你能告诉我镜子是怎样钓鱼的吗？”“行，但这要花费你10美元。”
这人非常好奇，就把钱递给了渔夫。“现在告诉我镜子是怎样钓鱼的。”他说。“好，”渔夫开口说道，“你把镜子对着水照。当鱼游过时，镜子反射的光会使它大吃一惊。趁它困惑时，你就一把抓住它。”
这人大为震惊：“你该不会告诉我，你就是这样钓鱼的吧。真荒唐！你已经钓了多少条？”“今天你是第六条！”渔夫回答说。22 A Large Hole
There was a farmer who lived near a road.
It was not a busy road, but from time to time, cars passed the farm.
Near the farm gate, there was a large hole in the road. This hole was always full of water, and the drivers of the cars could not see how deep the hole was. They thought it was probably shallow. Then when they drove into the hole, they could not drive out because it was so deep.
The farmer did not spend much time working on his farm. He spent most of it watching the hole. When a car drove into it, he pulled the car out with his tractor and charged the driver a lot of money for doing this.
One day, the driver of a car said to him,“You must make a lot of money pulling cars out of this hole night and day. ”
“Oh，no，”the farmer said,“I don’t pull cars out of the hole at night but fill the hole with water.”大水坑
有个农夫住在路边上。
尽管这不是交通拥堵路段，但有时也有汽车从农场路过。
农场大门旁边的路上有个大坑，坑里常常满是水，汽车司机看不出坑有多深，他们以为可能很浅。而司机们一旦把车开进坑里，就别想再开出来，因为坑太深了。
农夫也不怎么在农场里干活，大部分时间都在看着这个坑。当汽车开进坑里时，他就用拖拉机把它拉上来，然后向司机收很多钱。
一天，一位汽车司机对他说：“你夜以继日把汽车往外拉，肯定赚了很多钱。”“噢，不，”农夫说，“我夜里不拉车，而是往这坑里灌水。”23 A Shoebox
A man asks a woman to marry him, but before she agrees, she tells him that she keeps a shoebox under the bed and she never wants him to look in it. He understands. He figures he doesn’t like people looking in his wallet, and agrees that he will never look in the shoebox.
Well, five years go by and they are happily married. The husband is home alone one day and curiosity gets the best of him. He opens the box and looks inside three eggs and $5000 in cash. He is clueless.
When his wife comes home he confesses to looking in the box.“Now you have to tell me what it means. ”he says.
“OK. ”she answers,“Every time I’ve had an affair on you, I put an egg in the box. ”
The man is flabbergasted. But then he thinks about it, and figures three affairs in five years isn’t too bad. He takes a deep breath and realizes he can deal with it.“So then what is the $5000?”he asks.
“Every time the box is full, I’ll sell them.”she answers.鞋盒
有个男子向女友求婚，在答应他的求婚之前，女子告诉他，她在床底下藏了一只鞋盒，并要他答应绝对不能去看盒子里的东西。男子表示他能够理解，他也不喜欢人去翻他的皮夹。
五年过去了，他们一直过着幸福的婚姻生活。有一天，先生独自在家，他的好奇心战胜了理智，于是他把鞋盒打开，看到里面放着三个蛋和五千元的现金。
他觉得莫明奇妙。当妻子回家之后，他坦承自己偷看鞋盒的事。“现在你可以告诉我这些东西代表什么吗？”他问。“可以。”他的妻子回答。“我每有一次外遇，就会在鞋盒里放粒蛋。”
男子听了愣住，但后来他想了一想，五年中有三次外遇还不算太坏。他深吸了一口气接受了这个事实。“那五千元又代表什么呢？”男子又问。“每次累积到一打蛋，我就会拿去卖钱。”妻子回答道。24 NASA Mars Mission
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, that is to say the guy would never return to the Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“One million dollars, ”the engineer answered,“and I want to donate it all to my almamater—Rice University. ”
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
“Two millions dollars, ”the doctor said,“and I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research. ”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear,“Three million dollars. ”
“Why so much more than the others? ”the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied,“You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer. ”国航局火星计划
美国国航局正在面试几位他们准备派往火星的专家。问题是只有一个人能去，而且这是一次单程旅行，也就是说那人不可能再回到地球上。
第一个申请人是一名工程师，面试官问他这次行动他想要多少钱。“一百万美元，”工程师回答，“我想把它全部捐给我的母校——赖斯大学。”
第二个申请人是一名医生，面试官问了他相同的问题。“两百万美元，”医生说，“我想留一百万给我的家人，然后把剩下的一百万捐赠出去以促进医学研究的发展。”
最后一位申请人是一名律师。当问到他想要多少报酬时，他凑近面试官的耳朵小声说：“三百万美元。”“为什么比别人多这么多？”面试官问道。
律师回答：“你给我三百万美元，我会给你一百万，自己留一百万，然后我们把工程师派出去。”25 Two plus Two
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with“How much is two plus two?”
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announced,“Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced,“Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked,“How much do you want it to be?”二加二
一名工程师、一名物理学家和一名律师为争取一家大公司的首席执行官这一职位参加了面试。
工程师最先进去面试，他被问了一长串问题，最后一个问题是：“二加二等于多少？”
这位工程师请求离开一会儿，他做了一系列的测量和计算之后，回到董事会议室宣布答案：“等于四。”
接下来是物理学家，他也被问了同样的问题。在回答最后一题之前，他也请求离开，前往图书馆，做了一系列的调查研究。同美国标准局有关人士进行磋商，做了许多估算。最后他同样宣布：“等于四。”
律师最后一位参加，他也被问了同样的问题。在面试结束的时候，回答最后一题之前，他检查了整个房间的角落，看看门外是否有人，检查电话是否有窃听器，然后问：“你希望答案是多少？”26 Drunk Superman
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him,“This place is great, isn’t it? ”He asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies,“Why do you say that? ”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds,“Follow me. ”The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, twelve floors below.
“Here’s why. ”The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air is great here! ”he says,“It’s relaxing. ”
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar‐room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window‐down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to the other side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeeper comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know, ”he says, disgusted,“you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman. ”喝醉的超人
两个男人坐在酒吧里，慢慢地喝着自己的酒。
不久，第一个男人走到第二个男人的旁边，说：“这个地方很棒，是吧？”
第二个男人对他的话有些吃惊，问道：“为什么这么说呢？”
第一个人压低声音回应道：“跟我来。”这两人走到房间尽头的一扇大窗前。
窗户对着大街，在十二层。“这就是原因。”第一个男人推开窗，勇敢地跨出去踩在稀薄的空气上，但是他却停在半空没有掉下去！“这儿的空气真好啊！”他叫道，“真让人觉得放松。”
他飘回房内，双脚落回地面后，便邀请第二个人试一下。
那人有些怀疑地往窗外瞟了瞟——这儿离地面可有十二层楼高啊。他看看另一边，最后再看看上面，看是不是有什么东西支撑着这个人。
最后确定这不是个玩笑，那人便吞了口口水，闭上眼，迈入稀薄的空气里。然后他飞速地从十二楼掉下去摔在人行道上。
第一个人咧嘴笑着，回到酒吧。酒吧侍者恼火地走到他坐的地方。“你知道吗，”他愤怒地说，“你喝醉时真是一个混蛋，超人。”
第二章 萌倒童年
1 Mother and SonMommy: Denny, have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Denny: No, they haven’t finished what I gave them yesterday.母与子
妈妈：丹尼，今天你给金鱼加新水了吗？
丹尼：没有，昨天我给它们的水还没喝完呢。2 Why Is He Crying
Mum: Why are you crying?
Henry: I cleaned the bird cage and the canary disappeared.
Mum: How did you clean it?
Henry: With a vacuum cleaner, mum.他为什么哭
妈妈：你为什么哭啊？
享利：我刚才打扫鸟笼来着，金丝雀不见了。
妈妈：你怎么打扫的鸟笼？
享利：用吸尘器，妈妈。3 Is It a Good Way
“John, I hear you’ve been fighting with one of those boys next door and have given him a black eye. ”
“Yeah. You see, they are twins and I have to find some way to tell them apart. ”是好办法吗“约翰，听说你一直在和隔壁家的一个小男孩打架，还把他眼睛打黑了。”“对呀，他们是双胞胎，我想找个办法把他们区分开。”4 Why Is Your Face So Red
Mother: Jim, why is your face so red?
Jim: I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Jim: Gaby and me.你的脸为什么那么红
妈妈：“吉姆，你的脸为什么那么红？”
吉姆：“我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架。”
妈妈：“你做得对，是谁和谁在打架？”
吉姆：“加比和我。”5 A Clever Girl
After supper, father took his little daughter Iris to go out for a walk. Before they left, Iris said to her father,“Daddy, please take some chocolates with you in case I cry on the way. ”聪明的小女孩
晚饭后，爸爸带着小女儿艾丽丝出去散步。出门前，爱丽丝对爸爸说：“爸爸，请您带上些巧克力吧，以防我在路上哭闹。”6 A Good Box of Matches
Mother sent Jenny to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches．When Jenny came back mother asked her,“Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes, mum．”Jenny replied,“I have tried them all．”一盒好火柴
妈妈让詹妮去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。詹妮回来后，妈妈问：“你买的是好用的火柴吗？”“是的，妈妈。”詹妮回答，“我把它们都试过了。”7 It Was Fine This Morning
Denny’s father rushed out of the bathroom waving his shaving brush.
“This thing’s useless!”he complained,“I can’t shave with it. ”
“That’s funny. ”said Denny,“It was fine this morning when I washed my bike with it. ”今天早晨还好着呢
丹尼的爸爸挥动着手里的修面刷从浴室里冲了出来。“这个东西真是没用。”他埋怨说，“根本不能修脸。”“真有意思，”丹尼说，“我今天早晨用它刷我的自行车时它还好好的呢。”8 I Need His Football
Kevin knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered, he asked,“Can Mickey come out to play?”
“No,”said the mother. “it’s too cold. ”
“Well, then,”said Kevin,“can his football come out to play?”我需要他的足球
凯文敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来开门时，他问：“米奇可以出来玩吗？”“不行，”那位妈妈说，“天气太冷了。”“噢，那么，”凯文说，“他的足球可以出来玩吗？”9 What do They Eat
Two little boys were watching the sparrows eating food at a bird table.
One of them asked,“I wonder what they eat when they can’t find food on the bird table.”
“They eat what they can find. ”replied the other.
“What happens when they can’t find anything?”
“Then they can eat something else.”吃什么
两个小男孩在看麻雀们吃食。
其中一个问：“我想知道它们在那上面找不着东西时吃什么呢？”“吃它们能找到的东西。”另一个答道。“要是它们什么也没有找到呢？”“那它们就吃别的食物呗。”10 A Boy with a Big Head
A boy cried to his mother,“All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head. ”
“Don’t listen to them, ”his mother said,“you have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of potatoes. ”
“Where is the shopping bag?”
“I haven’t got one—use your hat. ”大头娃娃
一个小男孩对他妈妈哭诉：“所有的孩子都取笑我，他们说我有一个大脑袋。”“别听他们瞎说，”他妈妈说，“你有一个漂亮的脑袋。现在，别哭了，去商店买20磅土豆吧。”“购物袋呢？”“没有——就用你的帽子吧。”11 A Good Boy
Little Mike asked his mother for five cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”asked the mother.
“I give it to a poor old woman.”he answered.
“You’re a good boy,”said the mother proudly.“Here are five cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”好孩子
小麦克问妈妈要五分钱。“昨天给你的钱呢？”妈妈问道。“我给一个可怜的老太太了。”小麦克回答。“好孩子，”妈妈自豪地说，“再给你五分钱。但是为什么你对那个老太太这么感兴趣呢？”“她那儿卖糖。”12 Where Is the Father
Two sister were looking at some beautiful paintings.
“Look.”said the elder sister,“How nice these paintings are!”
“Yes,”said the younger,“but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?”
The elder sister thought for a moment and then explained,
“Obviously he was painting the pictures. ”爸爸在哪儿
姐妹俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”姐姐说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”妹妹说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
姐姐想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”13 I Just Showed Him
A week before his birthday, Mrs. Rose bought her son Paul a new bicycle and hid it in the shed.
“Now Nacy,”she said to his sister,“don’t go telling Paul about his present. ”
The next day, Paul said to his mother,“I like the new bicycle, mum!”
Mrs. Nacy was furious with Nacy. “I thought I told you not to tell him. ”she said.
“I didn’t, ”said Nacy. “I showed him. ”我只是让他看了看
罗丝太太在她的儿子保罗生日的前一个星期给他买了一辆新自行车，并把它藏在车棚里。“听着，南茜，”她对保罗的妹妹说，“别告诉保罗这件礼物的事儿。”
第二天，保罗对他妈妈说：“我非常喜欢这辆新自行车，妈。”
罗丝太太非常生气地对南茜说：“不是告诉你别跟他说这件事吗？”“我没有跟他说。”南茜说，“我只是让他看了看。”14 List Your Sins
Because the younger children at our parochial school often forget their sins when they entered our confessional, I suggested the teacher have our students make lists. The next week when one student came to the confession, I could hear him unfolding paper. The youngest began,“I lied to my parents, I disobeyed my mother, I fought with my brother and... ”There was a long pause. Then a small, angry voice said,“Hey, this isn’t my list！”列出你的过错
由于我们教区学校的孩子们在进入忏悔室的时候经常会忘掉自己的过错，我建议老师们让学生列个小条。第二周，当一个学生来到忏悔室的时候，我可以听见他打开纸条的声音。最小的孩子开始忏悔了：“我骗了我爸爸妈妈，我没听妈妈的话，我和哥哥打架了……”停了很长一段时间，我们听到他用很小却愤怒的声音：“嗨，这不是我的纸条！”15 God’s Creations
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked,“Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me.”the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,“Did God make me too?”
“Yes, he did.”the old man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up,“You know, Grandpa,”she said,“God’s doing a lot better job lately. ”上帝的创造
祖父和孙女坐在一起聊天，孙女问：“是上帝创造的你吗，爷爷？”“是的，上帝创造了我。”祖父答道。
几分钟后，小女孩又问他：“上帝也创造了我吗？”“是的，他也创造了你。”老人回答。
有好几分钟，小女孩看起来一直在研究她祖父，同时照着镜子自我欣赏。她祖父猜她小脑袋里在想些什么。
最后她说话了，“你知道吗，爷爷，”她说，“上帝最近的工作越做越好了。”16 Pregnant
I have always tried to be open and honest with my children whenever they came to me with questions, but seven‐year‐old Bobby caught me off guard one evening when he bounced in at dinner time and asked,“Mom, when you get married, does that make you pregnant?”
“No,”I answered,“getting married is not what make you pregnant.”
“Well,”he persisted,“how do you get pregnant then?”
Not wishing to get into such a serious discourse just before dinner, I ansewered,“Bobby, it’s a sort of a long story.”
With an impish look on his little face, he cocked his head and replied,“You don’t know, do you?”怀孕
孩子们问我问题时，我总是尽量坦诚相告。可是，有天晚上，七岁的鲍比把问住了。吃晚饭的时候，他跑回家来问道：“妈妈，你一结婚就会怀孕吗？”“不，”我回答道，“让人怀孕的不是结婚。”“那么你是怎么怀孕的呢？”
我不想在吃饭前谈论这么严肃的话题，于是就回答说：“鲍比，这不是一时半会儿能说清楚的。”
他脸上流露出调皮的神情，歪着头说：“其实你也不知道，是吗？”17 Two Cents a Glass
A boy was selling lemonade from two bowls on the same stand.In front of one bowl was sign“Five cents a glass.”In front of the second bowl was a sign“Two cents a glass.”
An old gentleman stopped, looked at the signs, and bought a glass of lemonade at two cents. He smacked his lips and ordered another. When he had finished, he asked,“How do you expect to sell any lemonade at five when you offer such a good drink for two cents?”
“Well, mister, it’s this way,”said the boy.“The cat fell in that two cents bowl about fifteen minutes ago, so I thought I’d better sell it out fast before the news spread too far.”两分一杯
一个男孩在同一个售货亭卖两碗不同价格的柠檬汁。第一个碗上写着“五分一杯”。第二个碗上写着“两分一杯”。
一个老绅士停下来，看了看两个标签，买了一杯两分钱的柠檬汁。他咂咂嘴唇又要了一杯。喝完后，他问道：“你怎么能奢望在两分钱一杯这么好喝的情况下卖出那些五分钱一杯的柠檬汁呢？”“哦，先生，是这样，”男孩说，“有只猫在一刻钟前掉进了盛着两分钱柠檬汁的那个盒里，所以我想在消息传开之前尽快把它卖完。”18 Little Rock Buys the Bread
Little Rock arrived at the bakery vivaciously and asked,“Boss, do you have 100 small breads?”
Boss answered,“I’m sorry really that I haven’t so many breads. ”
“Like this...”Little Rock walked dejectedly.
The second day, Little Rock arrived at the bakery vivaciously,“Do you have 100 small breads?”
Boss answered,“Sorry. I haven’t so many bread. ”
“Like this... ”Little Rock dejectedly walked.
The third day, Little Rock arrived at the bakery vivaciously,“Do you have 100 small breads?”
Boss said happily,“OK, OK, today we had 100 small breads!”
Little Rock pulls out money,“That’s great, I buy three!”小洛克买面包
小洛克兴冲冲地跑到面包店问道：“老板，你们有一百个小面包吗？”
老板说：“真是抱歉，我们没有那么多。”“这样啊……”小洛克沮丧地走了。
第二天，小洛克又兴冲冲地来到面包店：“老板，你们有一百个小面包吗？”
老板说：“对不起啊，我们没有那么多。”“这样啊……”小洛克沮丧地走了。
第三天，小洛克又兴冲冲地来到面包店：“老板，有一百个小面包吗？”
老板高兴地说：“有，有，今天有一百个面包。”
小洛克一点点掏出钱来说道：“太好了，我要买三个！”19 The New Baby
Mr. and Mrs. John had a six‐year‐old boy named tom. Now Mrs. John was expecting another child.
Tom had seen babies in other people’s houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house, too.
One evening Mr. and Mrs. John were making plans for the baby’s arriva arrival.“This house won’t be big enough for us all when the baby comes. ”
Tom came into the room just then and said,“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we’ll have to move to another house now, because the new baby’s coming. ”his mother answered.
“It’s no use. ”said Tom hopelessly,“He’ll follow us there. ”新宝宝
约翰夫妇有一个六岁的儿子，名叫汤姆。现在约翰太太正怀着第二胎。
汤姆在别人家看见过小宝宝，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个小宝宝的消息感到不悦。
一天，约翰夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降临做安排。约翰先生说：“有了小宝宝，我们的房子就太小了，不够住了。”
汤姆恰好在这个时候走进来，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们得搬家了，因为小宝宝就要来了。“那有什么用？”汤姆绝望地说，“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”20 An Artist’s Daughter
An artist had a small daughter, sometimes he painted woman without any clothes on, and he and his wife always tried to keep the small girl out when he was doing this.“She is too young to understand.”they said.
But one day, when the artist was painting a woman without clothes on, he forgot to lock the door, and the little girl suddenly ran into the room. Her mother ran up the stairs after her, but when she got to the top, the little girl was already in the room and looking at the woman. Both her parents waited for her to speak.
For a few seconds the little girl said nothing, but then she ran to her mother and said angrily,“Why do you let her go about without shoes on while you don’t let me?”画家的女儿
一位艺术家有个小女儿，有时候他画一些裸体的女人，当他画这些的时候，他和妻子总是让小女孩回避。“她还太小，不能理解这些。”他们说。
但是有一天，当这个艺术家在画一个裸体女人的时候忘记锁门了，这个小女孩突然跑进了房间。她妈妈跟着她一起跑上了楼，但是当她妈妈爬到顶层时，小女孩已经在房间里并且看到那个女人了。小女孩父母都在等着她说些什么。
过了一阵子，这个小女孩也没说什么，但是随后她跑到她妈妈面前生气地说：“为什么她能不穿鞋和袜子就到处乱走我却不能？”21 Lucky Mother
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said,“When l was a small girl like you, Kelly, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam. ”
Kelly looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly,“Aren’t you pleased that you’ve come to live with us now?”幸运的母亲
一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安顿幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给了女儿一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要在面包上涂一些果酱。
母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道：“凯莉，当我像你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱。从来没有在面包上既加黄油又加果酱。”
凯莉看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？”22 Why Does It Rain on the Road Too
A small boy and his father were having a walk in the country when it suddenly began to rain very hard. They did not have their umbrellas with them, and there was nowhere to hide from the rain, so they were soon very wet, and the small boy did not feel very happy.
For a long time while they were walking home through the rain, the boy was thinking. Then at last he turned to his father and said to him,“Why does it rain, father? It isn’t very nice, is it?”
“No, it isn’t very nice, but it’s very useful, Tom,”answered his father,“It rains to make the fruit and the vegetables grow for us, and to make the grass grow for the cows and sheep. ”
Tom thought about this for a few seconds, and then he said,“Then, why does it rain on the road too, father?”雨为什么也要下在路上呢
一个小男孩和他的爸爸正在乡间散步，这时天突然下起倾盆大雨。他们没有带伞，也没有地方躲雨，他们因此很快就被淋成了落汤鸡。于是，小男孩不大高兴了。
他们冒雨回家时，小男孩沉思了好一会儿。最后，他转身对他爸爸说：“为什么要下雨呢，爸爸？这太扫兴了，对吧？”“是的，是很扫兴，但是汤姆，下雨很有用啊。”他父亲回答，“下雨利于水果蔬菜的生长，能为我们提供食物；下雨也利于牧草的生长，能为牛羊提供饲料啊。”
汤姆想了几秒钟，然后他说道：“那么爸爸，雨为什么也要下在路上呢？”23 She Wants to Keep Them
A busy mother asked her young son to take his baby sister out into the garden and look after her for half an hour while she was doing some work in the house.
The boy took the baby out, and they seemed to be playing quite happily when suddenly the mother heard the baby begin to cry, so she shouted to her son,“Bert, what’s he matter with Iris? Why’s she crying?”
“Because she wants my marbles. ”answered Bert.
“Well, let her play with a few of them if it will stop her crying,”said the mother patiently,“I must finish this work, and she’d be in my way in here. ”
“But she wants to keep them!”answered Bert.
“No, she doesn’t!”the mother said,“She’s only a baby. She’s too young to understand anything like that. ”
“But I know that she wants to keep them.”answered Bert,“She’s already swallowed two of them!”她想占有它们
一个忙碌的母亲让年幼的儿子带着他的小妹妹去花园里玩半个小时，好让她在家里做些事情。
男孩带着小妹妹出去了，他们似乎玩得十分高兴，这时，母亲突然听到婴儿的哭声，于是她大声向儿子问道：“伯特，艾丽丝怎么了？她为什么哭啊？”“因为她想要我的弹珠。”伯特回答道。“哦，只要能让她不哭，就给她几颗玩吧。”母亲耐心地说道，“我得把事情干完，如果她在这里的话会妨碍我的。”“但她想占有它们！”伯特回答。“不，她不会的！”母亲说，“她太小了还不懂那种事情。”“可我知道她想占有它们。”伯特回答，“她都已经把两颗给吞下去了！”24 Whose Baby Is It
Carol and Susan were great friends. They were in the same class at school, and they often visited each other’s homes at weekends.
When they were both eight years old, Carol’s mother had a baby. Carol was overjoyed to have a little sister and was always talking about her to Susan, who had no brothers or sisters.
At first Susan was interested in the new baby, but after some time she began to get rather discontented with Carol’s continual talking about it. She felt a little jealous.
One morning when the two girls were in the school playground, Carol said to Susan cheerfully,“Do you know, Sue, my baby sister gained nearly two hundred grams in weight this week. ”
“That’s not very nuch.”answered Susan,“I know a baby that gains five kilograms a day.”
“Oh, that can’t be true！”answered Carol scornfully. “Whose baby is it?”
“An elephant’s. ”said Susan.谁的宝宝
卡罗尔和苏珊是非常要好的朋友，她们在同一个班，周末她们经常去对方家里玩。
当她们俩都八岁的时候，卡罗尔的妈妈生了一个小孩。卡罗尔对于有了个小妹妹这件事高兴异常，并且总是和没有弟弟妹妹的苏珊讲起她。
刚开始苏珊对这个小宝宝还很感兴趣，但是，过了一段时间后，她开始对卡罗尔没完没了地谈论不满意了，她甚至有点嫉妒。
一天早上，两个女孩在操场上的时候，卡罗尔高兴地对苏珊说，“你知道么，苏，我的小妹妹这一周体重长了将近两百克。”“这不是很了不起嘛。”苏珊回答，“我知道一个小宝宝一天长了五千克。”“噢，这不可能！”卡罗尔轻蔑地说，“那是谁的孩子？”“大象的。”苏珊回答。25 Jesus Is in the Bathroom
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class,“Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said,“He’s in Heaven. ”
Mary was called on and answered,“He’s in my heart. ”
little Bill, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,“I know! I know! He is in our bathroom.”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a very long second. He finally gathered his wits and asked little Bill how he knew this.
And little Bill said,“Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,‘Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?’”耶稣在卫生间里
由于多次强调圣诞节是上帝的生日，一所主日学校的老师担心孩子们会弄不清楚上帝是谁。为了证实孩子们明白上帝出生在很久以前，他问孩子们：“上帝今天在哪里？”
史蒂文举手回答道：“他在天堂里。”
老师叫到玛丽，玛丽回答道：“他在我的心里。”
小比尔拼命地挥手，迫不及待地回答老师提出的问题：“我知道，我知道，他在我们家的卫生间里。”
全班的学生都安静下来，望着老师，期待着他的回答。老师很长时间都没回过神来，最后才定了定神，问小比尔是怎么知道的。
小比尔说：“哦，每天早晨，爸爸起床都一边敲卫生间的门，一边喊道：‘上帝啊！你还在里面吗？’”26 Big TroubIe
A couple had two little boys aged seven and nine, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys’mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her seven‐year‐old boy first in the morning, with the older one to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,“Where is God?”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed,“Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet. slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,“What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,“We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!”麻烦大了
一对夫妇有两个小男孩，一个七岁一个九岁，都很调皮，总是惹事生非。如果镇上发生了什么恶作剧，这对夫妇就知道多半是他们的孩子干的。
孩子的母亲听说镇上有一个牧师在教育孩子方面很有一套，于是她便问他是否愿意和她的孩子谈谈。牧师同意了，并要求单独见每一个孩子。于是，这位母亲上午先送她七岁的孩子去，下午再送年长的那个去。
高大的牧师坐在年幼的孩子面前，用低沉有力的声音严肃地问道：“上帝在哪儿？”
男孩并没有要回答的迹象。于是牧师提高了他的嗓门，伸出手指在男孩面前晃动，吼道：“上帝在哪儿？”
小男孩尖叫起来逃出房间。他直接冲回家，钻进衣橱里，“砰”地一声把门关上。他的哥哥在衣橱找到他问道：“发生什么事了？”
弟弟上气不接下气地回答道：“这次我们遇到大麻烦了！上帝不见了，他们认为是我们干的！”
第三章 名人趣谈
1 Before the FounderingOnce on a voyage, Duke Wellington encountered a storm in a boat on the verge of sinking. The captain hurried to Wellington’s cabin saying,“We’ll be doomed. ”
Wellington wanted to go to bed, so he said,“Okay, I don’t need to take off my shoes. ”沉船之前
一次在海上旅行，威灵顿公爵乘的小船遇上了风暴，濒临沉没。船长匆匆赶到威灵顿的包舱，说：“我们就要完蛋了。”
威灵顿正想上床睡觉，于是说道：“那好，我就用不着脱鞋了。”2 Hat
Andersen led a very simple life. He always wore the same old hat whenever he went out.
Once someone in the street laughed at him,“What’s that on your head? Can it be called a hat? ”
试读结束[说明：试读内容隐藏了图片]