大学课外英语(txt+pdf+epub+mobi电子书下载)

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大学课外英语试读：

(Active speakers in and out of the college English classroom)Unit 1 In the Oral Class

(口语课交际用语)1.The main problem in speaking English

(说英语的主要困难)T: What do you think is the main problem in speaking English?

你认为说英语的主要困难是什么?

S: I just don't know how to express myself.

我不知道该怎样表达。

T: You can't find the exact words to express your ideas?

找不到确切的字眼来表达自己的想法?

S: That's often the case.Sometimes I want to use some phrases we have learned, but I'm not sure about myself.

往往是这样，有时想用一些学过的词组，自己又没有把握。

T: In one word, you lack practice in oral English. It's quite common among the students. That's why we have oral English class.

一句话，缺乏训练，这在中学生中很普遍，所以我们要开口语课。

2. The English corner(英语角)

T: Do you often go to the English corner?

你常去英语角吗?

S: Not very often, but sometimes.

不经常去，但有时候去。

S: Many universities and colleges have such regular activity on Friday evening.

许多大学生都在周五晚定时开办英语角。

T: No organizer, no leader.Students would like to go there to practise their spoken English.

没有人组织，没有领导，学生们自觉地到那里去练习口语。

S: Betty, the American visiting teacher, gives us a lot of help.

英语教师贝蒂给我们很大帮助。

T: That's true.

确实是这样。

3.Extracurricular English activity

(英语课外活动)T: Can you give some ideas for practising English?

你对如何练习英语有什么想法?

S: As far as I know, the “Extracurricular English Activity" is a wide English World out of the classroom.

我觉得英语课活动是一个广阔的课外英语世界。

T: How many students are involved in this activity?

有多少同学参与这一活动?

S: About half.

大约一半。

T: All practical activities require conscious effort.

实践活动都是要自觉的。

S: Sometimes we would remain in the classroom after the oral English class.

有时上完口语课，我们还留在教室里。

T: For what?

干什么呢?

S: For an happy hour of English conversation with classmates.

同学们兴奋地在教室里用英语聊天。

T: That's great!

太棒了!

4.Open our mouths(开口说话)

T: Have you any good way to push our oral English forward?

你有什么好办法使我们的口语提高一步?

S: I think first of all we must open our mouths.

我认为首先必须开口说话。

T: What shall we do if someone keeps silence?

如果有人沉默不说话怎么办?

S: We may turn to pair work or group talk.

可以开展双人对话或小组讨论。

T: What if he's still speechless in a small group?

如果在小组里他还不说呢?

S: Don't press him too hard. Let him be free.

不要强迫他。让他自便。

5.Speaking English in the dorm

(在宿舍说英语)T: Have you got in the habit speaking English with your roommates in the evening?

你们养成晚上在宿舍说英语的习惯了吗?

S: No,it's not interesting at all.

没有，一点意思都没有。

T: You've tried it?

你们试过了?

S: Yes, but our talk can last no longer than one or two minutes.

试过了。一次最多只能说一、两分钟。

T: Why?

为什么?

S: We are often stuck after 2 or 3 sentences.

说两三句就卡住了。

T: But you may help each other and even with the help of the dictionary.

但你们可以互相帮助，甚至借助字典。

S: That's a great trouble.

太麻烦了。

T: You should go ahead in spite of all the trouble.

不要怕麻烦，要坚持说。

6.Keep to the subject!(不要跑题!)

T: I think you are straying form the topic.

我看你们谈的有点离题了吧。

S: In fact we are talking around the subject.Only that we want to get things deeper, so our conversation sounds a bit far away from the topic.

实际上我们是围绕主题谈论的，只是我们希望深入探讨，因此我们的讨论听起来有点跑题。

T: That's all right as long as you keep speaking English.Go on,please.

那好。只要你们坚持讲英语，继续谈吧。

7.Avoid Chinglish in the speech!

(尽量不讲汉式英语!)T: What should we do to avoid Chinglish in our speech?

我们该如何避免讲汉式英语?

S: We have to listen to English more often and do more outside reading in English. So we can get to know what is the English way of saying things.

我们要常听英语，增加课外阅读，以熟悉英语的表达方式。

T: That's right.Memorizing some English essays and articles would also help.In this way we would gradually stop thinking in Chinese.

对。背诵一些英语文章也很有帮助，这样我们可以逐步放弃用汉语思考的习惯。Unit 2 In the Listening class

(听力课交际用语)1. Listening to the radio(听广播)

T: Do you listen to Radio Beijing?

你听Radio Beijing吗?

S: I prefer VOA or BBC.

不听。我愿意听美国之音和BBC。

T: Why?

为什么?

S: VOA and BBC offer idiomatic English programs.I like Special English of VOA.

美国之音和BBC是地道的英语节目。我喜欢美国之音的特别英语节目。

T: It's not standard English. It's slower.

那不是标准英语语速，说得较慢。

S: Especially the news report.

特别是新闻节目。

2.TV English program

(电视英语节目)T: Do you like TV English Program?

你喜欢电视英语节目吗?

S: Yes.I enjoy it.I think it can both entertain and educate the viewers.

喜欢。我想它既能为人们提供娱乐又能起到教育作用。

T: What are your favorite programs?

你最喜欢哪些节目?

S: I like “The Discovery" very much. It is on at about 12:30 at noon.I enjoy the TV serials U.F.O.and I learn so much from it.

我很喜欢“The Discovery”栏目，大约中午12：30 播出。我爱看“飞碟”(不明飞行物)系列片，从中受益不小。

T: So you are much interested in science.

这么说你对科技很感兴趣。

S: That's true.

是的。

3. How long do you listen to English every day?

(每天用多长时间听英语?)T:How long do you listen to English every day?

你每天用多长时间听英语?

S: It just depends.

这得看情况。

T: Why not have a plan and listen to English regularly?

为什么没有计划，每天定时听呢?

S: I usually listen to English programs in the morning, but sometimes I'm carried away by music or other programs over the radio.

我通常早上听英语，但有时打开收音机，被音乐或其它节目迷住了。

T: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. You may enjoy music in your leisure time.

噢，很遗憾。你可以在闲暇时间听音乐。

S: Yes. I should try to be strict with myself.

是的。我应当严格要求自己。

4. Why are you disappointed?

(为什么失望)T: Why are you so disappointed?

为什么这么失望啊?

S: I listened to the second paragraph many times.But I just couldn't catch one word in the beginning sentence...a letter of what?

第二段我听了好几遍，开头句的一个词怎么也听不清楚。……一封什么信?

T: Don't lose heart. A letter of complaint.

别灰心。A letter of complaint.

S: Complaint? I seem to know the word,but I forget the Chinese for it.

我好像知道这个词，但想不起来中文意思。

T: When you are not satisfied with somthing, you would complain.

当你对某些事物不满意时，就要投拆。

S: Yes, I remember now. Thank you.

啊，我想起来了。谢谢。

5. Some reforms on the listening class

(听力课的改革)T: Can we carry on some reforms on the listening class?

听力课能进行一些改革吗?

S: Yes. I think so. But how?

能。但怎么改革呢?

T: Our English class is still traditional.Most students prefer listening to the teacher.

我们的听力课还是传统式的。大部分同学就愿意听老师讲。

S: We listen to the tape attentively and can only make out half of it.So we like to listen to you explaining everything.

我们专心地听着录音，也只能听懂一半，所以愿意听老师逐句解释。

T: You pay too much attention to individual words and expressions. In fact what matters a lot is the content and the ideas of the material. How about group work in which you may talk to each other about what you hear? Help from your classmates is just as important as that from the teacher.

你们过多地注重单个的词和词组，事实上重要的是内容。小组讨论怎么样?在小组里你们可以就听到的内容互相交谈。同学之间的互相启发与来自老师的帮助同等重要。

S: We know that.Let's work together and try our best.

这一点我们也知道，让我们共同努力吧。

6. Don't get absent-minded! (别走神!)

T: Concentrate yourself on the recording.

集中精力听录音。

S: I've tried my best to do so,but if I meet some new words, I'll get absent-minded.

我尽量注意听，但遇到生词就走神。

T: Sometimes it is not the new words that hinder your hearing. It might be the vowel sounds which are given different pronunciations by different speakers in this passage, so you must be patient and judge by yourself according to the context.

有时不一定是生词妨碍你的听力，在这段材料中可能是不同的讲话者对一些元音的发音不同。这会使你受影响，你必须耐心听，根据上下文判断。Unit 3 Everyday life at school

(学校日常生活用语)1 In front of the buildings

(在教学楼前)A: What are these buildings?

这些建筑是做什么用的?

B: They're student dormitories.

是学生宿舍。

A: What's that tall building over there?

那边那座高楼是做什么用的?

B: It's the school library. It's new, isn't it?

那是学校图书馆。它很新，不是吗?

A: Fairly!

相当新了!

B: Where's the school clinic?

学校诊所在哪儿?

A: It's just behind the library.

就在图书馆后面。

B: Is that building the lecture hall?

那座建筑是讲座厅吗?

A: Yes, it is.

是的。

2 Meeting on the campus(校园相遇)

A: Can I help you with your luggage?

我来帮你拿行李吧。

B: Thanks a lot.Can you take me to Building No. Four? I'm told my room is there.

多谢。你能带我去4号楼吗?我的房间在那儿。

A: So you're a new student. Come with me.I'll show you the way.

那么你是一名新学生了。跟我来，我给你带路。

B: Thank you very much.

非常感谢。

3 Meeting a friend on the campus

(老朋友校园相遇)A: Hello! Li Hua. How are you?

嗨!李华。你好吗?

B: Hi! What a surprise! I haven't seen you for ages, and how are you?

嗨!真没想到会是你!好久没见你了，你好吗?

A: Just as usual, thank you.You look great today! How's everything with you?

还行，谢谢。你今天显得特别精神。一切可好啊!

B: Pretty good. Glad to see you again. You are looking terrific in that jacket.

还不错。见到你太好了!你穿上那件茄克衫帅极了。

A: Really? Good God! You've become a chatterbor!

真的?天呀!你已经成了话匣子了!

B: Far from it.By the way,where are you going?

过奖了。顺便问一下，你要去哪儿?

A: I'm going to the computer center. What about you?

我要去计算机中心。你呢?

B: Good, I'm heading for the post office, then for the computer center. See you later.

我要去邮局，然后去计算机中心。回头见!

A: Good, I'll see you there.

好的，在那儿见。

4 Talking about study (谈论学习)

A: How are you getting along with your studies?

你的学习怎么样?

B: Not very well!

不太好!

A: Why do you say so?

怎么呢?

B: I've not got used to the way of teaching and learning at the university.

我还没有习惯大学里的教学方法。

A: What do you mean by saying that?

此话怎讲?

B: At middle school, the teachers talked all the time.We just took notes, tried to memorize the books, and got high marks.But here in the university, there are so many discussions,experiments and papers.

中学时老师只管讲，我们只做笔记，努力背书，得高分。可在大学里，有这么多的讨论、实验和论文。

A: There's some truch to that.

是这样的!

B: And everyone seems only to mind one's own business.After class, I can't find either my professors or classmates, so sometimes I even got homesick.

每个人似乎只管自己的事，课后老师和同学很难找到。所以有时我甚至想家。

A: Oh, that's the college life. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

哦，这就是大学生活。入乡随俗吧!

5 Encouragement(鼓励)

A: It seems that I haven't a gift for languages. I simply can't learn English!

我好像没有语言天赋，根本就学不了英语!

B: Why do you say so? I think you've made a lot of progress.

怎么那么说呢? 你已经进步不小了。

A: No,I've not. I have tried a lot but I still can't speak it well. How do you pick it up so quickly and easily?

我没什么进步。试了又试，还是讲不好。你怎么学得又快又轻松呢?

B: Learning any language takes a lot of effort.But don't give up.We need to brush it up a bit every day. Why don't we practise those dialogues together?

学任何语言都要付了出巨大努力，但不要放弃。需要我们每天温习。我们为什么不在一起练练那些对话呢?

A: Good idea! That just might help.

好主意! 这样也许会有帮助。

6 Talking about college(谈论学校)

A: I'm thinking about transferring out of this college into another one.

我想转到另一所学校。

B: How come? I thought you liked it here.

为什么?我原以为你喜欢这里。

A: I do. But our economic department doesn't give Master's degrees, only Bachelor's. I want a Master's.

我是喜欢这儿。但是这儿的经济系不授予硕士学位，只有学士学位，而我想要硕士学位。

B: What are you worrying about? Just ask your professors to write letters of recommendation for you and you'll be set.

你担心什么?让你们教授给你写几封推荐信不就行了吗。

A: Professor Li wrote a letter of recommendation for me and bought me a lot of books and some reference material that goes with them, so I owe a lot to him.

李教授给我写了一封推荐信，还为我买了许多书及配套的参考资料，我很感激他。

7 Studying abroad(谈论留学)

A: Do you want to study abroad?

你要出国留学?

B: Nothing tangible is in sight yet. I have just applied, and haven't heard anything yet.

八学还没一撇呢。我刚申请，还没什么消息。

A: What sort of formalities do you need to go through to study abroad?

出国留学都需要办些什么手续?

B: First you're got to take a foreign language test like the TOEFL or the GRE. If the score is good, then you can apply for a scholarship.

先考外语，比如TOEFL或GRE什么的。如果成绩好，你可以申请奖学金。

A: How about you?

你怎么样?

B: I got a 580 on the TOEFL this time. There's not much hope, and the GRE score hasn't come out yet. I've sent out several application letters, but I haven't got anything back.Are you planning to further your studies abroad?

这回我TOEFL才考了580分，看来希望不大，GRE成绩还没下来。我发了几封申请信，可连一封回信都没有。你也想出国深造吗?

A: Me to study abroad? When pigs fly?

我去留学?除非太阳从西边出来!

B: How come you haven't got any ambition?

你怎么这么没志气?

A: I do have. I am busy preparing for the examination for entering Qinghua University to work for the degree of Master of Science.And in there years I'll be the most famous professor's Ph.D. student.

我当然有志气。我正忙着准备考试进清华大学攻读理科硕士学位，3年之后我还会成为最有名的教授的博士生。

8 Borrowing books(借书)

A: I'd like to borrow these four books.

我想借这4本书。

B: Have you got your library card?

你带图书证了吗?

A: Yes, right here.

是的，在这儿。

B: You've already had five books out, so you can only take out one more.

你已借了5本，所以你只能再借1本。

A: Then I'll just take out this one.

那么我只借这本吧。

B: Okay, here's the book and your card.

好的，这是你的书和图书证。

A: Thanks. Bye.

谢谢。再见。

9 Returning an overdue book(归还过期书籍)

A: I'd like to return this book,please.

我想归还这本书。

B: It's overdue. It should have been returned last Friday.

它已经过期了，应该在上星期五还。

A: I'm sorry! Do I have to pay a fine?

对不起!我要缴付罚金吗?

B: You sure do. It's been overdue for nine days, so that's 90 cents.

当然要。它已过期9天，所以要付9角。

A: Here you go.

钱在这。

B: Thanks. Here's your change.

谢谢。这是找给你的钱。

10 I could eat a horse! (我饿极了!)

A: I'm starving! How about you?

我快要饿死了!你呢?

B: I'm pretty hungry, too.

我也相当饿。

A: Did you have your breakfast this morning?

今天早上你吃早饭了吗?

B: Yes. Steamed bread, rice porridge.

吃了。馒头，米粥。

A: You shouldn't feel hungry in that case.

那你不该再感觉饿了。

B: I don't know why. I just can't fill the hole.

我不知道为什么。我就是填不饱肚子。

A: You certainly have a good appetite.

你的食欲一定很好。

B: Did you have your breakfast?

你吃早饭了吗?

A: No. I got up at half past seven.When I dashed to the dining-hall, it had closed already.

没有。我七点半起床。当我冲进餐厅时，已经关门了。

B: So, it serves you right!

那活该!

A: You bad fellow. I'll teach you a lesson.

11 你这个坏小子。我要教训你一顿。

Who's it?(谁来了?)A: (Knocking at the door) May I come in?

(敲门声)我可以进来吗?

B: Yes, who is it? Come in,please.

是谁?请进!

A: Excuse me, is this Fang Hua's room?

打扰了，方华在这儿住吗?

B: Yes, but she is not in at the moment.

是的，可她这会儿不在。

A: Do you know where she is now?

你知道现在她在哪儿吗?

B: I'm not sure. Well,please take a seat. I'll try to find her for you. She can't be far at this hour of the day.

我不太清楚。请坐!我找找看。她这个时候不会走远。

A: Thank you. It's very kind of you.

谢谢。你太好了。

12 I can't sleep!(我睡不着!)

A: Why aren't you asleep yet?

怎么还不睡呀?

B: I can't sleep. Will you talk with me?

睡不着。愿意陪我聊聊吗?

A: Of course.I guess you've got something on your mind.

当然，猜想你一定有心事。

B: En...how to say...I want to Part with Li Na.

……怎么说呢。我打算和李娜分手。

A: Aren't things OK with you two? Everyone envies you.

你们俩不是挺好的吗?人家都羡慕你们。

B: You don't know; she's “looking for greener pastures" now.

你不知道，她现在是“这山望着那山高”。

A: What? You have belived the gossip spreading among some students recently? How silly you are! It seems true that if a lie is told a hundred times, it becomes truth.

什么?你真的相信最近的流言蜚语?你可真够傻!看来还真是这么回事，假话说上一百遍就成了真话。

B: That's really something making me worry and unhappy.

这件事真是让我担心，又不开心。

A: Don't worry over for nothing. I think you must have mistaken her. She is not such kind of a girl. Remember choosing a girlfriend by your eyes rather than by your ears. I should say LI Na is a true pal and good girl.

别自寻烦恼了。你一定是误解她了，她可不是那种女孩子。记住，找女朋友要用眼睛看不要听别人说。我应该说一句，李娜不仅够朋友，还是个好女孩。

13 Asking for a leave (捎假)

A: What's the matter with you,Fang Hua?

方华，你怎么了?

B: I'm not feeling very well. Will you please tell the teacher I won't be able to come to the class today?

我不舒服，你能告诉老师我今天不能去上课吗?

A: Oh, I'm sorry.(feeling his forehead lovingly) You're running a fever. How long have you been like that?

噢，是吗。(轻抚他的前额)你在发烧。你不舒服多久了?

B: It started yesterday.

昨天。

A: Have you seen a doctor?

看医生了吗?

B: Not yet.

还没有。

A: Is there anything I can do for you?

我能为你做些什么?

B: Not now, thank you.

现在不用，谢谢。

A: I'll certainly let the teacher know this, but be sure to take a good rest and drink a lot of hot water.

我肯定告诉老师，不过你一定要好好休息，多喝些热水。

B: Thank you. Bye!

谢谢你。再见!

14 Stand treat! (请客!)

A: Li Bin, you should treat us to some candy.

李斌，你应该请我们吃糖。

B: What's good for me?

我有什么好事?

A: Make a guess.

猜猜看!

B: I can't.

猜不出来。

A: Here is a letter for you from a university with letters in delicate hand.It must be a love letter. Oh, stand treat!

这儿有你的一封信，从一所大学来的。信封上的字体娟秀，一定是情书，请客!

B: Don't talk nonsense. It's from my sister.

别瞎说，这是我妹妹的来信。

A: What did she say?

她说什么了?

B: The same old stuff! Study hard, don't drink,don't smoke, a long list of do's and don'ts.

还不是老一套。努力学习呀、别喝酒啦、不要吸烟了，列了一大堆该做的和不该做的事情。

15 It's too hot! (天气真热!)

A: How come you're all sweaty? Have a seat and some tea.

你怎么一身汗? 快坐下喝口茶吧。

B: It's really so hot I could die. I never would have thought the summer here could be so hot.

真把我热死了。没想到这儿的夏天这么热。

A: This is the first summer since you have been hare at college, isn't it?

这是你入学以来在这里过的第一个夏天吧?

B: Yeah. This hot sticky weather makes me feel absolutely miserable. All that the fan blows is hot air, and everyday I just want to take a dunk in the pool.

是的，这种又热又粘的天气让我感觉十分不舒服。电扇吹出来的都是热风，每天只想泡在游泳池里。

A: It was said in the newspaper that we are having the highest temperatures in history this year.And the average temperature has already passed 38 degrees Celsius.

据上说今年是历史上气温最高的一年，平均气温已经超过38度了。

B: Oh, I must be going now. I am looking for Wang Gang.Where does he live? Am I on the right floor?

哦，我得去找王刚了。他在哪儿住?是在这层吗?

A: No,he lives on the fifth floor.You can take the stairs on the left up.

不，他在五楼住。你可以从左边的楼梯上去。

16 Going to hospital (去医院)

A: What's the matter with your foot?

你的脚怎么了?

B: I fell down the steps just now.

刚才我从楼梯上滑倒了。

A: Let me have a look.

让我看看。

B: Ouch! That hurts.

哎哟!好疼!

A: Would you let me to take you to the hospital? You might have broken a bone.

要我送你去医院吗?你可能骨折了。

B: It's very kind of you. But someone is getting a car for me. Thank you just the same.

你太好了。有人给我叫车了，谢谢你。

17 Have you been to see a doctor?

(你看医生了吗?)A: You look ill.

你看起来不很好。

B: I'm under the weather. I feel cold and tired.

我感觉不舒服，又累又冷。

A: You're running a temperature. Have you seen a docor?

你在发烧。看过医生了吗?

B: No. I just came back from the library.

没有。我刚从图书馆回来。

A: You'd better go and see a doctor at once. Shall I go with you to the clinic?

你最好马上去看医生。我跟你一起去诊所吧!

B: Won't that be too much bother?

那不是太麻烦你了吗?

A: No bother at all.

没关系。

18 Playing cards (打牌)

A: That's great! We've finally finished our mid-term examination. How happy we are!

太棒了!期中考试总算结束了。我们太幸福了!

B: Yes, that's really great! We can have 3 days for a rest and relax ourselves. What idea do you have in your mind?

是的，太美了!我们有3天时间休息。打算做点儿什么?

A: It's nearly half a year since we last played cards. Are you thinking we will ask several classmates to play cards the whole night?

我们已经有半年没打牌了。你想不想找几个人玩上一个通宵?

B: That's a good idea. So we can play cards this whole night and have a sound sleep tomorrow.

这是个好主意。今天晚上我们可以玩一个通宵，明天好好睡一觉。

A: Who do you have in mind?

你看叫谁好?

B: I think we'd better ask Wang Fei, Li Jiang, Ma Li and perhaps Zhang Jian.

我想最好叫王飞、李江、马力和张健。

A: That's pretty good combination. We are getting on well with cach other in everything. What do you want me to do?

这样的组合很好，我们几个人什么事情都能说到一起。我现在该做些什么?

A: Please tell them to come our dorm at 7:30 this evening. I'll arrange for it.

通知他们晚上七点半到咱们宿舍来。我做好安排。

B: OK, all right.

好的。

19 Swimming game(游泳比赛)

A: The competition is already started. There are many spectators in the stands.Let's hurry and cheer for them.

比赛开始了。看台上有这么多的观众。我们快点给他们回油去。

B: Look! What a beautiful stroke he swims! I haven't seen such a good swimmer for a long time.

快看，他游得多漂亮呀!我有好长时间没看到过游得这么好的人了。

A: That is our English teacher. He is excellent at swimming. He will, on behalf of this University, take Part in the National Sports Meet for the Middle and Old Aged People to be held in Beijing next month.

那是我们的英语老师，他游泳可棒了。下个月他将代表咱们学校参加在北京举行的中老年人全国运动会。

B: How great he is! I hear he can swim freestyle, sidestroke and breastsroke very well.

他可真了不起!我听说他自由泳、侧泳和蛙泳都游得非常好。

A: I hear some ice sports like skating and ice dancing and water-skiing are also included in the Sports Meet, aren't they?

据说全运会还没有像滑冰和冰上舞蹈这样的冰上运动及滑水运动，是吧?

B: Yes. There are a lot of items in small amount of exercise specially provided for the middle and old aged people, such as ball games,setting-up exercise to music, golf and so on.

是的。还有许多适合中老年人运动量小的项目，比如球类、广播体操、高尔夫球等。

A: There he comes. He is sure to win， for he keeps the lead all the time.In two or three minutes he will get to the finishing line.

老师游过来了!他一路领先，肯定拿第一。再有两三分钟就到终点了。

B: Shall we go over there to give him our congratulations?

咱们赶到那边去祝贺他吗?

A: Yes, sure. Let's go at once.

好，我们赶紧走。

20 After the ball game (球赛之后)

A: Did you watch the game last night?

你昨晚看球赛了吗?

B: I surely did. I wouldn't have missed it for anything!

当然看了。忘了什么也不能忘了球赛呀!

A: I think it is one of the best games I've ever seen.

我认为这是我看过的最精彩的比赛了。

B: Me,too. I think both teams played super ball. Too bad one had to lose.

我也这么看。我认为两个人都踢得相当好，可惜的是总有一方得输。

A: Yeah. I think they were evenly matched. It could have gone either way!

是呀。我认为双方水平相当，都有可能输或赢。

B: The shot that won in the last fifteen seconds was really something.

最后15秒时射进的那个球决定了胜负。

21 Sports meet(运动会)

A: Hurry up! Otherwise we'll be late for the opening ceremony.

快点!否则我们赶不上开幕式了。

B: Ok! Just a minute. I'm putting on my sports shoes.

好的，就一会儿。我穿上运动鞋。

A: What events are you in?

你有什么项目?

B: 100-meter dash, 110-meter hurdle, 800-meter run and 400-meter relay.

100米短跑、110米障碍、800米和400米接力。

A: I guess you are a very fast runner.

我看你一定跑得非常快。

B: I'm particularly fond of all kinds of races.

我的强项是各种径赛。

A: What's your record for 100-meter dash?

你的100米纪录是多少?

B: 11.3 seconds.

11秒3。

A: Ah! It reminds me that you broke the university record last year. Yor are great!

啊，我想起来了，去年你还打破了学校纪录，真了不起!

B: Thank you.

谢谢。

22 What do you think of disco?

(你怎样看待迪斯科?)A: What do you think of disco?

你怎样看待迪斯科?

B: It's more like sports than an art form.

这种舞与其说是一种艺术形式，倒不如说是一项体育运动。

A: It's still popular among many young people.

许多年轻人仍喜欢跳。

B: Yes, we also have disco parties on the campus.

是的，我们也有校园迪斯科舞会。

A: I think it's easy to organize, since the dance is only accompanied by recorded music.

我想这很容易组织，因为它只需要唱片伴奏。

B: That's true.

是这样。

23 Learning to play the guitar(学弹吉他)

A: I have started learning to play the guitar.

我开始学弹吉他了。

B: Are you taking lessons?

你在上吉他课吗?

A: Not regular lessons. Only that I've talked to people who play the guitar, and got the basic ideas.

没有正规上课，只是同会弹吉他的人聊过，懂得了一些初步概念。

B: Are you making progress?

弹得有进步了吗?

A: Yes, a lot.Two of my classmates play the guitar together with me.

当然有进步，进步还不小呢。我的两个同班同学跟我一起弹。

B: What sort of music do you like to play?

你喜欢弹什么曲子?

A: All sorts, nothing in particular,anything perhaps from Spanish,classical to jazz.

没有什么特别爱好，各种曲子都弹，西班牙的，古典的，以至于爵士乐，什么都喜欢。

24 Does TV attract you very much?

(电视是否非常吸引你?)A: What's on tonight? Who are in the leading roles?

今晚演什么?都谁演主角?

B: Stand by Me.《佳人有约》。

A: How do you like it?

你觉得怎样?

B: It was really a knock-out.

真过瘾。

A: Does TV attract you very much?

你很喜欢看电视吗?

B: Yes, I like to watch TV,but only when I am at home.

是的，我喜欢看电视，但只是回家的时候看。

A: Why?

为什么?

B: We have hardly any chance to watch TV on the campus.

在校园里几乎没有机会看电视。

A: You don't have TV rooms open to students?

你们学校没有向学生开放的电视室吗?

B: Yes, we have. But they are open only when there are some important events such as the Olympics, the Asian Games or the finals in the World Cup of Football.

我们有电视室，但只是当有重大事件时才对学生开放，比如奥运会、亚运会、或是世界杯足球决赛时。

25 At the birthday parth(在生日宴会上)

A: Come in, Li Lin. It's good to see you on my birthday.

李林，进来。真高兴在我生日时见到你。

B: It's good to see you, too. How are things with you?

我也很高兴。一切顺利吧?

A: Oh,fine. They are my friends Li Hua and Fang Yi. Li Hua studies at Tianjin University of Technologr; Fang Yi is from Nankai.

很好，他们是我的好朋友李华和方毅。李华在天津理工大学上学，方毅是南开大学的学生。

B: Hi, you two.

你们好。

A: Hi,Li Lin.

你好，李林。

B: I guess you've reserved this birthday table on the campus for this special occasion. Some students in my collegs also do the same.

我想你一定是为自己的生日预定了校园生日餐桌，我们学校一些同学也这样做。

A: It's nice to pass the good time with my friends in such a specially decorated room.

在布置别致的生日餐厅里与好朋友共度美好时光真是太好了。

26 The English speech contest(演讲比赛)

A: How did you like the English lecture contest by the first-year students?

你觉得一年级的英语演讲比赛怎么样?

B: Very good indeed!

相当不错!

A: Which did you like best?

你认为哪个最好?

B: Well, the second was good, and the last one was also interesting.And I especially liked the one with the title of “I want to fly." He's got such good pronunciation!

哦，第二个挺好的，最后一个也很有趣。我尤其喜欢那个题目为“我要飞翔”的。他的语音好极了。

A: Yes, he also got the highest scores from the judgements!

是的，评委们给了他最高分!

B: Our dean spoke highly of his beautiful pronunciation and intonation.

我们的系主任对他的语音语调给了很高评价!

A: It's really a kind of enjoyment to listen to his speech.

听他的演讲确实是一种享受。

27 Salon plan(沙龙计划)

A: What's up?

有什么新鲜的事吗?

B: Nothing much. What's new with you?

没有。你有什么新鲜的事儿吗?

A: Not too much.I've been pretty busy the whole day.

没什么。整天瞎忙。

B: Me too. It seems like all I do is eating and sleeping.

可不是嘛，整天好像除了吃就是睡。

A: You remember that thing you told me last week?

你还记得上个月你跟我说的那件事吗?

B: Which one? The one about the English salon?

什么事?是不是关于英语沙龙的事?

A: Yeah. That's the one. Listen, I've got a terrific idea about the whole project and we need to discuss it.

对，就是。我听我说，我对这个计划有个绝妙的主意，想和你商量商量。

B: Wonderful! I'd like to hear some of your ideas.

好极了!我很愿意听听你的想法。

28 I want to be a teacher(我想当老师)

A: Have you thought about what you'll do after you graduate from the university next year?

明年大学毕业后你打算做什么?

B: I think I'll probably go into teaching.It's what I've always wanted to do.But my parents hope I'll work in the office. I think it's too dull,though.

我想我多半会去教书，这是我一直想从事的职业。但是我父母希望我进机关工作，可我认为在机关工作太枯燥。

A: So you want to be a teacher?

所以你想当老师?

B: Yeah. Being a teacher, I'll have a happy and rewarding life.And I think being surrounded by young people may help to keep me young.

对，当老师，我的生活会过得快乐，富有成果。跟年轻人在一起，我也永葆青春。

29 Sightseeing in Beijing(到北京观光)

A: Hello, it's my first time in Beijing. What would you advise me to see here?

你好，这是我第一次来北京。你看我在这儿游览些什么地方好?

B: Well, you know Beijing was the capital of many dynasties,so it is an ancient city and has many historic interests, such as the Great Wall, the Summer Palace, the Forbidden City, the Temple of Heaven....

你知道北京是很多朝代的首都，所以它是一座古城，有很多的历史古迹。像长城，颐和园，紫禁城，天坛……

A: But I'm going to stay here only for two days.

但是我只打算在这里呆两天。

B: I'm afraid two days isn't enough for you to see all the places of interest.

恐怕两天的时间不够你游览的所有的名胜古迹。

A: What shall I do then?

那我怎么办呢?

B: If I were you, the Great Wall would be my first choice. As the Chinese saying goes, “you're not a true man until you get to the Great Wall."

哪果我是你，长城是我第一个要观光的古迹。中国有句俗话：“不到长城非好汉。”

A: It's really worth seeing. By the way, I'd like to buy some souvenirs.

这确实值得一看。另外，我想买些纪念品。

B: You needn't worry about it. There are many stores at the scenic spots. I'm sure you can get what you want.

别担心，风景区有很多商店。我保证能买到你需要的纪念品。

30 Planning a picnic(野餐计划)

A: We haven't gone on a picnic for ages. How about going on a picnic this weekend?

我们好久没去野餐了。这个周末去野餐怎么样?

B: Sounds like a good idea. Where shall we go? A park or the countryside?

真是个好主意。我们去哪儿?公园还是乡下?

A: Well, the countryside is my favorite. The scene is beautiful there and the air is fresh. Maybe we can find a stream and have a real picnic there.

我喜欢去乡下。那儿风景优美，空气新鲜。也许我们能找到一条小溪，在那儿进行一次真正的野餐。

B: So, I'll prepare the food and you'll arrange the transportation.

好，我准备食品，你安排行程。

31 What can I do for you?(你要买点什么?)

A: What can I do for you?

您要点什么?

B: I'm trying to find a blue sports coat of size 48.Do you have any?

我想买一件48码的蓝色运动衣。有没有?

A: Sorry, we do have the color but not the size.This size is rare.

抱歉，这个颜色的有，但没这个尺码的。这种尺码的很少。

B: Are you likely to be getting any more in?

最近还进货吗?

A: I'm not sure.

说不准。

B: Can you order me one?

你们能帮我订做吗?

A: Sure.

当然可以。

B: How much is it if you order me one?

订做多少钱?

A: About 250 yuan. Would you mind leaving your phone number.I'll ring you when it is made.

大约250元。请留个电话号码，做好之后我给您打电话。

B: All right, thank you.

好的，谢谢。

32 I've passed CET Band 4

(我已过了英语四级)A: Have a seat,please. I'm the personnel manager.I've read your application form and resume. I know you are twenty-two years old and graduated from Nankai University. Your major is electronics?

请坐，我是人事部经理。我已看了你的申请表和简历，知道你22岁，毕业于南开大学。你的专业是电子学?

B: Yeah, I have answered every question in the form.

是的，申请表中的所有问题我都回答了。

A: We need one with a good command of English, because our company is a British one. How's your English?

我们需要一位英语较好的人，因为我们公司是一家英国公司。你的英语好不好?

B: I believe my English is good enough for me to work in your company. I've passed CET Band 4.

我想我的英语在贵公司工作没问题。我已经通过了大学英语四级考试。

A: That's good. Then please get ready for an English interview with the department manager.

这很好。那么就请准备参加部门经理对你进行的英语口试吧。

B: When am I supposed to come?

我什么时候来?

A: We'll inform you of the exact date.

具体时间另行通知。

33 Summer job(暑期工作)

A: May I talk to the personnel supervisor?

我能与人事主管谈谈吗?

B: It's me. What can I do for you?

我就是。你有什么事吗?

A: I'm here for the job advertised in yesterday's newspaper.

我来应聘昨天报上登的工作。

B: You look like a student. Am I right?

你看起来像个学生，对吧?

A: You are right. I am in my summer vacation,and I hope to get a job to earn some money.

是的。我正在过暑假，在这段时间里，我希望能找到一份工作挣点钱。

B: As a tourist guide, you must be very fluent in English. Have you done that kind of job before?

作为导游，你的英语口语必须非常流利。你以前做过导游吗?

A: Yes, I have. I served as a tourist guide for Beijing International Travel Service last summer.

做过。去年夏天我曾经为北京国际旅行社做过导游。

B: So you conducted tours for foreign tourists?

那么你是负责外国游客的观光游览了?

A: Yes, we had tours around Beijing and to many other places of historical interest and scenic spots. And we all had a good time.

是的，我们领他们游览了整个北京市，还去了其它一些地方的名胜古迹。大家都玩得很开心。

B: I noticed your pronunciation and intonation are excellent. We will take you on. If it is convenient for you, come and work tomorrow.

我注意到你的语音语调都很棒，我们决定录用你。如果方便的话，明天就过来上班。

A: Thank you very much.

谢谢。

B: By the way, what pay do you expect?

哦，你希望多少薪水?

A: Since I am a student and inexperienced, I can't say.

我还是个学生，没有经验，不好说。

B: OK. I am sure it will be fair for you.

好吧，我保证我们会给你一个公正的数目。

34 We need a secretary(我们需要一个秘书)

A: I went over your application form yesterday. There're a few more point I'd like to know. Would you mind answering a few questions?

我昨天看了你的申请表。还有几点我想搞清楚。问你几个问题，不介意吧?

B: Of course not.

当然可以。

A: We need a secretary. Can you tell me what qualifications a secretary should possess?

我们需要一名秘书，你知道秘书应具备什么资格吗?

B: I think a secretary should possess the abilities to trep and take short hand. I'm good at taking short hand, but I can't type fast. If I keep practising for several days, I can improve my typing speed.

我想秘书应会打字和速记，我会速记但字打得不快，但若是坚持练几天，我的打字速度就能提高。

A: Our firm does business with foreign companies. How about your English?

我们公司与外国公司做生意，你的英语怎么样?

B: I can speak and write good English, for I've learned it for the years,ever since I was a middle school student.

我的英语说和写都很好，我已经学了10年的英语，从一上中学就开始学。

A: Do you know other languages?

会别的语言吗?

B: I know a little Japanese. I began to learn it six months ago.

懂一点日语，6个月前开始学的。

A: If you work in our company, you have to use the computer everyday. We need one who has good knowledge not only in languages, but also in computer.

在我们公司里工作，每天你都要使用计算机。我们所需要的人不仅要熟练地掌握语言，而且还要熟悉计算机。

B: I'm surely qualified for this job.

我确实有此资格。

A: By the way, do you have a two-inch picture?

顺便问一下，你有两寸的照片吗?

B: I'll bring it here this afternoon together with my resume.

今天下午和我的简历一起送来。

35 Any vacancy now?(有职位空缺吗?)

A: Sorry, may I interrupt you? I have just graduated from college. Do you have any vacancy now?

对不起，可以打扰一下吗?我刚大学毕业，你们现在有职位空缺吗?

B: Yes, we have a vacancy for a computer operator. Can you tell me what your major is?

是的，我们有一个计算机操作员的空缺。你是学什么专业的?

A: My major is software design. I have great knowledge in A Series MCP architecture, concept and operation.

我的专业是软件设计，我熟悉A系列MCP结构、概念和操作。

B: Do you have any working experiences?

你有过工作的经历吗?

A: I have worked part-time in several companies when I was a student. I once worked as a computer programmer and I also have two years of experience in A Series MCP.

我上学时在几个公司里兼过职，曾做过编程员，有两年使用A系列MCP结构的工作经验。

B: We are satisfied with your experience. You will become one in our staff soon.

我们对你的经历很满意。你很快便会成为我们的一名员工。

A: I am very glad to hear that.

听到这话，我很高兴。

B: Here is an application form for you to fill out. Bring it back tomorrow with 3 one-inch photos.

这儿有一份申请表填一下，明天连同3张一寸的照片一起交来。

36 Join a small company(到小公司工作)

A: I'm here to apply for the position on your vacancy board.Are you the managers?

我到这来是应聘招工广告上的儿作。您是经理吗?

B: Yes, I am. Can you give me a description about yourself?

是的。你能讲讲你的经历吗?

A: I've just got my BS degree. I worked as a part-time salesman, and then I worded in a trading company.

我刚获得理学士学位。我做过兼职推销员，后来又在一家贸易公司工作。

B: How long did you work at each job?

每个工作你都做了多久?

A: As a salesman I worked for five months, and as a clerk I worked for one year.

我作过5个月的推销员，1年的职员。

B: What has made you decide to join our company? Our company is very small.

你为什么要选择在我们公司工作呢?我们只是个小公司呀。

A: I know that.Frankly speaking, I've been offered attractive jobs from some large corporations. But I believe I would have better chances with your small but growing company.

我知道这一点。坦率的讲，有几家大公司已经为我提供了诱人的工作，但我相信在你们这样虽小却在不断发展的公司干，会有更多的机会。

B: That sounds reasonable. Welcome to join us. Please report yourself in the personnel office at 8 o'clock on the morning of August I with all your credentials and resume.By the way, can you drive?

听起来很有道理。欢迎你到我们公司工作。请于8月1日早晨8点钟，带上你的简历和所有的证明材料到人事处报到。顺便问一下，你会开车吗?

A: Yes, I got a license two years ago.

会，两年前我就拿了驾照。Part 2 Learn English with joy

开心英语1 A True Story from WorkPerfect Employee

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfeet Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

“Yes,well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

“What sort of trouble?"

“Well,I was just typing along,and all of a sudden the words went away."

“Went away?"

“They disappeared."

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

“Nothing."

“Nothing?"

“It's blank; it won't accept anything that I type."

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

“How do I tell?"

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

“What's a sea-prompt?"

“Never mind.Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

“There isn't any cursor: I told you,it won't accept anything that I type."

“Does your monitor have a power indecator?"

“What's a monitor?"

“It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

“I don't know."

“Well, then look at the back of that monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

“Yes,I think so."

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

“Yes, it is."

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,not just one?"

“No."

“Well, there are.I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

“Okay, here it is."

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your crmputer."

“I can't reach."

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

“No."

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

“Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle—it's because it's dark."

“Dark?"

“Yes—the office light is off,and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

“Well, turn on the office light then."

“I can't."

“No? Why not?"

“Because there is a power outage."

“A power...A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

“Well,yes, I keep them in the closet."

“Good! Go get them,and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

“Really? Is it that bad?"

“Yes, I'm afraid it is."

“Well,all right then, I suppose.What do I tell them?"

“Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

技术服务员讲的真实故事

一个前WordPerfect客户支持工程师的对话实录：“我叫Ridge Hall，计算助理。有什么问题吗?”“有啊。用WordPerfect时出麻烦了。”“什么样的问题?”“唔，我正打着字，突然所有的字都跑掉了。”“跑掉了?”“它们不见了。”“呵，你的屏幕现在看起来是什么样子?”“什么也没有。”“什么也没有?”“空的。我敲什么它都不接受。”“你还在用WordPerfeet还是出来了?”“我怎么知道呢?”“你在屏幕上能看见‘C：’提示符吗?”“什么是‘Sea’提示符?”“算了。你可以在屏幕上移动光标吗?”“没什么光标。告诉你了，不接受任何打的字。”“你的显示器有电源指示吗?”“什么是显示器?”“就是屏幕所在的看起来像电视的东西。电源接上后它上面有一点小光点会亮。”“我不知道。”“好吧，那么看看显示器后面，找到通向电源的线。看到了吗?”“看到了。”“是有两根电线插在显示器上吗?不是只有一根。”“不是。”“该有两根的。请你回去再看看找到另外那根。”“找到了。在这儿。”“沿着它找到插头处，看是不是插牢了。”“我够不着。”“呵呵，好吧。你能看看它是否插好了吗?”“不能啊。”“不可以跪下来斜过身子去看吗?”“啊，不是角度问题。是太黑了。”“黑?”“是啊。办公室的灯全黑了。我只能借窗户的亮光。”“那么，打开办公室开关啊。”“不能啊。”“不能?为什么?”“因为停电了。”“停，停电?啊!好吧，问题搞清楚了。你还保存着装计算机的箱子和充填的东西吗?还有随机手册呀什么的?”“有哇，我放在橱子里了。”“好极了!把它们统统拿来，取下电线，把你的机子照运来时的样子装好，送回到店里去。”“真的?有那么糟糕吗?”“是啊，我想是糟透了。”“那么，好吧!我想只好这样了。我得怎么对店里解释呢?”“告诉他们你太笨了，不配有台计算机。”2 Microsoft's Answer

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipmnet.Due to the clouds and haze,the pilo could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building,flew toward it,circled,drew a handwritten sign,and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sigh said“WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window.

Their sign said“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled,waved,looked at his map, determined the course to steer to airport,and landed safely.After they were on the ground,the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded,“I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct,but completely useless answer."

微软的回答

一架直升机在西雅图附近飞行时，电路发故障，所有的那里导航及通信设备都不能工作。由于云层和冰雹，飞行员不能确定直升机的位置和飞往机场的路线。飞行员看到一所高高建筑物，就飞到它的上空盘旋，写了一条条幅，挂在直升机的舱外。条幅上大大的字写的是：“我在哪儿?”

大楼里的人迅速作了回答。他们将一条写着大字的条幅挂到大楼窗外，上面写着：“你在直升机上!”

飞行员微笑着挥手致意，从地图上确定了去机场的路线，并在那里安全降落。降落后，副驾驶员问他为什么“你在直升机上”这句话竟能帮助他确定所在位置?飞行员答道：“我知道那幢大楼必定是微软公司无疑。因为他们给我的是一个技术上完全正确，而实际毫无用处的回答。”3 Dropped a Piece of Candy

The show was on. It was a very exciting western with the hero fighting a group of horse thieves single-handed.Bullets were flying in every direction.

An elderly lady suddenly exclainmed,“Oh,my God!" and bent down right and left,felling the floor with her hands.“Excuse me...excuse...me" she kept repeating to the people sitting beside her.“Excuse me,please.“I've dropped a piece of candy I was chewing."

“A piece of candy!" grunted an irritated man in the seat next to her.“Why don't you sit still, granny. You certainly aren't going to pick it up and put it back in your mouth,are you?"

“Oh,no," replied the old lady firmly.

“Then why bother?" grumbled the impatient man.

“Because..." said the old lady as she continued to fumble in the dark,“...because my teeth are stuck in it!"

掉了一块糖

电影已经开演了，是一部激动人心的美国西部片，主人公正单枪马同一群窃马贼打斗，子弹到处飞着。

一位上了年纪的妇女突然叫起来说，“哎呀，我的上帝!”说着就弯下腰去，一会儿朝左，一会儿朝右，用手摸着地板。“对不起，对不起……”她不断地对坐在她身边的观众说。“实在对不起。我嘴里嚼的一块糖掉了。”“一块糖!”坐旁边坐位上一位被她惹气了的人不高兴地说。“您干么不好好地坐着。您总肯定不会把糖拣起来再吃到嘴里去吧?”“当然不会，”老太太坚定地说。“那为什么找这个麻烦?”那不耐烦的人嘟哝说。“因为……”老太太一边继续在黑暗中用手瞎摸，一边说。“……因为我的(假)牙齿粘在那糖上啦!”4 A Barking Dog Never Bites

A visitor from Japan went to see one of his American friends in the Los Angeles suburbs one day. When he came to the address, he found that it was a lovely white cottage surrounded by a fence.But as he reached the gate, he noticed a big sign in front of it,reading,“Beware of the dog." At almost the same time as he read this warning,he heard a growl, followed by ferocious barking,coming from behind the gate.Very much frightened,he backed away and started to run.

Just then a bystander, who had been watching him from a distance, called out to him:“Hey there! Don't be so afraid. There's really nothing to fear. You know the proverb,‘A barking dog never bites!’"

“Sure," replied the terrified visitor.“Sure, I Know the proverb—and you know the proverb—but does the dog know the proverb?"

大声叫的狗从来不咬人

有一天，一位从日本来的客人到洛杉机市郊区去拜访一位美国朋友。当他来到美国朋友的住址，他发现那是一座漂亮的白色小房子，周围有个篱笆。可是他走进大门的时候，他注意到上面有一块大牌子，上面写着“当心(恶)犬”，几乎就在看这个警告的时候，他听到门后传来咆哮声和一声凶猛的狗叫声。他吓坏了，吓得直朝后退，准备拔腿就跑。

正在此刻，一位在远处观察他的旁观者朝他喊到：“喂，喂，你别那么担心，实际上没什么可怕的。你知道俗话说：‘大声叫的狗从来不咬人’!”“是啊，是啊!这句俗话，我知道——你也知道——可是这只狗是不是也知道呢?”5 Can You Guess the Answer?

Two good friends, James and Bill,were having fun solving riddles.“I think I have a good one," said Bill suddenly.“Listen to this, and see if you can solve it.I bet you can't."

“What is it?" asked his friend James,“Well,here goes: A negro falls into the red sea. The question is: What is the inevitable result? The result must be absolutely inevitable.mind you."

“Mmmm...He drowns," said James quickly.

“But suppose he gets rescued," conntinued Bill.“Then he wouldn't drown, would he?"

“Er...He swims away," James guessed again.

“But suppose he can't swim," Bill said.

“Then he gets rescued," James guessed the third time.

“No,no.Suppose there's no one to rescue him..."

“He becomes red," James tried again.

“But the Red Sea isn't really red, is it?"

“That's true...Oh, I give up," James sighed. “You tell me."

“The absolutely inevitable result? HE GETS WET!Right?"

你能猜到答案吗

两个好朋友詹姆斯和比尔正在猜谜语。“我想我有个好谜语，”比尔突然说道。“你听着，看能不能猜到答案。我敢打赌你猜不着。”“是什么?”他的朋友问道。“啊，是这样：一个黑人掉进红海里。问题是：什么是不可避免的结果?这结果是绝对不可避免的，请你注意。”“噢!他淹死了。”詹姆斯很快的回答说。“可是，假设他被救上来了呢?”比尔接着说。“那他岂不是淹不死吗?”“啊，他游泳离开了?”“可是，他如果不会游泳呢?”比尔说。“那他是被人救上来了，”詹姆斯第三次猜着说。“不，不。也许(根本)没有人来救他呢?”“他变红了，”詹姆斯接着说。“可是红海并不是红色的，不是吗?”“倒也是，哎，我放弃，”詹姆斯叹了一口气说。“你告诉我吧。”“绝对不可避免的结果是：他身上湿了!不是吗?”6 How Many Passengers Were There?

We are going to play a game.

First,you are the bus driver on a crowded bus, OK? Don't forget.

I want you to count carefully the number of passengers that get on and off your bus so that you can check the number of tickets sold with the total amount of money collected. Pay attention now.

There are all together six stops on the way. The bus starts out with twenty-two passengers on board.At the first stop,three passengers get off and five get on.At the second stop,one gets on and nobody gets off.At the next stop,seven get off and two get on. At the fourth stop,no one gets on and no one gets off.At the fifth stop,one gets off and six get on.Then,at the last stop,two men get off and a couple followed by an old laby get on.Now,is everything clear? Do you need me to repeat?

No? OK, then.Answer my question: WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE DRIVER?

当时一共有多少乘客?

我们来一个游戏。

首先，你来当一辆拥挤的公共汽车的司机，好吗?可别忘记，好吗?可别忘记。

我要求你仔细数一数上下车乘客的人数，以便核对一下卖掉的车票和收进的钱的总数是否对得上。请注意喽。

公共汽车路线上一共有六个站。汽车出发时，车上有二十二位乘客。到了第一站，下车的乘客有三位，上车的有五位。第二站，上车一位，无人下车。下一站，下车的有七位，上车的是两位。第四站，无人上车或下车。第五站，下去一位，上来六位。于是，到了最后的第六站，下去两位男士，又上来一对男女，后面还跟着一位老太太。好，我都讲清楚了吧?还需要我再讲一遍吗?

不用了?好，那么——请回答我的问题：公共汽车司机的名字叫什么?7 Man in the Closet

A married woman is having an affair.Whenever her lover comes over,she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet,as well.

Inside the closet,the little boy says,“It's dark in here,isn't it?"

“Yes it is," the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?"

“No,thanks," the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

“Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

“Twenty-five dollars?!" the man repeats incredulously,but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week,the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again,places her lover in the closet with her little boy.“It's dark in here,isn't it?" the boy starts off.“Yes it is," replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.“OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.“Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says,“Hey,son.Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

“I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.“How much did you get for them?" asks the father,expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.“Seventy-five dollars?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church,the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down,and says,“It's dark in here,isn't it?"

“Don't you start that shit in here now!" the priest says.

橱子里的男人

一位已婚妇女有了外遇，每次她的情人来了，她就把9岁大的儿子关在橱子里头。有一天，这位太太听见车道有车子的声音，就顺手也把她的情人关进橱子里。

在橱子里头，小男孩说：“这里头真暗。”“对啊!”这位男子回答。“想不想买个棒球啊?” 小男孩问道。“不，谢了。”男子回答说。“我认为你会想要买个棒球的。”这个小勒索鬼接着说。

男子衡量了一下自己的处境之后，回答说：“好吧!多少钱?”“25块!”’25块!”男子惊讶地重复了一次，不过他还是收敛了一下，以免被发现。

接下来的那个星期，这位情人又来妇女家，不久又听到车道有车子的声音。妇女又一样把儿子和情人一起关在橱子里。“这里头真暗!”小男孩又开始了。“对啊!”男子答道。“想不想买个棒球套啊?”小男孩问道。男子知道自己占下风，就回答说：“好吧!多少钱?”“50块!”小?……8 Aunt Billie's Really Interesting Questions

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

If you eat your peas, will a kid in south America stop starving?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

If I save the whales,where would I keep them?

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say,“No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Why is that sign for? Is it for the dog,or the blind person?

比利阿姨的有趣问题

为什么注射安乐死药剂的针头需要消毒?

如果你只吃豆子，南非的小孩子们就不用挨饿了吗?

为什么将一切行驶缓慢的时间叫急速时段?

如果我救了黥鱼，我要把它们养在哪里?

有没有人可以向我解释这些标语是什么意思，“除了导盲犬之外的动物不可以进入?”这是对谁说的?是对狗还是对人。9 Who Cares

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sport car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.

She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.When the farmer answers,she says to him,“Oh,it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do ! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

“Well," drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behing he farmer.She judges them to be in the early twenties.“Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little borny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say,“Huh?" She says,“The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant,so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys,and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.Jed says,“Luke?" Lake says,"Yeah, Jed?" Jed says,“You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

“Yeah," says Luke, “I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

“Nope," says Luke, “I reckon not".

“Me, neither," says Jed,“Let's take these things off."

谁在乎!

一位美丽的金发女郎正开着新的跑车，飞驰在乡下的路上，结果车子抛锚了，幸好离抛锚地点不远处有个农舍，她走上前去敲敲了那农舍的门。

农夫出来应门时，她说：“现在已是星期天晚上，我的车在这时候抛锚，我不知道该怎么办。不知能否在这过一夜，明天一早我就去请人来帮忙?”“嗯。”农夫懒洋洋地说：“你可以在这过一夜，不过可别和我的两个儿子杰和路乱来!”

她往门里一瞧，真有两个男子站在农夫的后头，依她看来这两个小伙子约二十出头。“没问题。”她答道。

等大伙儿都上床就寝后，金发女郎一直想着隔壁房间的那两个小伙子，情欲稍动。所以她悄悄地走进他们的房间说：“小伙子呀!要不要让我来开开你们的眼界，见见世面啊?”

他们同声答道：“啥?”她接着说：“只有一个条件，我不想怀孕，所以你们得戴上这些橡皮。”金发女郎帮他们带上之后，三个人整晚就没停下来过。

40年后，杰和路正坐在前廊的摇椅上晃来晃去的。

杰说：“路?”路答：“什么事，杰?”

杰说：“你还记不记得40年前，露宿一晚，还帮我们见世面的那个金发女郎吗?”“是啊。”路回答：“我还记得。”“你真的在乎她会怀孕吗?”杰问道。“不。”路答道：“我应该不在乎吧!”“我也是。”杰说：“那咱们把这玩意儿拿下来吧!”10 Another Choice

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane.The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.He replied:“Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying: “Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

另一个选择

有位上了年纪的老医师搭飞机，邻座是位长老会的牧师。基于某些技术上的问题，延缓了飞机起飞的时间。

起飞后，机长向乘客们致歉，并宣布马上有免费的饮料招待各位旅客。当迷人的空服小姐推着手推车过来时，医生向她要了一杯琴酒。

空服小姐接着问邻座的牧师要不要喝点东西。他答道：“不，谢谢你，我宁愿通奸，也不要喝酒。”

老医生一听，马上把他的酒退还给空服小姐说：“小姐，我刚刚不知道还有另一个选择。”11 Which One to Marry?

There is a man who has three girlfriends,but he does not know which one to marry.So he decides to give each one $ 5000 and see how each of them spends it.The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.She gets new clothes,a new hairdo,manicure,pedicure, the works,and tells the man,“I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one goes out and buys new golf clubs,a CD player,a television,and a stereo and gives them to the man.She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $ 5000 and invests it in the stock market,doubles her investment, returns the $ 5000 to the man and reinvests thd rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thinks long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decides to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

娶哪一位

有一位男子有三位女朋友，但他不知道要娶那一位才好。他决定给每位$5000，看她们如何花这笔钱。第一位将所有的钱都花在买衣服，发型设计，修指甲从间到尾焕然一新。她告诉她的爱人说：“我是如此爱你，我为了你将所有的钱花在妆扮自己上，让自己更美丽。”

第二位为这男子买了高尔夫球证，CD音响，电视，及高级音响等。她说：“我是如此爱你，我将所有的钱都用来买礼物给你。”第三位将这$5000投资进股票市场，并得到双倍的利润，她将$5000还给爱人，又将剩下的$5000投资进股市。她说：“我是多么爱你，为了你，我将我们余下的钱为将来投资准备。”

经过长久的思考，这位男子考虑三位女朋友对$5000的用法，他终于做了决定，他决定要娶“胸脯最大”的女子。12 A Letter from Mom

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.We don't live where we did when you first left.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home,so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.The first day I put four shirts in,pulled the chain,and I haven't seen'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

About your sister,she had a baby this morning.I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy,so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.Not much more news this time, write soon.

Love, Mom

We were going to send you money,but the envelope was already sealed.

妈妈来信

亲爱的儿子：

我这封信写得很慢因为我知道你不会看得很快。我们已经不住在你上次离开的地方。你爸爸每次看报纸时，报上的新闻都发生在20里以外，所以我们搬了。

我没有办法给你我们的地址，因为上次住在这的人在搬去新家时把门牌号码也带走了，所以他们就不用更改地址。

这里有一台洗衣机。第一天我把4件衬衫放进去，拉了开关后，就再也没看见它们了。这礼拜只下了两次雨，第一次下了三天，第二次下了四天。

你阿姨说你要我们寄去给你的那件外套的扣子邮寄时会超重，所以我们把扣子剪下来放在口袋里。你姊姊，她今天早上生了，我还没弄清是男的还是女的，所以我不晓得你要当阿姨或是当舅舅了。没什么事，我最近会再写信给你。

给亲爱的儿子，妈妈

我们本来要寄钱给你，但是信封已经粘好了。13 What A Coincidence

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting foom,while their wives were in labor.The nurse comes in and tells the first man,“Congratulations!You're the father of twins!"

“What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball Tearn!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man,“You are the father of triplets!"

“Wow,what a coincidence!" he replies.“I work for the 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse comes again,she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

“Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point,the fourth guy faints. When he comes to,the others ask what's wrong.“What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Eleven!"

真是巧

四位在产房外等待小宝宝诞生的父亲焦急又兴奋地向产房内望去。

终于一位护士出来向第一位父亲报喜，“恭喜你喜获一对双胞胎!”

父亲惊喜地说：“真是巧耶，我在明尼苏达双胞胎棒球队工作耶!”

过了一会儿，护士又出来向第二位父亲报喜：“恭喜你喜获三胞胎!”

这位父亲同样惊喜地说：“天啊，真够巧的!我在3M公司上班耶!”

一会儿，护士向第三位父亲报喜：“恭喜你喜获四胞胎儿!”父亲惊讶地说：“哇，真不敢相信!我在四季旅馆上班耶!”

才说完，第四位父亲就昏过去了。等他稍清醒时大家问他怎么回事，这位父亲大叫：“怎么回事?!我在7—11上班啊!”14 Who Had the Most Tragic Death

Three men stood by the Golden Gate and St.Peter said,“Sorry,we're all filled up so only one of you can come into heaven.So,out of you three, the one who had the most tragic death of all may enter and the rest of you had better put on some sunscreen."

The first man spoke,“Well I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of my wife and her male friends,so I forbid her to see any of them while I was at work.But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on,she blushed and was silent.I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally I spotted someone's hands grasping the railing on our balcony.In a fit of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 15 stories down into the BFI bin below.When I realized he was still alive.I unhooked my fridge and threw it over the railing.In the process of doing this,I had a heart attack."

St.Peter replied, “Wow,that's too bad.Next?"

The second man began to speak,“I am a window washer and I was minding my own business and washing the 17th story windows at an apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall.I reached out and in a stroke of luck, grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 15th story.I was trying to catch my breath and waited for someone to rescue me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip and fell into the BFI bin below.I opened my eyes in disbelief only to see a fridge come crashing down onto my head."

St.Peter replied,“My,my...that is bad.Next?"

The third man spoke last,“Well,I was hiding in the fridge when..."

谁死得更惨

三个男人站在天门外，圣·彼得说：“对不起，我们这儿人满为患，你们中只有一个能进入天堂。所以，你们三人当中死得最惨的才能进入。”

第一个人说：“我刚结婚不久，很嫉妒我妻子和她的男朋友，所以在我上班的时候禁止她见任何男朋友。但今天我回家较早，看见茶几上放了两杯葡萄酒，当我问妻子发生了什么时，她红着脸不说话。我搜遍了整个屋子，想找出她的男朋友，最后发现有个人的手抓住我家阳台的栏杆。我对着那双手就是一阵狂踢，直到那个流氓从15楼掉下去，可惜下面正好有一堆纸箱。当我得知他还活着时，就搬起家里的冰箱从阳台上往下砸去，然后突发心脏病身亡。”

圣·彼得说：“喔，够惨的。下一个?”

第二个人开始说：“我是一个窗户清洁工，一天我正在清洗公寓17楼的窗户，安全带不幸突然绷断，我开始坠落。但幸运的是，我抓住了15楼阳台的栏杆。我屏住呼吸等人来救我，突然有个神经病使劲乱跑我的手，直到我失手掉进下面的一堆纸箱。我睁开眼睛一看，一个冰箱正朝我的头上砸来。”

圣·彼得说：“哎呀，……够惨的。下一个?”

第三个人最后说：“咳，我当时正藏在冰箱里，突然……”15 Three Pople

There were three people stranded on an island,a brunette,a redhead,and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and eatimated about 20 miles to shore.So she announced, “I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,and got really tired.She swam out ten miles from the island,and she was too tired to go on ,so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead,said to herself,“I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette,as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.After 15 miles,she was too tired to go on,so she drowned.

So the blonde thought,“I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it,too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.The shore was just in sight,but she said,“I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

三个人

一个黑人，一个红发人和一个白人被困于一个岛上。黑人从水面望向大陆，估计到岸有20英里左右。所以她说：“我要游到对岸试试看。”结果她游了5英里就觉得很累，游出10英里后再也游不动了，便淹死了。

第二个人，那红发者对自己说：“我怀疑她有没有到，我猜试着到对岸总比呆在这儿饿死好。”所以她也下水了。红发人的耐力比黑人好得多，她游了10英里才感到累，但15英里后，她也精疲力竭，沉了下去。

白人想：“真怀疑她们到了吗!我也试试吧。”所以她游了出去，5英里，10英里，15英里，19英里。大陆就在眼前了，她却说：“我没力气再向前了!”然后她游了回去。16 A Doctor Who Never Asks Questions

A very bad-tempered man once fell ill and had to go and see the doctor.He did not want to go because he neither liked nor trusted doctors.In his opinion,all doctors were quacks who made money by cheating their patients.But since he was very ill and in qain,he had no choice.In the chinic, the doctor made him sit down in a chair and began asking him questions with concern.

“What's your complaint?"

“Humph,you are the doctor.It's your business to know. Why do you ask me? If you're competent,you should be able to see for yourself!"

“Er...Let me take your temperature," said the doctor, putting a thermometer in the patient's mouth.

“I don't want that thing in my mouth!" grumbled the man.“If you can't tell what's wrong with me,just be honest about it. I can go somewhere else."

“I truly regret that I can't do much for you," admitted the doctor apologetically.“But I know a specialist who is very good at treating patients like you.He never asks questions,never. Here's his card.You go to him I referred you to him."

The bad-tempered man snatched the card and letf the chinic without a word.

When he was in the street, he glanced at teh card,which said, “OR. JAMES KUTANOVICH. CERTIFIED VETERINARIAN".

一位从不问问题的医生

一个脾气很坏的人有一次生了病，不得不去看医生。她并不愿意去因为他既不喜欢，也不相信医生。在他看来，所有的医生都是冒牌货，专靠欺骗他们的病人赚钱。可是，因为他生病又……17 A Blonde Borrows

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.The car is parked on the streetin front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250000 Rolls as collateral against a $ 5000 loan.An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later,the blonde retruns,repays the $5000 and the interest,which comes to $ 15.41.The loan officer says, “Miss,we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled.While you were away,we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.What puzzles us is,why would you bother to borrow $ 5000?"

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

美女贷款

一个美女走进纽约市一家银行，找到负责贷款的官员。她说要去欧洲出差两个星期，需要贷款5000美元。银行官员说银行需要保证贷款的安全，于是美女递过一把轿车的钥匙。那辆崭新的劳斯莱斯就停在银行前面的街上。银行同意接受她的车作为贷款抵押。银行经理和其他官员都满意的笑了，因为美女竟用价值25万美元的汽车作为区区5000美元的抵押。然后一名银行职员把汽车开进了银行的地下车库。

两个星期后，美女回来了，偿还了5000美元外加15.41美元的利息。贷款官员说：“小姐，我们非常高兴能和你做生意。但我们有点不明白，你走了以后我们查出你是个千万富翁，为什么你还要借5000美元?”

美女回答：“整个纽约市哪有比银行更安全的停车场?而且两星期只要15.41美元。”18 Pool Party

One day a rich guy is having a party at his house.He is loaded,and he has everything:money,a big house in Beverley Hills,drugs,girls,cars,planes; anything he wants.The guy is also a little eccentric,and he has filled his pool with crocodiles.So there he is,and his friends all standing around drinking,getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up.He calls for silence and says,“OK，the first person he swims across my pool will get all my money and my house."

Still no one moves.“OK then,the first person he swims across my pool gets all my money,my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves,not even a eye blinks this time.“OK then,all my money,my house, all my cars,all my planes,all the dope you can handle, all my property,all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

“Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he roll sover like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally be gets out of the pool on the other side.The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

“That was incredible!I never thought that I would ever see that done.Do you want the money now or later?"

“I don't want the money."

“Do you want the house now or later?"

“I don't want the house."

“Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

“I don't want the cars or the planes."

“Do you want the bonds,stocks and stuff now or later?"

“I don't want that either."

“Do you want the drugs now or later?"

“I don't want the drugs."

“Do you want the girls now or later?"

“I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says,“Well,what the hell do you want?!?!"

“I want the bastard that pushed me in."

池边聚会

有一天，一个富人在他的家里开晚会。他非常富有，拥有所有东西：金钱，在贝弗利山上的大房子，毒品，美女，汽车，飞机，应有尽有。这家伙行为有点古怪，在他家的水池里养满了鳄鱼。所以，在那里，他和她和朋友们全部在水池旁喝酒、作乐、开晚会。

这个富人爬上了救生的警戒塔，朋友们都望着他。他叫大家肃静，跟着说：“好，第一位能够从水池边游到那边的朋友能够拥有我所有的钱。”

没有人移动。富人环顾了人群，抬起了他的手臂，接着说：“好，第一位能够游过这个水池的人能够拥有我的钱和房子。”

还是没人动。“那么好，第一个能够游过这个水池的人将拥有我的钱、我的房子，还有我的汽车和飞机。”

仍然没人动，甚至连眼睛都没人眨一下。“那好，我所有的钱、房子、汽车、飞机、毒品，甚至我所有的财产、股票、债券、投资、女人，我所有的通通的一切任您处置。”“扑通!”有人在水池里了。所有鳄鱼都围拢过来。但是他翻滚着，在水池里四处乱窜，与鳄鱼进行战斗和躲闪。最后，他终于从水池的那边爬了出来。这个富人马上从塔上跳下来跑向那个人。“真难以置信!我从来没想过能看见有人这样做。您想要钱吗?现在或者以后?”“我不要钱。”“那么房子呢?现在或以后?”“我不要房子。”“那您要汽力和飞机吗?现在或以后?”“我不要汽车也不要飞机。”“那么您要债券、股票和现金吗?现在或以后?”“我哪一样都不要?”“毒品?现在或以后?”“我不要毒品。”“那您想要女人，现在或以后?”“我也不要女人。”

富人看着他说：“那么你这该死的家伙到底想要什么呢?”“我只要那个推我下去的婊子养的。”19 Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.He reduces height and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

“Excuse me,can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:“Yes,you're in a hot air balloon,hovering 30 feet above this field."

“Thank you very much indeed.You must work in Information Technology,"says the balloonist.

“I do," replies the man.“How did you know?"

“Well," says the balloonist,“you've given me a smart-alec response to a straightforward question,and although everything you have told me is technically correct,it's of no use to anyone!"

The man below hollers back,“You must be a very senior manager in business."

“I am," replies the balloonist,“but how can you tell?" “well,”says the man," you don't know where you are, or where you're going,but you expect me to be able to help.You're in the same position you were before we met,but now it's my fault."

热气球

一个人乘着热气球飞在天上，他发现自己迷路了，就降低了飞行高度。他看见自己下方有一个人，于是便进一步降低了气球高度并高声喊道：“对不起，你能告诉我我现在所处的位置吗?”“好的，”下面的人回答，“你正呆在一个热气球里，在离地面30英尺的空中盘旋。”“谢谢你，你准是搞计算机之类行当的。”热气球中的人说。“没错儿!”地面上的人答道，“你是怎么知道的?”“这么说吧，”气球上的人说，“我问了你一个直截了当的问题，你却找一个你自认为够聪明的答案来打发我，尽管你所说的从技术上看都对，可就是毫无用处!”

地面上的人也冲着天上喊了起来，“你一定是一个在商界干了不少年的管理人员。”“不错，我是”，气球上的人说，“你又是怎么看出来的呢?”“好吧，”地面上的人说，“你不知道你在哪儿，也不知道应该往哪儿去，于是你希望我能帮忙。现在你还是在碰见我之前所处的老地方呆着，却怪起我来了!”20 An Englishman

An Englishman was visiting Paris for the first time.He was staying at a hotel.He went down to have breakfast on the first day,and sat with a Frenchman.

The Frenchman smiled and said,“Bon appetit." “That is his name," thought the Englishman.He smiled back and said his own name,“Sidebottom." The next morning,Sidebottom came down for breakfast and saw the Frenchman again.

Sidebottom was a bit surprised to hear his name again.But he answered in the same way,“Sidebottom". This happened every morning for about a week.

At the end of the week, a friend of Sidebottom's arrived from England.“I'm having a very good time," he said.“I've met a very nice Frenchman.His name is Bon Appetit." “That isn't his name," said the friend,“The French often say it before a meal."

The next morning,the Englishman and Frenchman sat at the same able,“Bon appetit!" the Englishman shouted.

The Frenchman looked at him and smiled.“Sidebottom." he answered.

英国人

一个英国人第一次到法国，住在一个旅馆里。第一天早上，他下楼去吃早饭，坐在一个法国人旁边。那个法国人微笑着说：“祝你胃口好。”“那一定是他的名字，”英国人想。于是他也微笑着说了自己的名字，“Sidebotton。”第二天早上， Sidebottom下楼吃早饭又遇到了那个法国人。

Sidebottom又一次听到那个法国人的名字，他有点吃惊，但他还是同样回答道，“ Sidetbttom.”在这以后的将近一个星期里，每个早上都发生了相同的情况。

在那个星期的周末，Sidebottom的一个英国朋友碰到了他。“我过得很愉快，”他说，“我遇到了一个很有趣的法国人，他的名字叫‘ Bon Appetit (祝你胃口好)’”“那不是他的名字，”他的朋友说，“法国人经常吃饭前说这句话的。”

第二天早上，英国人和法国人又坐在了同一张桌子上，“祝你胃口好!”英国人大声说。法国人看着他，带着微笑，“ Sidebottom.”他回答道。21 False Advertising

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condetion.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court,the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was:“When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read“Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins",then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling".I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read“William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

误导广告

一天，一位身孕好几个月的少妇上了一辆公交车。这时她看到一个年轻人在冲她笑，想到自己挺着一个在肚子，感到受到了侮辱。于是她换了一个座位，但那个年轻人似乎更乐了。她又换了一个座位，当她换到第四个座位的时候那个年轻人突然间哈哈大笑起来。这位少妇忍无可忍，结果她叫警察把他抓了起来。

当他们对峙公堂的时候，法官问年轻人为什么会有如此不礼貌的举动。那个年轻人说：“这位妇人一上车我就注意到她已经有了身孕。她坐在了一个广告下面，这个广告上写着‘金粉双胞胎的时候就要来了’，接着她又坐到另一个广告下面，这则广告上写着‘淑女香脂，有效消肿’。当她坐在一个递须刀广告下面的时候我就更想笑了，这则广告上写着‘威廉姆·迪克的杰作’。最后，当她第四次换座位的时候我就再也控制不住自己了，因为那个座位上面的广告写着‘邓洛普橡胶可以预防此类事故’”。22 City Fellow

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting.as he had never been hunting before.The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did EXACTLY what he was told to do.

The two men got their gear together and went into the woods.The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail,and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek,and he would be able go get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot,and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.

But a few hours later,the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail! “well, what's wrong with you?" he asked the city fellow. “why didn't you stay where I told you to?"

The city fellow, stull very excited, replied, “Well,when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log,I didn't move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log,I didn't move.But when the two squirrels came up,climbed into my lap and then one said to the other,‘Shall we take them with us or eat them here’,well I just couldn't stand it any more!"

城里人

一个城里人请求他的朋友，一个农村男孩，带他去猎鹿，因为他从来没有打过猎。农村男孩答应了他，条件是城里人必须按照他的要求去做。

两人带了猎枪进了树林。农村男孩叫城里人坐在一根躺在鹿蹄印边的圆木上，并告诉他如果他静静地耐心等待，当鹿在去小溪的路上经过他身边时，他就可以开枪了。农村男孩说他自己要沿着蹄印向前走一英里左右到另一个射击点，一会儿再回来。

可是过了一段时间，城里人大叫大嚷地沿着蹄印跑来!“怎么了?”农村孩子问城里人，“你怎么不呆在我叫你呆的地方?”

城里人仍然很兴奋，他回答说：“当野猫跑过来把它的爪子扒在那圆木上时我没有动；当熊过来坐在圆木的另一端时我也没动；可是当两只松鼠过来爬在我的大腿上，其中一只对一只说：‘我们是把它们拿回去呢还是在这儿吃’，我实在不能再忍受了。”23 Engineering VS·English Majors

An English and engineering convention was being held.On the train to the convention,there were both English majors and engineering majors.Each of the English majors had his/her own train ticket. But the engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them.

The English majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.Then,one of the engineers said,“Here comes the conductor." All of the engineers piled into the bathroom.The English majors were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the English majors.He went to the bathroom,knocked on the door,and said,“Ticket please." All of the engineers piled into the bathroom.The English majors were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the English majors.He went to the bathroom,knocked on the door,and said,“Ticket please."An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door.The conductor took the ticket and left.

A few minutes later,the engineers emerged from the bathroom.The English majors felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention,the group of English majors had ONE ticket for their group.They started snickering at the engineers,who had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout shouted,“Conductor coming!" all the engineers again piled into a bathroom.All of the English majors went into another bathroom. Then,before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom,knocked on the other bathroom,and said,“Ticket,please..."

学工的对学英文的

一次，召开英文和工科大会。在去大会的火车上，坐了文科的学生，也坐了工科的学生。每个文科学生都买了一张火车票。而所有的工科学生总共只有一张火车票!

文科学生开始嘲笑攻击工科学生。工科学生不理睬他们。这时，有个工科学生说：“查票的人来了!”所有的工科学生都挤进厕所里。文科学生觉得莫名其妙。车长走进车厢逐个收了文科学生的票。他走到厕所，敲敲门，说：“查票了!”一个工科学生把他们仅有的一张票从门底下塞出来。车长收了这张票后就离开了。几分钟后，工科学生们从厕所出来了。文科学生感到自己真蠢不过了。

开完会回来，文科学生们只买了一张票。他们又开始笑话工科学生，因为这些家伙们一张票也没有。这时，一个负责监视的工科学生叫道：“查票的来了!”所有的工科学生又挤进了厕所。所有的文科学生进了另一间厕所。然后，在车长进车厢前，一个工科学生走出厕所，敲敲另一间厕所的门，说：“查票了!”24 Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student,needing some learning,goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills is available.The pharmacist says,“Here's pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literture!

“What else do you have?" asks the student.

“Well,I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these,and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks,“Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says,“Wait just a moment",and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied,“Well,you know...math always was a little hard to swallow."

知识药片

在一个较为高级的人类社会中，已经能够将基础知识融入药片中。

一个需要些知识的学生到药房询问是否有某些知识的药片。药剂师说：“这儿是一片英国文学药片。”那学生吞下了药片，于是就拥有了关于英国文学的知识。“你还有什么别的吗?”学生问。“当然，还有艺术史，生物和世界历史的，”药剂师回答。

那学生要了这些药片，吞下后又拥有了有关这些课题的这知识。

接着那学生问：“有数学药片吗?”

药剂师说：“稍等片刻，”便回仓库拿来了一片特大的药片扔在柜台上。“我要吃这么大一块数学药片吗?”学生问。

药剂师回答道：“这个嘛，你知道的——数学总没那么容易生吞活咽。”25 How to Get a Seat by the Fire

Mr.Brown came to an inn on a very cold day,and could get no room near the fire.

He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters,and give them to his horse.

“Will your horse eat oysters?" said the hostler.

"Try him," said Mr.Brown.

Immediately the people ran to see this wonder,and Mr.Brown who alone remained in the room,chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.

怎样在火炉旁找个好座位

在一个寒冷的冬日，布朗先生来到一家小客栈，发现火炉旁边已经没有空位了。

于是，他让旅店的马夫去拿些牡蛎来喂他的马。“您的马吃牡蛎吗?”马夫问道。“你试着喂喂吧。”布郎先生回答。

顷刻间，人们都跑去看这一奇观，而布朗先生却独自呆在屋里，他在火炉旁找了个最好的座位，舒舒服服地坐在那儿取暖了。26 Two Smart Blind Men

One dark night,two blind men were going home from work.“I need to buy some socks," said one of them suddenly.“Let's stop at the shop on the corner."

“OK," replied the other. “I think I'll buy two or three pairs myself too."

In the shop,the shop-assistant asked them.“What size do you wear, sir,and what color would you like?"

“Size eleven.Give me one pair of black socks and two pairs of white,please," answered one of them.

“And you,sir?" the shop assistant asked the other customer.

“The same for me. I wear size eleven,too. So,same color, same number," said the second blind man.

A moment later they were back in the dark streets，each man with the socks he had bought.But just then,a boy riding a bicycle bumped into them.And what do you think happened?

The blind men dropped all the socks on the ground! All the six pairs—black and white all mixed up. The boy quickly apologized and left.The two blind men picked up all the socks,but could not tell which were black and which were white.How could they be sure that cach of them got one pair of black socks and two pairs of white? They tried to ask for help.But there was no one else in the streets so —what could they do?

One of them soon found a solution.Can you guess what it was?

They separated each pair of socks and both took one sock from each pair.When they got home,each of them had two black socks and four white ones of the same size—just what they wanted. Weren't they smart?

两个聪明的盲人

一个黑暗的夜晚，两个盲人下了班回家。“我得买一些袜子，”其中一个人突然说。“我们在街角那家店停一下吧。”“好，”另一个盲人说。”我想我也要买两三双。”

到了店里店员问他们，“您穿多大的尺码，先生。要什么颜色的?”“我穿十一码。请给我一双黑的和两双白的。”“您呢，先生?”“我也一样。我也穿十一码。所以尺寸、颜色、数量都跟他一样吧。”第二个盲人说。

过了一会儿，两个盲人又到街上来了，每个人手里拿着刚买的袜子。可是，正在这时，来了一个骑自行车的青年，把他们撞了一下，你想想后来怎样?

两个盲人的袜子全掉在地上了!一共六双，黑色和白色的全混在一起了。那青年马上道歉就走了。而那两个盲人就把袜子都拣起来了。可是他们分辩不出哪些是黑的，哪些是白的。他们怎样才能肯定每人拿到一双黑的和两双白的呢?他们想请别人帮忙，可是街上没有别人，那么——他们该怎么办呢?

一个盲人很快想出了一个解决的办法。你能猜到是什么办法吗?

他们把每双袜子一分为二，各自从每一双中拿了一只。等回到家，他们各自有同样尺码的两只黑袜子和四只白袜子，正是他们要买的数量。他们难道不是挺聪明吗?27 What If…

“Dear," said the wife.“What would you do if I died?"

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.“Why do you ask such a question?"

“Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

“No, of course not,dear." said the husband.

“Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

“Of course I do,dear." he said.

“Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

“Alright," said the husband,“I'd remarry."

“You would?" said the wife,looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes."said the husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

“Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

“Really," said the wife icily.“And would you take down the pictrues of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

“Is that so ?" said the wife,leaping to her feet.“And I suppose you'd let her paly with my golf clubs,too."

"Of course not,dear," said the husband.

“She's left-handed."

要是……“亲爱的”，妻子说，“要是我死了，你怎么办?”“怎么啦，亲爱的，我会很伤心”，丈夫说。“你干吗问这样的问题?”“你会再婚吗?”做妻子的毫不放松。“不会，当然不会，亲爱的。”丈夫说。“你不喜欢结婚?”妻子说。“当然喜欢的，亲爱的”，他说。“那么你为什么不再结婚?”“好吧”，丈夫说，“再婚就是了。”“你会?”妻子说，看来有点受伤的样子。“是的”，丈夫说。“你会和她睡在这张床上吗?”妻子沉默了一会儿问道“唔，是的吧，我想会的”，丈夫回答。“明白了”，妻子恼怒地说，“你会让她穿我的衣服吗?”“会吧，如果她想穿的话”。丈夫说。“是吗?”妻子冷冰冰地，“你会把我的照片换成她的吗?”28 The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:“Hello?" “Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" “Yes." “Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...It is absolutely gorgeous!!Can I buy it?" “What's the price?" “Only $ 1500.00" “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." “Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.I saw one I really liked.I spoke with the salesman and the BMW that we bought last year..." “What price did he quote you?" “Only $ 60000..." “OK,but for that price I want it with all the options." “Great! Before we hang up,something else..." “What?" “It might look like a lot,but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!!Remember? The one with a pool,English Garden,acre of park area,beachfront property..." “How much are they asking?" “Only $ 450000...a magnificent price.and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." “Well, then go ahead and buy it,but just bid $ 420000.OK?" “OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!!I love you!!!" “Bye...I do too..." The man hangs up,closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

完美丈夫

几个男人在一家私人俱乐部中运动之后进入存衣间休息。突然放在一条长凳上的手机响了起来。一个男人拿起它，接着就有如下的对话：“喂?”“亲爱的，是我。你在俱乐部吗?”“是的。”“太棒了!我就在离你那儿只有两条街区的购物商场内。我看见一件非常漂亮的貂皮大衣……它非常高贵华丽!!我可以将它买下吗?”“价格如何?”“只要1500美元。”“好，如果你那么喜欢它，就去买下它吧。”“哦!我经过默西迪斯代理店时看见2001年新款。我看见一辆我十分喜欢的车款，我已经和销售员交谈过，他愿意给我一个相当不错的价钱……再说我们也需要将去年买的宝马给换了……”“那他出什么价?”“只有60000美元。”“好吧，但价格这么贵，我希望它功能齐全。”“太棒了!在我挂机之前，还有些事……”“什么事?”“可能看起来太多了，不过我是参照你的银行帐户来的……今天早上我经过房产代理处，发现去年我们看中的那幢房子正在拍卖!你还记得吗?就是那幢带有一个游泳池，英式花园，停车场，位于海滨地区的……”“多少钱?”“只要450000美元，这个价钱非常合理，而且我们银行还有足够多的钱……”“好吧，去买下它吧，但必须还价到420000美元，好吗?”“没问题，亲爱的……谢谢!我过会儿来看你!!我爱你!!!”“再见……我也……”

这个男人挂了线，闭合手机的翻盖，然后举起他那只握着手机的手问所有在场的人：“有谁知道这只手机是谁的?”29 Speaking of Mother in Law...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However,the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all,this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day,she was alone with her husband,and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.She said,“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

“My darling," he replied, “think nothing of it.I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

关于丈母娘的谈话

在一场可怕的车祸中，做妻子的脸给烧伤了。医生告诉丈夫没法给她植皮，因为她太瘦了。

于是丈夫建议从他自己身上捐些皮出来给妻子用。可是，医生认为惟一可用的皮只能是他屁股上的那块。丈夫和妻子说好决不把这事告诉别人。并请求医生也为此保密。毕竟这事有那么点微妙。

手术完成后，每个人都被这女人的新的美貌镇住了。她看起来比以往任何时候都更漂亮!所有的亲朋都一再谈论她的青春美丽。

有一天，她和丈夫单独在一起时，她为他对自己的牺牲感动不已。她说，“亲爱的，我只想对你说声谢谢，谢谢你为我所做的一切。我没法子报答你。”“亲爱的，”他答道，“别再想它了。每次我看见你妈亲你的脸，就得到了所有的谢意。”30 An Elevator Story

A boy and his father from a small village were at a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw,but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move aPart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, father?"

The father responded,“Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life.I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They contiued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son,“Go get your mother."

电梯故事

来自小村庄的一个男孩和父亲到了一个超级购物中心，神迷意乱于一切所见所闻，特别是那两堵可以开合的银光闪闪的墙壁。

男孩问父亲：“这是什么，爸爸?”

父亲回答，“儿子，我不知道。一生中从没见过这样的东西。”

父子俩睁着大眼看着时，一个坐轮椅的老太太转到这堵会动的墙壁前，按下一个按钮。墙打开了。老太太从父子俩中间走进了一个小房间。墙合拢了。父子俩看见墙上边逐一亮起一盏盏嵌有数字的圆形小灯。他们看到有十个灯亮过了，然后又一路亮了回来。墙又开了，一个风情万种的24岁女人走出来。

父亲对儿子说：“快去把你妈叫来!”31 A Great System

A reporter called on a cotton broker one Sunday morning. The man received the reporter in his dressing-room,and after their business talk was over the wonders of the house were taken up.The broker boasted about his Raphaels and hardwood floors, his light plant and French furniture,his gold-plated plumbing and Gobelins, but he boasted above all about his travelling bathtub.

“It's onyx," he said,“a lovely golden shade, it runs by electricity,on tiny pneumatic tires,smooth and silent.Whenever I don't feel disposed to leave this room it comes in here to me,filled,just as I like it, with genuine Atlantic Ocean,brought up from Coney Island and warmed to 80 degrees.It comes in any time I push this button."

“Push it now," said the reporter,curiously.

The button was pushed,the doors slid magically opened,and the great onyx bath glided in stately silence into the room.But in it sat the millionaire's astonished wife.

浴缸里的精品

一个星期天的早上，一个记者去拜访一位棉花经销商，那商人在他的穿衣间里接见了他。正事谈完后，他们就说起这商人豪宅里的新奇精品。这商人吹嘘他拥有的拉斐尔名画，他的栎木地板，他的私人发电设备和法国家具，他的镀金水管和法国绣毯，而他吹得最起劲的就是他那个可以走动的浴缸了。“它是缟玛瑙做的，是令人喜爱的金黄色。”他说，“装在电动的充气轮胎上，走起来平稳而毫无噪音；我不愿离开这个房间的时候，它就能到这里来将就我。而且还按照我的意愿灌满了从大西洋科尼岛运来的水，水温加热到华氏八十度。只要我一按这个键钮，它随时就会来。”“那你现在就按一下看看，”记者有点好奇。

这个商人就按了一下键钮，房门神奇地打开了，那个硕大的缟玛瑙浴缸就雍容肃静地滑进房间。但是浴缸里面却坐着正在沐浴的惊慌失措的富商太太。32 Perfect Match

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.Several painters try to match the shade,but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually,a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color.The woman is pleased with the result,and the painter becomes famous.

Years later,he retires and turns the business over to his son.“Dad," says the son, “there's something I've got to know.How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

“Son," the father replies,“I painted the vase."

绝配

一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩花瓶而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。

最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。

多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的?”“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”33 Citizenship Joke

An immigrant from Hong Kong is applying for citizenship in Canada.He is to be interviewed by a Canadian immigration officer.He does not speak English well and knows nothing about Canada.Therefore, he invited a special translator to help him in his interview.

Officer:Do you know who was the first prime minister of Canada?

Translator:(told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked you, where do you usually go if you want to eat hamburger?

Man:(answered to the officer) Oh...McDonald(the first prime minister of Canada is Sir John MacDonald.)

The officer nodded his head and then asked the second question.

Officer:Could you tell me which province you're living in now?

Translator:(said to this man in Cantonese) The officer just asked you, what is the dirtiest thing in your nose?

Man:(replied to the officer in Cantonese) Ah...Bay See (which means nose dirt in Chinese)(The man lives in the province of British Columbia,commonly known as B.C.)

The officer nodded his head again and asked the final question.

Officer: Do you know what your privilege is when you become a Canadian?

Translator:(told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked you,how does a dog sound like when it barks?

Man:(demonstrated the sound to the officer)...Woe,Woe.(One of the privilegs of a Canadian is the right to vote.)

This officer told the man that all the questions were answered correctly,shook hands with him and congratulated him that he had passed the interview to be a Canadian citizen.

申请国籍的笑话

一个香港来的移民申请加拿大国籍。加拿大移民官要和他面谈。这位老兄英语说的不好，对加国一点也不了解。因此，他请了一位专门翻译在面谈时帮忙。

移民官：你知道谁是加拿大第一任总理吗?

翻译：(用广东话对这位老兄说)考官问你通常到哪吃汉堡包?

移民：(回答考官)啊……麦当劳啦。(加拿大第一任总理名叫约翰·麦当劳)

移民官点头，问第二个问题。

移民官：能告诉我你现在住在哪个省吗?

翻译：(用广东话对这位老兄说)考官问你鼻子里最脏的东西叫什么?

移民：(用广东话回答考官)啊……鼻屎啦。

(这个人住在British Columbia,通常叫做BC)

移民官又点点头，问最后一个问题。

移民官：你知道成为加拿大公民后有什么公民权利吗?

翻译：(用广东话告诉这位老兄)考官问你，狗叫起来是什么样的声音?

移民：(对考官装狗叫)…Woe…Woe(加拿大公民的权利之一是选举vote)

移民官告诉这人他答对了所有的问题，和他握手，祝贺他通过了面试，光荣地成为了加拿大公民。34 A Smugglar

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border,where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk,he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

“What's in here?" he asked.

“Dirt," the driver replied.

“Take them out," the guard instructed. “I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags,and sure enough,each one of them contained nothing but dirt.Reluctantly,the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back,and once again,the sentry looked in the truck.

“What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

“Dirt,more dirt."said the man.

Not believing him,the guard checked the sacks and,once again,he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months,and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink.Hurrying over to him, the former guard said,“Listen, pal,drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered,“Cars."

走私犯

一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷的大口袋。“里面装的是什么?”他问道。“土。”司机回答。“把袋子拿出来，”哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他物。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。“这次袋子里装的是什么?”他问道。“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

哨兵不相信，对那袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西?”

那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”35 Lawyer“Speak"

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,“If you were to give someone an orange,how would you go about it?" The student replied,“Here's an orange." The professor was outraged.“No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied.“Okay. I'd tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,my estate and interests,rights,claim,title,and advantages of and in, said orange,together with all its rind,juice,pulp,and seeds,and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,cut,freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp,juice, rind and seeds,anything herein before or hereinafter of in any deed,or deeds,instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...’"

律师的“说辞”

一位合同法班的教授问成绩较好的其中一位学生，“如果你要赠与某人一个橙子，你将会怎么做?”这个学生回答说：“给你一个橙子。”这个教授气愤地说：“不!不!你应该像一个律师那样去思考!”这个学生于是回答说：“好的。我会告诉他，‘我据此赠并转让给你我所有的和单个的，我的不动产和利息、权利、要求权、命名、声明以及所有属于或包含于比如说橙子的一切利益，连同它所有的壳、果汁、果肉和种子，包含咬、切、冰冻以及其它的任何吃的权力的所有权和利益，同样地，有或没有果肉、果汁、壳及种子，任何在此之前或之后及任何情况下、任何自然的或人为的手段，无论什么原因导致反方面的作用都具有相同的效力。’”36 Lawyer Jokes

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dlismissed from serving.He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.On the day of the trial,he decided to give it one more shot.As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor," he said,“I must be excused form this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said‘He's a crook! He's guilty!’So,Your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied,“Get back in the jury box,you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

一个关于律师的笑话

一个人被选中去参加陪审团，但是他自己却不愿意去。他用了很多推辞的借口却都行不通。审判的当天，他决定还要再试一次。当审判就要开始的时候，他询问能否向法官提出建议。“尊敬的法官，”他说，“我必须退出这次审判因为我对被告存有偏见。我一看到那个穿蓝色衣服的家伙有一双贼溜溜的眼睛和一副狡诈的面孔，我就想‘他是个骗子，他有罪。’所以，尊敬的法官，我不能继续呆在陪审团里了。”

法官显得十分恼火，回答道：“回到你的陪审席去，你这个笨蛋。那人是被告的律师。”37 Al Gore and the Clintons

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.Bill looks at Al,chuckles an says,“You know, I could throw a $ 10000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says,“Well, I could throw ten $ 1000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says,“I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole world very happy!

戈尔和克林顿一家

戈尔和克林顿一家正乘坐着空军一号。比尔看着戈尔，笑着说：“如果我现在把一张一万美金的钞票扔出机窗，将有一个人会很快乐。”

戈尔耸了一下他那僵硬的肩膀，说：“我扔十张一千美金的钞票，可以使十个人快乐。”

切尔西滴溜着眼睛，望着他们说：“我把你们都扔出去，全世界都高兴!”Part 3名篇欣赏God's Creation of the World

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.Now the earth was formless and empty,darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said,“Let there be light," and there was light.God saw that the light was good,and he separated the light from the darkness.God called the light “day",and the darkness he called “night". And there was evening,and there was morning—the first day.

And God said,“Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the espanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water about it.And it was so.God called the expanse“sky".And there was evening,and there was morning—the second day.

And God said,“Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place,and let dry gound apper." And it was so. God called the dry ground “land",and the gathered waters he called “seas".And God say that it was good.

Then God said.“Let the land produce vegetation:seed—bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it,according to their various kinds." And it was so.The land produced vegetation:plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit withseed in it according to their kinds.And God saw that it was good.And there was evening,and there was morning—the third day.

And God said,“Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night,and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years,and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so.God made two great lights—the greater light go govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night.He also made the stars.God sell them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth,to govern the day and the night.and to separate light from darkness.And God saw that it was good. And there was evening,and there was morning—the fourth day.

And God said,“Let the water teem with living creatures,and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems,according to their kinds,and every winged bird according to its kind.And God saw that it was good.God blessed them and said,“Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas,and let the birds increase on the earth." And there was evening,and there was morning—the fifth day.

And God said,“Let the land produce living creatrues according to their kinds:live stock,creatures that move along the ground,and wild animals,each according to its kind." And it was so.God saw that it was good.

Then God said,“Let us make man in our image,in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock,over all the earth,and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image,in the image of God he creatcd him; male and female he created them.God blessed them and said to them,“Be fruitful and increase in number;fill the earth and subdue it.Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

Then God said,“I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food." And it was so.God saw all that he had made,and it was very good. And there was evening,and there was morning—the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing;so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy,because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.

［译文］

上帝创世

起初，上帝创造天地时，大地一片混沌，渊面黑暗。上帝的灵气运行在水面上。

上帝说：“要有光!”立刻就有了光，上帝见有光很好，就把光明与黑暗分开，称光明为“昼”，黑暗为“夜”，于是黑夜降临，晨光现。这是第一天。

上帝说：“诸水之间要有空气，将水分为上和下。”上帝就造出分隔，将以上和以下的水分开了。事就这样成了。上帝称之为“天”。黑夜再临，晨光再现。这是第二天。

上帝说：“天下的水要聚在一处，使旱地露出来!”事就这样成了。上帝称旱地为“陆”，汇集之水为“海”。上帝见如此很好。

上帝说：“要让大地生机勃勃，地上长出能结果子的树木，果子要有籽实，各从其类!”于是，事就这样成了，大地生机蓬勃，长出了瓜果树木，果实累累。上帝见如此很好。黑夜又临，晨光再现。这是第三天。

上帝说：“天上要有光体，以区分昼夜，并标志节气、日子和年岁，并在天上发光，普照大地!”事就这样成了。上帝创造了两个巨大光体，较大的管昼，较小的司夜。上帝又造出星辰，置于空气中照亮大地，司昼夜，分明暗。上帝见如此很好。黑夜临，晨光现，这是第四天。

上帝说：“水要多多滋生生物，要有雀鸟飞在地面之上，天空之中!”于是上帝创造出大鱼和各种水物生，又造出各种飞鸟，各从其类。上帝见如此很好，于是赐福给它们，说：“让海中游鱼，空中飞鸟多多滋生繁衍!”黑夜临，晨光现。这是第五天。

上帝说：“地要生出各种活物来，牲畜、爬行动物和野兽，各从其类!”事就这样成了。上帝见如此很好。

上帝说：“要按我的形象造人管理海中之鱼，空中之鸟以及地上的牲畜和各种爬虫走兽。”于是上帝按照自己的形象造出人类，造出男女。上帝赐福给他们，说：“要多多生养，布满全球，治理世界，管理海中的鱼、空中的鸟和地上的各种动物。”

上帝又说：“我要使地上到处长满树木，结满籽果，生长果子，赐与你们为食。”事就这样成了。上帝见所造的一切，觉得甚好。黑夜临，晨光现，到了第六天。

天地万物都造齐了。到了第七日，上帝创世完毕，就停止了工作，他赐福给第七天，定为圣日，因为此时他已完成了要做的一切，无须工作了。

这就是上帝创世的故事。Adam and Eve

When the Lord God made the earth and the heavens—and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth,for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground,but streams came up from the earch and wateredthe whole surface of the ground—the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life,and the man became a living being.

Now the lord God had planted a garden in the east,in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed.And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food.In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Carden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man,“You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,for when you eat of it you will surely die."

The Lord God said,“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.He brought them to the man to see what he would name them;and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep;and while he was sleeping,he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh.Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taden out of the man,and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called‘woman’,for she was taken out of man."

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and they will become one flesh.

The man and his wife were both naked,and they felt no shame towards one another.【译文】

亚当和夏娃

上帝创造天地之时，地上全无草木，因为造世之主没有降雨到地上，也无人耕地，只有地下涌出的水滋润地面。上帝用地上的尘土造人，将生气吹进他的鼻孔，他就有了生命。

上帝在东边的伊甸建造了一座园子，他把所造的人安置在那里。上帝让地面长出各种树木，这些树木不但秀美悦目，而且结有果实可供食用。在园正中，他种下了一种生命之树和一株能辨善恶的树。

有河从伊甸流出来滋润那园子，水从那里分为四股。

上帝把他造的男人带到伊甸园，让他在园中耕耘管理，并对他说：“你可以随意采食园中树上的果实，惟独那能辨善恶的树上的果子，你不能吃，因为吃它必死。”

上帝又说：“一个人独居不好。我要为他造一个配偶作帮手。”

上帝用泥土造出各种飞禽走兽，并把它们带到此人面前，看他如何称呼它们。此人对每种动物的称呼就成了这种动物的名字。于是，此人就给所有的牲畜、飞禽和走兽定了名。

但亚当自己还是没有合适的配偶。于是上帝让他沉睡，然后乘他熟睡的时候取出了他的一根肋骨，又把皮肉合好。上帝用男人身上取出的肋骨造了一个女人，并领她到这男人面前。

亚当说：“如今这生灵，骨取自我骨，肉取自我肉，就称之为‘女人’，因为她是从男人身上取出来的。”

因此，男人要离开父母跟妻子连合，二人成为一体。

此时，他们两人，男人和妻子都赤身露体，但他们彼此相对时并不难为情。The Princess on The Pea

There was once a Prince who wanted to marry a princess;but she was to be a real princess.So he travelled about,all through the world, to find a real one,but everywhere there was something in the way.There were princesses enough,but whether they were real princesses he could not quite make out: there was always something that did not seem quite right.So he came home again,and was quite sad; for he wished so much to have a real princess.

One evening a terrible storm came on. It lightened and thundered, the rain streamed down; it was quite fearful! Then there was a knocking at the town-gate,and the old King went out to open it.

It was a Princess who stood outside the gate.But,mercy! How she looked,from the rain and the rough weather! The water ran down her hair and her clothes; it ran in at the points of her shoes,and out at the heels; and yet she declared that she was a real princess.

“Yes, we will soon find that out," thought the old Queen.But she said nothing,only went into the bedchamber, took all the bedding off,and put a pea on the bottom of the bedstead; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon the pea,and then lwenty eider-down quilts upon the mattresses.On this the Princess had to lie all night.In the morning she was asked how she had slept.

“Oh, miserably!" said the Princess.“I scarcely closed my eyes all night long.Goodness knows what was in my bed.I lay upon something hard, so that I am black and blue all over.It is quite dreadful!"

Now they saw that she was a real princess,for through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down quilts she had felt the pea.No one but a real princess could be so tender-skinned.

So the Prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a true princess and the pea was put in the museum,and it is still to be seen there, unless somebody has carried it off.

Look you,this is a true story.

豌豆上的公主

从前有一位王子，他想找一位公主结婚；但是她必须是一位真正的公主。所以他就走遍了全世界，要想寻到这样的一位公主。可是无论他到什么地方，他总是碰到一些障碍。公主倒有的是；不过他没有办法断定她们究竟是不是真正的公主。她们总是有些地方不大对头。结果他只好回家来，心中很不快活，因为他是那么渴望着得到一位真正的公主。

有一天晚上，忽然起了一阵可怕的暴风雨。天空在掣电，在打雷，在下着大雨。这真有点使人害怕!这时有人在敲着城门。老国王就走过去开门。

站在城门外的是一位公主。可是，天啦!经过了风吹雨打以后，她的样子是多么难看啊!水沿着她的头发和衣服向下面流，流进鞋尖，又从脚跟流出来。她说她是一个真正的公主。“是的，这点我们马上就可以弄清楚，”老皇后心里想，可是她什么也没有说。她走进卧室，把所有的被褥都搬开，在床榻上放了一粒豌豆。然后她取出20床垫子，把它们压在豌豆上；随后她又在这些垫上放了20床鸭绒被。

这位公主夜里就睡在这些东西上面。

早晨大家问她昨晚睡得怎样。“啊，不舒服极了!”公主说。“我差不多整夜没有合眼!天晓得我床上有件什么东西。有一粒很硬的东西硌着我，弄得我全身发青发紫。这真怕人!”

现在大家就看出来了，她是一位真正的公主，因为压在这20床垫子和20床鸭绒被下面的一粒豌豆，她居然还能感觉得出来。除了真正的公主以外，任何人都不会有这么嫩的皮肤的。

因此那位王子就选她为妻子了，因为现在他知道他得到了一位真正的公主。这粒豌豆因此也就送进了博物馆。如果没有人把它拿走的话，人们现在还可以在那儿看到它呢。

请注意，这是一个真的故事。A Story

IN the garden all the apple-trees were in blossom. They had hurried up to get flowers before green leaves, and in the farm-yard all the ducklings were out and the cat with them: he licked real sunshine, licked it from his own paws; and if one looked along to the field, the corn stood magnificently green and there was a twittering and a chirping of all the little birds, as if it were a great festival, and indeed one might also say that it was so, for it was Sunday. The bells rang, and people in their best clothes went to church, and looked so well pleased; yes, there was something so pleasant about every thint; it was certainly a day so warm and blessed, that one could say,“Our Lord is really very good to His peo-ple!"

But inside the church, the priest stood in the pulpit and spoke very loudly and very angrily; he said that the people were so ungodly, and that God would punish them for it, and when they died, the wicked should go down to Hell, where they should burn for ever, and he said that their worm never died, and their fire was never quenched; and never did they get peace or rest. It was terrible to hear it, and he said it so positively; he described Hell to them as a stinking hole, where all the world's filthiness flowed together, there was no air except the hot sulphur-flame, there was no bottom, they sank and sank in an everlasting silence. It was gruesome merely to listen to it, but the priest said it from the heart, and all the people in the church were quite terrified.

But outside all the little birds sang so happily, and the sun shone so warmly, it seemed as if every little flower said,“God is so very good to all of us," Yes, outside it was certainly not as the preacher had said.

In the evening towards bedtime, the clergyman saw his wife sitting silent and thoughtful.

“What ails you?" he said to her.

“What ails me?" said she,“I can not collect my thoughts properly, I cannot get clearly into my head what you said, that there were so many ungodly, and that they should burn for ever; for ever, O, how long! I am only a sinful woman, but I could not bear to let even the worst sinner burn for ever; how then should our Lord be able to do it who is so in finitely good, and who knows how the evil comes both from without and from within? No, I cannot think it, even although you say it."

It was autumn, the leaves fell from the trees; the severe, earnest priest sat by the death-bed of his wife.

“If any one should get peace in the grave and mercy from God, it is you!" said the priest, and he folded her hands and read a psalm over her body.

And she was carried to her grave; two heavy tears rolled down over the cheeks of the earnest priest; and in his house it was quiet and lonely, the sunshine was extinguished; she had gone away.

It was night; a cold wind blew over the head of the priest, he opened his eyes, and it seemed as if the moon shone into his room, but the moon was not shining; it was a figure which stood before his bed; he saw the ghost of his dead wife; she looked at him sorrowfully, it seemed as if she wanted to say something.

And the man raised himself half up, and stretched out his arms to her;“Have you not been granted eternal rest either? Do you suffer-you the best, the most pious?" And the departed one bowed her head for “Yes", and laid her hands on her breast.

“And can I obtain rest for you in the grave?"

“Yes," it answered him.

“And how?"

“Give me a hair, only a single hair, from the head of the sinner whose fire will never be quenched, the sinner whom God will thrust down into everlasting punishment."

“Yes, so easily can you be set free, you pure and pious soul!"

“Then follow me!" said the departed one. It is so vouchsafed to us. By my side you can float whither your thoughts will； unseen by men we stand in their most secret corners, but with steady hand you must point to the one consecrated to everlasting pain, and before cook-crow he must be found.

And quickly, as if carried by thought, they were in the great town; and from the walls of the houses shone in letters of fire the names of the deadly sins: Pride, Avarice, Drunkenness, Self-indulgence, in short, the whole seven-hued rainbow of sin.

“Yes, in there, as I thought, as I knew," said the priest, “dwell those who are destined for eternal fire." And they stood before the gorgeously lighted portal, where the broad stair was decorated with carpets and flowers, and dance-music sounded through the festive halls. The footman stood in silk and velvet with silver-mounted stick.

“Our ball can compare with that of the king," said he, and he turned to the crowd on the street; form top to toe the thought shone out of him，“Poor pack, who stare in at the portal, you are common people compared with me, all of you!"

“Pride," said the departed one.“Do you see him?"

“Yes, but he is a simpleton, only a fool, and will not be con-demned to everlasting fire and pain!"

“Only a fool!" sounded through the whole house of Pride; they were all“Only fools" there.

And they flew within the four bare walls of Avarice, where, lean, chattering with cold, hungry and thirsty, the old one clung to his gold with all his thoughts; they saw how he sprang from his miserable couch, as in a fever, and took a loose stone out of the wall, where goldmoney lay in a stoking-leg; he fingered his patched coat into which gold pieces were sewn, and the moist fingers trembled.

“He is ill, it is madness, a joyless madness, beset with fear and evil dreams."

And they departed in haste, and stood by the couches of the criminals where they slept in long rows, side by side.

Like a wild animal, one of them started up out of his sleep, utte-ring a horrid shriek; he dug his pointed elbow into his comrade, who turned sleepily.

“Hold your tongue, you blockhead, and sleep!-it is the same ev-ery night!"

“Every night," he repeated,“yes, every night he comes and howls and suffocates me. In passion have I done one thing and another, an angry mind was I born with; it has brought me here a second time; but if I have done wrong, then I have had my punishment. Only one thing have I not acknowledged. When I last came out of here and passed my master's farm, one thing and another boiled up in me,-I scratched a sulphur match along the wall, it ran a little too near the thatch of the roof, everything burned. Passion came over it, as it comes over me. I helped to save the cattle and effects. Nothing living was burned but a flock of pigeons, which flew into the fire, and the watchdog. I had not thought of it. One could hear it howling, and that howl I always hear still, when I want to sleep, and when I fall asleep, then comes the dog, so big and shaggy; he lays himself on me, howls, presses me. and suffocales me. Then listen to what I tell you; you can snore, snore the whole night, and I not a short quarter of an hour." And the blood shone in his eyes, he threw himself over his comrade and hit him with clenched fist in the face.

“Angry Mads has gone mad again!" was the cry round about, and the other scoundrels caught hold of him, wrestled with him, and bent him so that his head sat between his legs where they bound it fast; the blood was almost springing out of his eyes and all his pores.

“You will kill him," shouted the priest,“the miserable one!" And whilst he, in order to hinder them, stretched out his hand over the sinner, who already in this world suffered too severly, the scene changed; they flew through rich halls, and through poor rooms; Self-indulgence, Envy, all the deadly sins marched past them; an angel of judgement read their sins, their defence; this was but weak before God, but God reads the hearts, He who is mercy and love. The hand of the priest trembled, he dared not stretch it forth to pull a hair from the sinner's head. And the tears streamed from his eyes, like the water of mercy and love, which quench the everlasting fires of Hell. And the cock crew.

“Merciful God!" Thou will give her that rest in the grave, which I have not been able to obtain."

“I have it now!" said the dead one,“it was thy hard words, thy dark belief about God and His works, which drove me to thee! Learn to know men; even in the wicked there is something of God, something which will triumph, and quench the fire of Hell."

A kiss was pressed on the mouth of the priest, light beamed round a-bout him; God's clear sun shone into the chamber, where his wife, gentle and loving, wakened him from a dream sent by God.

一个故事

花园里的苹果树都开了花。它们想要在绿叶没有长好以前就赶快开出花朵。院子里的小鸭都跑出来了，猫儿也跟着一起跑出来了：他是在舔着真正的太阳光——舔着他的脚爪上的太阳光。如果你朝田野里望，你可以看到一片青翠的小麦。所有的小鸟都在吱吱喳喳地叫，好像这是一个盛大的节日似的。的确，你也可以说这是一个节日，因为这是星期天。

教堂的钟声在响着。大家穿着最好的衣服到教堂去，而且都显出非常高兴的样子。是的，所有的东西都表现出一种愉快的神情。这的确是一个温暖和幸福的日子。人们可以说：“我们的上帝对我们真好!”

不过在教堂里，站在讲台上的牧师却是大叫大喊，非常生气。他说：人们都不信上帝，上帝一定要惩罚他们；他们死了以后，坏的就被打入地狱，而且在地狱里他们将永远被烈火焚烧。他还说，他们良心的责备将永远不停，他们的火焰也永远不灭，他们将永远得不到休息和安静。

听他的这番讲道真叫人害怕，而且他讲得那么肯定。他把地狱描写成为一个腐臭的地洞；世界上所有的脏东西都流进里面去；那里面除了磷火以外，一点儿空气也没有；它是一个无底洞，不声不响地往下沉，永远往下沉。就是光听这个故事，也够叫人心惊胆战的了。但是牧师的这番话语是从心里讲出来的，所以教堂里的听众都给吓得魂不附体。

但是外面的许多小鸟却唱得非常愉快，太阳光也非常温暖，每一朵小花都好像在说：“上帝对我们大家太好了。”是的，外面的情形一点也不像牧师描写得那么糟。

在晚上要睡觉的时候，牧师看见他的太太坐着一声不响，好像有什么心事似的。“你在想什么呢?”他问她。“我在想什么?”她说。“我觉得我想不通，我不能同意你所讲的话。你把不敬上帝的人说得那么多，你说他们要永远受火烧的刑罚。永远，唉，永远到什么时候呢?连像我这样一个有罪的女人都不忍让最坏的恶人永远受着火刑，我们的上帝怎么能呢?他是那么仁慈，他知道罪过的形成有内在的原因，也有外在的原因。不，虽然你说得千真万确，我却没有办法相信。”

这时正是秋天，叶子从树上落下来。这位严峻和认真的牧师坐在一个死人的旁边；死者怀着虔诚的信心把眼睛合上了。这就是牧师的妻子。“如果说世上有一个人应该得到上帝的慈悲和墓中的安息的话，这个人就是你!”牧师说。他把他的双手合起来，对死者的尸体念了一首圣诗。

她被抬到墓地里去，这位一本正经的牧师的脸上滚下了两滴眼泪。他家里现在是静寂无声，太阳光消逝了，因为没有了她。

这正是黑夜，一阵冷风吹到牧师的头上来，他把眼睛睁开；这好像月亮已经照进他的房间里来了，但是并没有月亮在照着。在他的床面前站着一个人形。这就是他的死去了的妻子的幽灵。她用一种非常悲哀的眼光望着他，好像她有一件什么事情要说似的。

他直起一半身子，把手向她伸过来：“你没有得到永恒的安息吗?你在受苦吗?你——最善良的、最虔诚的人!”

死者低下头，作为一个肯定的回答。她把双手按在胸口。“我能想办法使你在墓里得到安息吗?”“能!”幽灵回答说。“怎样能呢?”“你只须给我一根头发，一根被不灭的火所烧着的罪人头上的头发——这是一个上帝要打下地狱、永远受苦的罪人!”“你，纯洁而虔诚的人，你把得救看得这样容易!”“跟着我来吧!”死者说，“上帝给了我们这种力量。只要你心中想到什么地方去，你就可以从我身边飞到什么地方去。凡人看不见我们，我们可以飞到他们最秘密的角落里去。你必须用肯定的手，指出那个注定永远受苦的人，而且你必须在鸡叫以前就把这个人指出来。”

他们好像是被思想的翅膀托着似的，很快地就飞到一个大城市里去了。所有房子的墙上都燃着火焰所写成的几件大罪的名称：骄傲、贪婪、酗酒、任性——总之，是一整条7种颜色的罪孽所组成的长虹。“是的，”牧师说，“在这些房子里面，我相信——同时我也知道——就住着那些注定永远受火刑的人。”

他们站在一个灯火辉煌的、漂亮的大门口。宽广的台阶上铺着地毯和摆满花朵，欢乐的大厅里飘出跳舞的音乐。侍者穿着丝绸和天鹅绒的衣服，手中拿着包银的手杖。“我们的舞会比得上皇帝的舞会，”他说。他向街上的人群望了一眼；他的全身——从头到脚——射出这样一个思想：“你们这群可怜的东西，你们朝门里望；比起我来，你们简直是一群叫花子!”“这是骄傲!”死者说，“你看到他没有?”“看到了，但是他不过是一个傻瓜，一个呆子。他不会受永恒的火刑和痛苦的。”“他不过是一个傻子!”整个“骄傲”的屋子发出这样的一个声音。他们都“只不过是傻子”。

他们飞到“贪婪”的四堵墙里面去。这里有一个干瘦的老家伙，又饥又渴，冻得发抖，但是他却聚精会神地抱着他的金子。他们看到他怎样像发热似地从一个破烂的睡榻上跳下来，挪开墙上一块活动的石头，因为那里面藏着他的装在一只袜子里的许多金币。他抚摸着褴褛的上衣，因为它里面也缝的有金币；他的潮湿的手指在发抖。“他病了。他害的是一种疯病，一种没有乐趣的、充满了恐怖和噩梦的疯病。”

他们匆忙地走开了。他们站在一批罪犯的木板床旁边。这些人紧挨着睡成一排。

他们之中有一个人像一只野兽似地从睡梦中跳起来，发出一个可怕的尖叫声。他用他的瘦削的手肘把他旁边的一个人推了几下。这人在睡梦中翻了一个身，说：“闭住嘴吧，你这个畜生，赶快睡呀!你每天晚上总是来这一套!”“每天晚上?”他重复着说。“是的，他每天晚上总是来对我乱叫，折磨着我。我一发起脾气来，不做这就要做那，我生下来就是脾气坏的。这已经是我第二次被关在这儿了。不过，假如说我做了坏事，我已经得到了惩罚。只有一件事情我没有承认。上次我从牢里出来的时候，从我主人的田庄附近走过，心里不知怎的忽然闹起别扭来。我在墙上划了一根火柴——我划得离开草顶太近，立刻就烧起来了。火燎起来正她像脾气在我身上发作一样。我尽量帮忙救这屋子里的牲口和家具。除了飞进火里去的一群鸽子和套在链子上的看门狗以外，什么活东西也没有烧死。我没有想到这只狗，人们可以听见它在号叫——我现在在睡觉的时候还能听见它号叫。我一睡着，这只毛茸茸的大狗子就来了。它躺在我身上号叫，压着我，使我喘不过气来。我告诉你吧：你可以睡得打呼噜，一整夜打呼噜，但是我只能睡短短的一刻钟。”

这人的眼睛里射出血丝。他倒到他的朋友身上，紧捏着一个拳头朝他的脸上打来。“疯子又发作了!”周围的人齐声说。其余的罪犯都把他抓住，和他揪作一团。他们把他弯过来，使他的头夹在两腿中间，然后再把他紧紧地绑住。他的一双眼睛和全身的毛孔几乎都要喷出血来了。“你们这样会把他弄死的，”牧师大声说，“可怜的东西!”他向这个受够了苦的罪人身上伸出一只保护的手来；正在这时候，情景变了。他们飞过富丽的大厅，他们飞过贫穷的房间。“任性”、“嫉妒”和其他主要的“罪孽”都在他们身边走过。一个作为裁判官的安琪儿宣读这些东西的罪过和辩护。在上帝面前，这并不是重要的事情，因为上帝能够洞察人的内心；他知道心里心外的一切罪过；他本身就是慈悲和博爱。牧师的手颤抖起来，他不敢伸出手在这罪人的头上拔下一根头发。眼泪像慈悲和博爱的水一样，从他的眼睛里流出来，把地狱里的永恒的火滴熄了。

这时鸡叫了。“慈悲的上帝!只有您能让她在墓里安息，我做不到这件事情。”“我现在已经得到安息了，”死者说。“因为你说出那样骇人的话语，你对他和他的造物感到那样悲观，所以我才不得不到你这儿来!好好地把人类认识一下吧，就是最坏的人身上也有一点上帝的成份——这点成份可以战胜和熄灭地狱里的火。”

牧师的嘴上得到了一个吻，他的周围充满了阳光。上帝的明朗的太阳光射进房间里来。他的活着的、温柔和蔼的妻子把他从上帝送来的一个梦中唤醒。A leaf from the Sky

HIGH up, in the thin chear air, flew an angel with a flower from the heavenly garden. As he was kissing the flower, a very little leaf fell down into the soft soil in the midst of the wood, and immediately took root, and sprouted, and sent forth shoots among the other plants.

“A funny kind of slip, that,”said the Plants.

And neither Thistle nor Stinging-Nettle would recognize the stranger.

“That must be a kind of garden plant,”said they. And they sneered; and the plant was despised by them as being a thing out of the garden, but it grew and grew, like none of the others, and shot its branches far and wide.

“Where are you coming?”cried the lofty Thistles, whose leaves are all armed with thorns.“You give yourself a good deal of space! That's all nonsense-we are not here to support you!”

And winter came, and snow covered the plant; but the plant imparted to the snowy covering a lustre as if the sun was shining upon it from below as from above. When spring came, the plant appeared as flourishing and more beautiful than any growth of the forest.

And now appeared on the scene the botanical professor, who could show what he was in black and white. He inspected the plant and tested it, but found it was not included in his botanical system; and he could not possibly find out to what class it belonged.

“It must be some subordinate species,” he said.“I don't know it. It's not included in any system.”

“Not included in any system!”repeated the Thistles and the Nettles.

The great trees that stood round about heard what was said, and they also saw that it was not a tree of their kind but they said not a word, good or bad, which is the wisest thing for people to do who are stupid.

There came through the forest a poor innocent girl. Her heart was pure, and her understanding was enlarged by faith. Her whole inheritance was an old Bible; but out of its pages a voice said to her,“If people wish to do us evil, remember how it was said of Joseph:-they imagined evil in their hearts, but God turned it to good. If we suffer wrong-if we are misunderstood and despised-then we may recall the words of Him Who was purity and goodness itself, and Who forgave and prayed for those who buffeted and nailed Him to the cross.”

The girl stood still in front of the wonderful plant, whose great leaves exhaled a sweet and refreshing fragrance, and whose flowers glittered like coloured flames in the sun; and from each flower there came a sound as though it concealed within itself a deep fount of melody that thousands of years could not exhaust. With pious gratilude the girl looked on this beautiful work of the Greator, and bent down one

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