作者：(美)毕尔斯(著)/刘荣跃(译)
出版社：重庆出版社
格式: AZW3, DOCX, EPUB, MOBI, PDF, TXT
荒诞寓言(英汉对照)试读：
一部荒诞幽默、妙趣横生的读物（译序）
刘荣跃本书是美国作家安布罗斯·毕尔斯（1842-1914）的一部风格独特的书，它充满荒诞与幽默，融知识性与趣味性于一体，可谓妙趣横生。富于“荒诞”性，是本书的一大特点，这也是它与一般寓言的不同之处。英语“fantastic”一词包含了“幻想的、异想天开的、奇异的、古怪的、难以置信的”等意思，而本书的寓言即体现了这样一些特色。它使读者在颇富意趣的阅读当中，获得有关生活的各种知识或信息，这些知识或信息涉及政治、经济、文化、法律、道德、军事、宗教等等，内容广泛而丰富——这从目录中即可看出。它们包含着人生的智慧，闪耀着人生的机敏，想象丰富，或令人发笑，或使人深思。大量篇章虽然短小但往往出乎读者的预料，令人叫绝。它们来源于生活，与生活密切相关，是对生活的高度提炼和浓缩。许多篇章颇具深度，揭示出事物的深层本质，十分耐读，而不像一些文学作品那样显得肤浅，淡而无味。我想正是因为它们富有新意，能启迪人的思维，才体现了作品得以长存于世的价值。
这里我们不妨欣赏几篇具有代表性的寓言。在第1篇《道德原则与物质利益》中，二者在桥上相遇，但桥很窄，只能通过其中之一，于是出现谁让谁过去的问题。道德原则提出3种办法——它从物质利益身上过去，或两者抽签，或它趴下让物质利益——物质利益先是默不作答，最后竟意外地让道德原则跳下水去以便让出道来。可见道德原则是斗不过物质利益的，其结果真是出奇。在第34篇《政治卓越城》中，一富人急于去此城，暗示他想走上仕途，但来到分岔处时不知往哪边走，便向人询问。但指路的人无不向他索取钱财——这当中就寓意讽刺着一些社会现象。离奇的是他来到湖边时船夫不是把他载过去而是把他的脖子用绳套着拖过去，把他勒得半死！但当历尽千辛万苦到达自己向往的城市时，他却失望地发现那里并不像他想象的那样美好。他想随船夫回去，可是不行，因为他来到一个“不归岛”上……在第100篇《财富与寓言作家》中，寓言作家面对财富的态度非同寻常。财富应该说是个好东西，但运用不当也会带来灾难。人活着不能没有金钱，但人活着不能只为了金钱，还有金钱以外的美好东西，比如纯真的爱情和友谊，比如读书和创作——这是我对于生活的理解。尽管财富告诉寓言作家它是受人尊敬的东西，是漂亮的房子，是游艇，是每天一件的新衬衣，是悠闲，是旅游，是美酒，是闪耀的帽子，是崭新的衣服，是丰富的食品，可面对它时寓言作家竟大为惊慌，让它说话小声点，以免吵醒他——他这样说时脸上呈现出神圣的宁静，让人感到作品意味深长。在第118篇《三个新兵》中，我们看到3个滑稽可笑的人。我们知道，军队是用来保家卫国的，大家都明白“养兵千日用兵一时”这个道理。然而寓言中的农夫、技工和普通工人却看不到这一点，他们只认为军人们无所事事，靠他们供养，由此产生抱怨。于是国王将军队解散，军人由纯粹的消费者成为生产者。结果由于产品增加，市场价格大降，以致农业萧条，全国陷入极度贫困之中。上述3人不得不进了济贫院，他们只好恳求国王重建常备军，但让人意想不到的是他们不是希望供养无所事事的消费者，而是希望参军！又如第67篇《朴实的农夫》、第96篇《政党干事与绅士》、第111篇《遭死猫打的无政府主义者》和第136篇《寓言家与动物们》等等，都是非常优秀的寓言，读者可凭着自己的理解去解读、品味、欣赏。
另外，本书还有部分“寓言新编”的篇章，即赋予了旧的寓言以新意。如第145篇《农夫与他的儿子》，我们都熟悉这样一个众所周知的寓言：一个农夫就要死去，他的葡萄园长满了杂草，儿子们都不去管理，一心赌博去了。于是他对他们说葡萄园下面埋有大量财宝，让他们去挖，想以此把地好好耕耘一下。结果儿子们把所有杂草连同葡萄树都挖起来，甚至忘了埋藏父亲！这篇寓言的新意就在于结局上。又如第183篇《北风与太阳》，人们熟悉两者争论谁的威力更大，谁能让旅行者脱下衣服的故事——结果当然是太阳赢了。而在这篇寓言中两者谁也没赢，因为它们好不容易等来的旅行者身上并未穿衣服！这真是一个意外的幽默。
阅读本书，我们会感到幽默无处不在，时时暗自发笑。它们有的对生活中某种现象进行嘲讽，有的则纯粹是反映生活中各种各样的情趣。而我们的生活是很需要幽默的，它能使生活不显得那么沉闷，它能让人们感到快乐开心，这是十分可贵的。如今人们的生活节奏越来越快，紧张而繁忙；但假如能在如此高速运转的生活中抽出一点时间读些有意义的书，让自己轻松轻松，同时从中获得一点启示，的确不失为一个很好的调剂。我们需要繁忙，但我们也需要休憩，二者必须有机结合生活才会丰富多彩。我时常听见有人说自己太忙，没时间看书。其实我觉得这是一个习惯问题，只要养成了读书的好习惯，总是能挤出时间读书的。一个人养成良好的读书习惯，将终生受益，对其人生大有帮助。
本书作者安布罗斯·毕尔斯出生于美国俄亥俄州海格斯的一个清教徒农场主的家庭。南北战争期间，他在联邦军里当过兵。19世纪70年代初他开始文学创作，出版有短篇小说集《金砂与粪土》、《头颅骨里的蜘蛛网》等。箴言集《一个愤世嫉俗者的语录》于1906年出版，1911年再版时改名为《魔鬼词典》，它辛辣讽刺了“镀金时代”的种种时弊（此书在国内已有译介）。毕尔斯的创作透露出一种孤独和疯狂绝望的情绪，充满梦魇般的恐怖和爱伦·波式的浪漫主义幻想，大多带有悲观虚无和愤世嫉俗的倾向，喜欢用讽刺的笔调处理死亡和恐怖的主题，同时又包含着夸张的幽默——这些特征和风格在《荒诞寓言》中也可见一斑。毕尔斯逝世后，美国文学界对他的创作产生了浓厚的兴趣。
这是本人编译的又一部英汉对照读物，也是我从事翻译事业以来出版的第10本书。这是人生的收获，我为此感到自豪和喜悦。我为能对广大读者尽一分力觉得十分欣慰。当今人们对英语知识的需要有增无减，这是因为中国在不断走向世界。互联网的迅猛发展，中国加入WTO，2008年中国将举办奥林匹克运动会……这一切都非常需要有英语知识。因此本书从另一个方面也有了它存在的意义和价值。关于英汉对照读物的读法，我想首先是要尽量读原文，实在读不懂再参考译文，最后再对照阅读从中体会翻译规律。译文的目的主要就是帮助读者理解原文，同时也给读者在翻译方法上一些启示，对于英语知识较好的读者也可说是“抛砖引玉”吧。为了锻炼提高理解原文的能力，最好不要先看译文，以免先入为主，影响思路。不懂英语的读者则可直接阅读中文，因为作为译本它本身就是一部独立的作品，并且最初有关出版社还拟出中文本的。
最后，本书中的错误和遗漏在所难免，诚恳希望广大读者、同仁和专家不吝指教，一定及时更正。谢谢！2001年12月于四川简阳1.The Moral Principle and the Material [1]Interest
A MORAL Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but one.
"Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me pass over you!"
The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying anything.
"Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to see which shall retire till the other has crossed."
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering stare.
"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat uneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence it was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it said. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose you get off into the water."
It occurred that way.
[1]各篇编号为译者所加。1.道德原则与物质利益
道德原则与物质利益在一座桥上相遇，而此桥的宽度只能通过其中之一。“趴下，你这个卑鄙的东西！”道德原则大声吼道，“让我从你身上过去！”
物质利益只盯住对方的眼睛，一字不答。“哈，”道德原则迟疑地说，“咱们抽签吧，看该谁让对方过去。”
可物质利益仍沉默不语，紧盯住对方。“为了避免冲突，”道德原则有些不安地继续说道，“我趴下让你过去好啦。”
这时物质利益终于开口说话，并且奇怪的是完全表现出它自身的那种说话方式。“我想你并不太会走路，”它说，“我对于脚下面的东西是很挑剔的。你跳下水去怎么样？”
事情就这么办了。2.The Crimson Candle
A MAN lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said:
"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence you will not remarry."
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted entirely away.2.红蜡烛
一个男人临终前把妻子叫到床边，对她说：“我就要和你永别了，所以请再最后一次证明你对我的感情与忠诚吧，因为根据我们神圣的宗教信仰，一个已婚男人在请求进入天堂之门时，必须发誓他从没受到一个卑鄙女人的玷污。我桌上有一支大祭司赐给的红蜡烛，它具有某种神奇的意义。向我发誓吧，只要它存在你就永远不会再嫁。”
女人发了誓，男人随后离开人世。葬礼上女人伫立在丈夫的棺材顶端，手里拿着一支点燃的红蜡烛，直到它彻底燃尽。3.The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA MACULATA, which is dirty from birth."[1]3.有污渍的盾片和有污泥的鼬皮
面对谁更优越的问题，有污渍的盾片起身说道：“议长先生，我希望作出严正的声明和解释——我身上的‘污点’是太阳的一名直系后裔身上的自然斑纹，就像鹿身上的斑点。它们绝非什么偶然弄上去的东西，而是生来就有的非同一般的纹路和结构。”
有污渍的盾片说罢回到座位，这时有污泥的鼬皮起身说道：“议长先生，我全神贯注并非常赞同地听完了这位可敬议员的解释，在此希望替自己说两句话。我也受到我们古老的敌人‘无耻谎言’[2]恶劣诽谤，我希望指出的是我本身就是鼬皮构成的，生来肮脏。”
[1]鞘翅目昆虫的小盾片。
[2]在本寓言中，盾片和鼬皮都不甘示弱，只是攻击对方的方式不同。盾片说自己的污点是自然斑纹，而鼬皮说它本身就是鼬皮构成的。两者都在强调自己身上的脏东西是固有的，不是后来沾上的，实际都在狡辩。4.The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying:
"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums."
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a million tumtums.
"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into still another pocket, remarking:
"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new- "
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."
"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny.
"May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, "one of them contains tobacco."
"Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give him a check for forty-two million and put him to death. Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence."4.足智多谋的爱国者
一个足智多谋的爱国者受到国王接见，从衣袋里取出一份材料，说：“尊敬的陛下，我这儿有一份能制造任何枪炮都打不穿的装甲板的方案。假如皇家海军采用这种装甲板，那么我们的军舰是无懈可击、因而不可征服的。这里还有陛下的大臣的报告，证明了此项发明的价值。只要给我100万元我就把这个所有权转让。”
国王看过材料后把它们放开，答应让“勒索部财政大臣”给他100万元。“这儿，”足智多谋的爱国者说，从另一个衣袋里取出一份材料，“是我发明的一种生产炮的计划，此炮将会击穿那种装甲板。陛下的兄弟即班格的君主急于买下它，但出于对陛下王位及个人的忠诚，我必须首先转让给尊敬的陛下。只需给我100万元即可。”
国王答应给他100万元支票，这时他又把手伸进另一个衣袋，说：“陛下，我这战无不胜的炮的价格本来还应高得多，要不是我发明了一种奇特的方法能用装甲板有效地阻挡炮弹，我采用的是一种新的……”
国王示意家务总管过去。“搜查这个人，”他说，“向我报告他身上有多少衣袋。”“43个，陛下，”家务总管仔细搜查后说。“尊敬的陛下，”足智多谋的爱国者惊恐地叫道，“有一个袋里装的是烟呀。”“把他倒吊起来好好抖一下，”国王说，“给他一张4200万元的支票，然后处他死刑。再颁布一项法令，对足智多谋者斩。”5.Two Kings
THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote him as follows:
"Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your Minister from my capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar replied:
"I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him!"
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that he hastened to comply.5.两个国王
马达高国王与波勒加斯卡国王正进行着一场争论，他向后者这样写道：“我先要求你把公使从我首府召回，再接着我们的争论。”
这个令人难以忍受的要求使波勒加斯卡国王大为恼怒，他回答说：“我决不会召回我的公使。此外，如果你不立即收回你的要求，我就让他撤回！”
这一威胁让马达高国王惊恐不已，赶紧照办。6.An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
"Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating him with a stuffed club."
"Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty that must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt.
Please do not repeat it."
"But," said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police.6.警官与暴徒
警察局长看见一名警官打一名暴徒，极为气愤，说以后不准再这样，违者解雇。“别对我太严厉啦，”警官微笑着说，“我是用一只假警棍打他的。”“不过，”警察局长坚持说，“那也是一种很不好的失礼行为，虽然不会造成伤害。请别再那样做了。”“可是，”警官仍然微笑着说，“那只是一个假暴徒呀。”
为了显示做官的快感，警察局长猛地挥一下右手，殊不知把腑窝处的皮肤撕破了，只见锯屑从中撒出来。原来他是一个假警察局长。7.The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the switches he received word that the President of the road was about to discharge him for incompetency.
"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division than on all the rest of the line."
"The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him the news; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less damage to the company's property."
"Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails. "Does he take me for an assassin?"7.尽责的官员
一个铁路分段主管正认真履行职责——在铁轨上放置障碍物并破坏铁路转辙器——这时铁路公司经理让人带话来说，他太无能，要被解雇。“天啦！”他叫道，“我这一段的事故比全线所有其他地方的都多呀。”“可是经理相当挑剔，”带话来的人说，“他认为还可以损失公司更少的财产伤害同样多的生命。”“难道他要我从车厢窗口向乘客开枪吗？”愤怒的官员大声叫[1]道，一边把绳子横过铁轨松松钉上。“他把我当成一名刺客了？”
[1]既然是“荒诞寓言”，它总是与通常的寓言不同。履行职责竟然是看谁最善于搞破坏！而经理还认为他造成那些伤害所花费的财产仍然多了！真是荒唐可笑，幽默与讽刺尽在其中。8.How Leisure Came
A MAN to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in order to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. In buying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced him to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a wharf.8.悠闲的到来
一个“视时间即金钱的人”正匆匆吃着早餐，以便去赶一辆火车。他把报纸靠在糖缸上，边吃边看。他看得出神，匆忙中把餐叉插进了右眼，取出时眼睛也被叉出来。他只好买眼镜，而由于购买右眼镜片他付出不必要的开支，所以不久变得贫困，这个“视时间即金钱的人”不得不在码头尾以钓鱼维生。9.政府官员
两位政府官员，一位年老一位年轻，正通过一条灰尘扑扑的公路穿行在美丽的乡村，这条公路通往某个繁荣但隐秘的城市。年轻的官员深受鲜花和林荫吸引，为林荫道旁和绿色田野里鸟儿的啁啾着迷，不禁想象起远处两旁金光闪闪的大厦和宫殿，说道：“求求你，咱们离开这条让人不愉快的路吧，你知道它通向哪里，可我不知道。咱们就违背一下职责，好好享受这儿既有利又可喜的事——你看处处的树林和明媚的山丘都在向我们召唤。如果你愿意，咱们就从这条美丽的小路进去，正如你看见那个路牌上写着：‘凡欲在宫廷寻求高位者请转入此路。’”“这真是一条美丽的道路，孩子，”年老的政府官员说，既没放慢脚步又没回头，“并且两旁的景色令人愉快。但欲寻求高位就得冒一个巨大风险。”“什么风险？”年轻的官员问。“找到它的风险。”年老的官员回答，继续前进。9.The Politicians
AN Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, his imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palaces in the distance on either hand, the Young Politician said:
"Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading, thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn our backs upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages which beckon from every grove and call to us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt, follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-board saying, 'Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of Political Distinction.'"
"It is a beautiful path, my son," said the Old Politician, without either slackening his pace or turning his head, "and it leadeth among pleasant scenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is beset with one mighty peril."
"What is that?" said the Young Politician.[1]
"The peril of finding it," the Old Politician replied, pushing on.
[1]注意原文有不少古英语用法，如thee,thou，knowest ,wilt，seest，hath，ye，leadeth，它们分别是you,you,knows,will,see,has,you,leads.10.The Thoughtful Warden
THE Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of all the cells when a mechanic said to him:
"Those locks can all be opened from the inside - you are very imprudent."
The Warden did not look up from his work, but said:
"If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called a thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune."10.考虑周密的监狱长
一天，监狱长正把所有牢房锁上时，一个机修工对他说：“你那些锁都可以从里面打开——你也太不谨慎了。”
监狱长仍埋头锁门，不过说道：“如果这也叫不谨慎，我真不知为命运的浮沉作好周密预防又叫[1]什么。”
[1]照理说把所有牢房锁上应该是够谨慎的，但对于一个机修工而言又算什么？他当然能设法打开。既然这都不叫谨慎，那么对于人的命运再怎么预防又怎能控制呢？11.The Treasury and the Arms
A PUBLIC Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed:
"Mr. Shareman, I move for a division."
"You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech,"
said the Two Arms.
"Yes," replied the Public Treasury, "I am familiar with the hauls of legislation."11.国库与兵器
一座国库感到有两支枪从库中冒出，大声说道：“谢尔曼先生，我请求派一个师的兵力来。”“你好像懂得一些议会特有的用词。”两支枪说。[1]“不错，”国库回答，“我熟悉立法的步骤。”
[1]国库已面临危险了，却是这样的举止态度！12.The Christian Serpent
A RATTLESNAKE came home to his brood and said: "My children, gather about and receive your father's last blessing, and see how a Christian dies."
"What ails you, Father?" asked the Small Snakes.
"I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal," was the reply, accompanied by the ominous death-rattle.12.信奉基督教的蛇
一只响尾蛇回到窝里，说“孩子们，都到我身边来吧，听父亲临终的祝福，看一个基督徒是如何死的。”“有什么让你痛苦的吗，父亲？”小蛇们问。“我被一个党刊的编辑打了。”响尾蛇回答说，接着发出临终时[1]不祥的喉鸣。
[1]临终的祝福本来应该是很神圣重大的，可这只蛇的临终祝福竟然是说它被一个党刊的编辑打了！作者对这只信奉基督教的蛇进行了多么辛辣的讽刺。13.The Broom of the Temple
THE city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence. The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried jackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed by the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion of cloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over the remains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said:
"High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentively to all the plans proposed. All seem wise, and I do not suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious.
Nevertheless, I cannot help thinking that if we would put an improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water, construct shallower roadways, groom the street cows, offer the stranger within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion, and relinquish our private system of morals, the other measures of public safety would be needless."
The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple - for the men of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province. The last speaker was the broom.13.神殿里的扫帚
加克瓦克市即将丧失它乌克沃克省府的名声，于是市长瓦姆坡格发布一项公告，把议会所有男子召集到乌尔神殿商量对策。第1个发言人认为最好的办法就是向众上帝敬献一只油炸公驴。第2个发言人建议由瓦姆坡格手持“圣棒”坐于黄铜垫上，亲自领队公开游行。第3个发言人认为应在公园里活埋一只红鼹鼠，然后向其遗体念适当的咒文。第4个发言人则建议让一个小腿上长毛的人把狗油擦在议会大厦的柱上。待这些人都说完后，一个老者起身说道：“尊贵的瓦姆坡格市长和广大的市民们，我认真听完了所有建议，认为它们都很英明，无疑每个建议都行之有效。然而我不禁想到，假如我们把某个良种蝌蚪放入饮用水里，修建底子更加浅薄的车行道，装饰一下上街的母牛，在大门内让外地人任意选择匕首和毒药，放弃我们的道德体系，那么其他公共安全措施都用不着了。”
老者正要继续往下说，可会议被非正式延期，以便打扫神殿的地面——因为加克瓦克的男人个个成了全省最爱整洁的家庭主妇。结果最有发言权的是扫帚。14.The Critics
WHILE bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him; but before this could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied him.
"This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other.
The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see my statue of Antinous."
"In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"14.批评家[1][2]
安提诺乌斯洗澡时被密涅瓦碰见，她对他的英俊十分迷恋。此时她恰好全副武装，从奥林匹斯山下来向他求婚；但不幸她把盾露出来，盾上面有水母的头像。结果她痛苦地看见英俊的凡人安提诺乌斯因瞥见盾而忽然变成石头。她立即回到奥林匹斯山上请求罗神朱庇特让他恢复原样，可就在这时一位雕刻家和一位批评家经过，发现了安提诺乌斯的石像。[3]“这真是一尊糟糕的阿波罗像，”雕刻家说，“它的胸膛狭小，一只胳膊至少比另一只短半英寸。姿势也不自然，可谓让人难受。啊！朋友，你应该看看我雕刻的安提诺乌斯像。”“在我看来，”批评家说，“这尊石像还过得去，虽然太伊特鲁里[4][5]亚化了，表情明显有托斯卡纳人的特征，所以显得不自然。随便[6]问一下，你读过我写的《关于艺术中动词体的谬误性》没有？”
[1]安提诺乌斯，原文Antinous，待考。
[2]密涅瓦，司智慧、艺术、发明和武艺的女神。
[3]阿波罗，美男子，太阳神。
[4]伊特鲁里亚，意大利中西部古国。
[5]托斯卡纳人，在意大利。
[6]本篇寓言强调“别人说的不行，还是我说的好”。在这些批评家面前哪里还有什么标准，我说的就是标准。15.The Foolish Woman
A MARRIED Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away, procured a pistol and shot him dead.
"Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by.
"Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and had purchased a ticket to Chicago."
"My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."15.愚蠢的女人
有一个已婚妇女，她的情人打算离开她，从此改过；于是她弄到一支手枪将他打死。“你干吗那样做，夫人？”一个警察走过时问。“因为，”已婚妇女回答，“他是一个不道德的人，买了一张去芝加哥的车票。”“我的姐妹，”旁边一个牧师严肃地说，“你怎么能把不道德的人杀了，不让他去芝加哥呢。”16.Father and Son
"MY boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hot temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak."
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from the paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to seventy-five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a waiting cab and whirl away.16.父与子“儿子，”一个年老的父亲对他暴躁难管的儿子说，“暴躁的脾气是悔恨的土壤。答应我下次你发怒时先数1百下，再行动或说话。”
儿子刚一答应就被父亲用手杖打了一下，感到刺痛。他数到75时，却不幸看见老父跳上一辆等候在旁的出租马车，飞奔而去。17.The Discontented Malefactor
A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of reformation.
"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and nothing else?"
"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"
"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor - "three years' imprisonment and the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching."17.不满的罪犯
法官已宣判将一名罪犯关进监狱，此时正着手向他指出犯罪的坏处和改过自新的好处。“阁下，”罪犯打断道，“你能行行好吗，改变一下对我的处罚，只让我在监狱里关10年？”“为什么，”法官吃惊地说，“我只判了你3年呀！”“不错，我知道，”罪犯同意地说——“3年监禁，外加讲道。如果你愿意，我宁愿用讲道交换。”18.A Call to Quit
SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpit stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. He then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed his discourse, making no allusion to the incident.
"Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, a large attendance and no snoring."
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of the Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the New Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They had therefore sent a call to a World-Renowned man of God.They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved by the
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