作者：廖小胜
出版社：外语教学与研究出版社
格式: AZW3, DOCX, EPUB, MOBI, PDF, TXT
十分搞笑(英汉双语笑话)试读：
1.Aircraft Crew
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane.Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
飞机乘务员
我妻子是一家大型航空公司的乘务员。一天，她看到一位带着许多行李的乘客正试图把他的东西塞进舱顶行李箱中。最后，我妻子告诉他，他应该把大行李进行托运。他恼火地说：“我坐其他航空公司的飞机时，从没遇到过这个问题。”
我妻子微笑着回答：“您坐其他航空公司的飞机时，我也不会遇到这个问题。”
2. Try on Clothes
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth made disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. "I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
disparaging adj. 诋毁的
reunion n. 重聚
试衣服
我在一家百货商店的试衣间里听到隔壁试衣间里有个女人对自己试的衣服牢骚不断。最后，一个售货员敲了她的门，询问她需要什么颜色或样式的衣服，可以给她找。“我需要一件参加同学聚会穿的衣服，”那女人回答道，“我不在乎什么颜色或样式，只要能让我看起来瘦20磅并且年轻10岁就行。”
这时，我听到从另一个试衣间里传来一个女人的叫声：“给我也来一件那样的！”
3.Wrinkles Are Back
I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"
sinus n.窦
swell v.肿胀
皱纹都回来了
我患上了严重的鼻窦感染，整个左脸又肿又胀，不得不住进了医院。第三天，护士一句话使我相信自己正在好转，她兴奋地说：“你看，你脸上的皱纹都回来了！”
4. Good Spot
It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate High School in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.
arc v. 抛投
好位置
纽约市布鲁克林区温盖特高中篮球训练的第一天，教练杰克·卡米纳递给每个球员一个球，“伙计们，”他说道，“请你们在比赛时你们可能在的位置开始练习投篮。”
12号替补球员立即坐到长凳上，开始把球投向篮筐。5. If Microsoft FirstInvented Books
1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a book activation code by phoning Microsoft.
2. Sorry, only one person may ever read your book.
3. It's full of spelling mistakes and typos.
4. When you're reading your book, the type can mysteriously disappear.
5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.
6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License Agreement before you can read your book.
7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the Agreement.
8. There are two versions of your book—the "Standard" and the "Pro" versions. In the Standard version, those pages containing the most useful information have been stuck together.
9. At random times, the letters of your book may suddenly scramble for no apparent reason. Simply give the book a good kicking—this is called rebooting.
typo n. 印刷错误
reboot v. 重新启动
如果微软最先发明了书
1.翻开新书之前，你必须打电话给微软，获取激活码。
2.很抱歉，您的书仅限一人阅读。
3.书里充满了拼写和印刷错误。
4.阅读时，书上的字可能神秘地消失。
5.分享书籍的图书馆是非法的。
6.你必须先确认你已经阅读并理解了《图书许可协议》，然后才可以看书。
7.微软有权进入你所在的地方对书进行检查，以确保你按照《协议》要求阅读你的书。
8.你的书会有两种版本——“标准版”和“专业版”。在标准版里，含有最有用信息的页面是粘在一起的。
9.书上的文字随时可能会无缘无故乱成一团。只要狠狠地踢一脚书就能解决问题——这叫做重启。
6. Plastic Surgery Is Better
After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants."
"But what about your smile?" she asked.
"If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth."
tummy tuck 缩腹术
silicone implant 硅胶假体植入
不如整容
我长期未检查牙齿，这次检查后，我和牙医坐下来逐项确认我需要进行的口腔治疗。她估计总共要花9,200美元。我倒吸了一口凉气：“这些钱都够我做腹部抽脂和隆胸啦！”“那你的微笑不重要吗？”她问道。“如果我做了那些，我保证没有人会注意我的牙齿。”我答道。
7. Short Manager
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him—his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
当着矮子别说短话
我在一家餐厅工作，餐厅经理平易近人，很受爱戴。但有一件事没有人敢在他面前讨论，这就是他的身高。换句话说，他个子不高。有一天，他冲进门，愤怒地说：“刚才有人掏了我的兜儿！”
我和大多数服务员都没有言语，只有一个人脱口说道：“怎么有人能把腰弯这么低？”
8. Get Used to
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages."
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
moody adj. 不快的
hearing aid 助听器
见怪不怪
我在邮局工作，经常与有情绪的人打交道。所以，当一个怒气冲冲的客户冲到柜台前时，我便用最平静的声音问道：“有什么问题吗？”“我今天上午出去了，”她说，“等我回家后，发现了一张卡片，上面说邮差想投递一个包裹，但没有人在家。整个上午我丈夫都在家，可他没有听见任何动静！”
我道歉后，给她拿了包裹。“噢，好极了，”她夸张地说，“我们等这个包裹等了好久了。”“这是什么？”我问道。“我丈夫的新助听器。”
9. In a Perfunctory Way
Lisa, my co-worker at the bus company, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier, and dug out the letter I'd written then. "All you have to do," I told her, "is change the details, the date and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We don't need to change the name."
fiasco n. 惨败
敷衍了事
我在公交公司工作。同事丽莎要给一位乘客发一封道歉信，原因是这位乘客的整个乘车过程都很不愉快。我提醒她去年也发生过类似的情况，还翻出来我那时写的信，并告诉她：“你只要把一些细节、日期和乘客名字改一下就可以了。”
她看完了信，撇嘴一笑说：“我们不用改名字了。”10. Do Not FearEarthquakes
When I moved to California, I was a nervous wreck about earthquakes. My friend Linda, who was born and raised there, was completely blasé. I remember once when we pulled up to a light, her Honda began to shake. She looked worried until I stammered, "I think that we're having an earthquake."
"Thank goodness," Linda said, "I thought something was wrong with my car."
wreck n. （身体或精神）严重受损的人
blasé adj. 见怪不怪的
不惧地震
我搬到加利福尼亚后，总是很害怕地震。朋友琳达在那里土生土长，对地震早已见怪不怪了。有一次我们赶上红灯停车时，她的本田车晃了起来。她神色焦虑，我结结巴巴地说：“我想我们遇上地震了。”“谢天谢地，”琳达说，“我还以为是我的车出了问题。”
11. Special Circumstances
Most businesses like that our credit card machines automatically print "Thank you, please come again!" at the bottom of receipts. Though one guy called to ask if I could take it off.
"Sure," I said. "But do you mind my asking why?"
"It just seems inappropriate," he answered. "We're a funeral home."
receipt n. 收据
特殊情况
我们的信用卡刷卡机会在收据底部自动打印上“谢谢，欢迎再来！”，大多数商铺对此都表示欢迎。只有一个人打电话来，问我是否可以去掉这句话。“当然可以，”我说，“不过您介意告诉我这是为什么吗？”“因为这句话放在这儿似乎不恰当，”他回答说，“我们这儿是一家殡仪馆。”
12.Good Marksmanship
Guns always gave me the willies. But when my new job required me to transport valuables, I decided I needed one for protection.Since I knew next to nothing about firearms, I joined a pistol club, hoping to pick up some much-needed pointers. After watching and evaluating my technique for a few weeks, the instructor pulled me aside.
"Are you open to a suggestion?" he asked.
"Absolutely," I replied.
"Hire a bodyguard," he said.
willies n.恐惧；紧张不安
好枪法
枪总是让我感到害怕。但是，我的新工作需要运输贵重物品，于是我打定主意买支枪保护自己。因为我对枪支基本一无所知，所以就加入了一个手枪俱乐部，希望能恶补一些必要的常识。教官在对我的技术进行了几周的观察评估之后，把我拉到了一边。“你愿意听我一个建议吗？”他问道。“当然。”我回答。“雇一个保镖吧。”他说道。
13. Processing Color Film
A woman sent the negative of a poodle to a photo-finishing lab. When the print was made, the dog came out looking green. Figuring that there must have been a mistake in the color balance, a problem which plagues color processors, the lab tried again and again, and finally got the dog to come out a kind of the improbable tan.
The woman who sent in the negative was furious when she got the picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed the lab, she had dyed green.
negative n. 底片
poodle n. 贵妇犬，贵宾犬
底片如此
一个女人把一张贵妇犬的照片底片送到照片冲洗店冲洗。照片洗出来后，狗看起来是绿色的。洗照片的人觉得一定是色彩平衡出了问题，而这个问题也恰好一直困扰着他们，于是又试了一次又一次，终于洗出来的照片上狗成了有点怪异的棕褐色。
送底片的女人看到这张棕褐色贵妇犬的照片时十分生气，她告诉冲洗店的工作人员，是她把狗染成绿色的。
试读结束[说明：试读内容隐藏了图片]