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Mr. Punch on the Warpath试读：
MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present dayMilitary Education.
General. "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of cavalry in modern warfare?"
Mr. de Bridoon. "Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise be a mere vulgar brawl!"
MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
HUMOURS OF THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE RESERVE FORCESWITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, C. L. POTT, CHARLES PEARS, E. T. REED, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, G. D. ARMOUR, FRED. PEGRAM, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND OTHERS.
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN
"FORWARD!"
Was there ever protean like Mr. Punch! The little man is a wonder. In so many guises do we encounter him—now as tourist, again as playgoer, as huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where not and how not?—that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on the warpath. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people?
Of course it may be suggested that in the present book we do not have what is entirely a record of his achievements on many a well-fought field. There are not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only recent experience of the real thing leaves Mr. Punch too sore of heart to say much about it. But as we are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace prepare for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, we are always "preparing"—hence, perhaps, the reason why we are never ready. But there is a deal of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to Mr. Punch. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the past Charles Keene found many of his happiest subjects in the humours of military life and volunteering, while to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic volunteer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many brilliant aiders and abettors.
Mr. Punch is, by turns, general, drum major, full private, cavalry man and "kiltie," he is also A. B. when the occasion serves, and would be horse-marine if necessary! At all events he has given the command, and it's "Forward!"
MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
Waterloo up-to-date (a fact.) Belgian Guide. Ze brave Picton 'e fall in ze arms of victoire—— Facetious Britisher. Where was Lord Roberts?
Guide (not to be done). Lord Robert 'e stand on zis montagne, and 'e cry, "Hoop, Garde, and at zem!"
The report that there are 46,719 total abstainers in the British Army is welcome news, but what grieves recruiting officers is the number of total abstainers from the British Army.
Curious Military Fact.—The seat of war is always the spot where two forces are standing up to one another.
A Spot to be avoided by Royal Artillerymen.—Gunnersbury.
Advice for Martinets.—Military authorities should consider whether it would not be advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the tidiness of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess.
Among Warriors.
Interested Patron. So I see you lost an arm in the battle.
An Atkins ("back from the Front"). Ay, sir, and my companion here (indicating Atkins No. 2) he lost a leg.
Patron. And your Colonel—in the same battle, eh?
Atkins No. 2. Ah! he was worse off than either of us, sir; he lost his head.
Army Chaplains.—Wouldn't they be all doubly serviceable in time of war if they were all canons?
Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers). "Here Nelson fell."
Old Lady. "An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery place! I nearly fell there myself!"
"THE BLACK WATCH"
The Black Watch will go night and day.
The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate.
The Black Watch always keeps time.
The Black Watch is never out of gear.
The Black Watch wants no "winding up."
The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.
Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers). Now tell me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?
P. of D. F. Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me.
A Mystery from Shoebury.—When does the cannon ball? When the Vickers-Maxim.
"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her niece, "I do know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think."
Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the front). "Charlie says our Generals are perfect idiots!"
FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS
(From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist)
How to represent the Army.—Long skirt of gauzy material, parasol tied with tricolour ribands, silk blouse with epauletted sleeves and a Crimean medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High-heeled shoes. Regimental levée scarf worn over the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat attached to the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag.
How to represent the Navy.—Short skirt decorated with brooch anchors. Garibaldi with naval collar. Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver letters H.M.S. Coquette. Hair built up à la "Belle of New York" surmounted with a small sailor hat decorated with streamers.
Something Military.—The officers of the Blankshire Cavalry possess, individually and collectively, more money than those of any other regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so—we name no names—these gallant heroes ought to be known as "The Tin Soldiers."
How Effectually to Produce "Silence in the Ranks."—Use the Dum Dum bullets.
Paid in his own Coin; or, what we should like to see.
Convicted Contractor. "Look here! I can't walk in these boots, and I can't eat this food!"
Warder Punch. "Well, you've got to; it's what you supplied to the troops."OUR NON-COMS.
Orderly Sergeant (to officer). "Beg your pardon, sorr, but 'm wan ration short. Who will I give it to?"The Military Peril.
Old Lady (to member of signalling section, who has just commenced to reply to a message). "Young man, if you think to alarm me by wagging those flags about, you are very much mistaken!"
THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY
That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.
That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries and cream.
That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in the neighbourhood on a bicycle.
That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly "shoppy."
That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links or tyres.
That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to Waterloo in forty minutes.
That life under canvas is recommended by the doctors when it is subject to certain favourable climatic conditions.
That, with the power of enjoying your outing to the end, or cutting it short at the beginning, you can yet claim credit for your self-denial and patriotism.Corona Finit Opus.
Mary Anne. "When are they going to start this army reform they talk such a lot about?"
Private Atkins. "Why bless your 'eart, it's all done! Look at our new caps!"THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN
Private Sweeny (Highland regiment). "Colony bog, is it? Thin bedad! I wish I was back in Tipperary!"BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY
Troop Sergeant-Major. "It comes to this, captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a new jacket or knock off one o' my meals!"
UNIFORMITY
Scene—Pall Mall. Enter officer in full uniform hurriedly. He is stopped by messenger.
Messenger. Yes, sir?
Officer. I want to see the Commander-in-Chief at once.
Messenger. Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman who has just entered the room is likely to be there for the next three hours. He came here two minutes before your arrival.
Officer. But is a civilian allowed to take precedence of an officer in full uniform?
Messenger. Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a civilian; but an officer like yourself.
Officer. And yet he is admitted in mufti! Why, here have I had to come up from the country in full rig, being chaffed at the railway station, grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the crowd!
Messenger. Yes, sir. Very sorry you should have been inconvenienced, sir, especially as it was unnecessary, sir!
Officer. Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and regiment?
Messenger. No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the second of April, is the proper date. To-day, sir, is the first of April.
Officer. And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date! Quite the most appropriate date!
Messenger. Yes, sir!
(Curtain.)
The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea—as some persons profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry.
An Impossible Manœuvre in Autumn.—To be in the March past.
The Best Military Drawing.—Drawing your pay.The Handy Man.
What he will have to become, if recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new battleships are constructed.DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
Hector. "Now then, young feller—who are you staring at?"
Hodge. "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? I pays vor yer!"NOT FOR PATRICK!
["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new Irish Guards."—Daily Paper.]
What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees,
As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P's?
Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches,
An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.
What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl
Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!
No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it,
But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.
In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or promotion, or in respect of any minor irregularities." In future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted will not need to say, with the King of Denmark, "O, my offence is rank!""MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS"
Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.
MILITARY SURGERY
Dear Field-Marshal Punch.—In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure passage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manœuvres.
Yours respectfully,Corporal Trim."All's Well!"
Cockney Volunteer (on sentry go). "Halt! Who goes there?"
Rustic. "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE
"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his boots!"
Elder Sister (coming up). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"
Kitty (engaged to the Captain). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"
War News.—"Reports of Conflicts," i.e., "Conflicting Reports."
"AN ARMED NATION"
["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."—Daily Press.]
EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES
1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man.
2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final.
3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl fiercely at the enemy.
4. Where the commanding officer, in his discretion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle—i.e. one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.
5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.
6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.
7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.
North Cork Militia Man. "Am I to shalute him, or no? Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniral."The Imperial Yeomanry.
Recruit. "Look 'ere, mister, it ain't no good. This saddle won't go on this 'ere 'orse. I got it over is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is legs through nohow!"
THE NECESSARY KIT
["A housewife will now form part of the free kit of necessaries."—Army Order.]
It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man,
That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann.
Well, now 'ere's the latest horder—just yer take a read of it—
That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit.
Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said!
But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead.
Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit,
For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit.
They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet,
That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit
If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit.
But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell, And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall,
But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit,
If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.
"Advance Notes" (Military).—The bugler's.
Boatswain (to newly-joined cadet). "Come, my little man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did your mother cry when you left?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"
Cadet. "No, sir."
Boatswain. "'Ard-'earted old beggar!""A Little Knowledge."
Fair Visitor (with a thirst for military knowledge). "So all the kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"
Gallant Major. "Really—er—I've no—er—idea, I'm sure, don't y'know."
Fair Visitor. "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"
Officer (to Irish sentry on guard tent). "Why don't you face your proper front, sentry?"
Sentry. "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"Sandhurst and its Messes.
General Bouncer (on a round of inspection at Sandhurst). "Augh! Can you tell me what 'mess' this is?"
Cadet. "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)
The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal hotel.Explained.
Auntie (explaining morning manœuvres of His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall). "Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the whole lot—and then there's two more!"
[Youthful niece sees.
Songs and their Singers.—Jack (singing at the top of his voice)—"There's only one girl in the world for me!"—Popular Song.
[According to the Daily Telegraph zebra mules have been introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.Would not their introduction—as above—into Whitehall
lend a new and even more quaintly picturesque touch of
grandeur to the scene?
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST
On the Army.
Astonishing lot of nonsense the Daily Wire prints about military affairs ... no, I do not waste my time reading it. Any intelligent citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And our army is rotten, madam—rotten to the core.... What? That reminds you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please—I'm not talking about apples. Just consider these manœuvres, and the plain common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I didn't say they had interfered with us—but just think of the disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress bills—but I was talking about the army.
Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds—there's a life for you.... What do you know about it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell him something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense—like myself—don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.
First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and—eh? Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!... If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the Daily Wire on the subject.Scene—Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at
which the Company's Commander has been examining his
men's rifle-bores with the aid of the little reflector which is
commonly dropped into the breach for this purpose.
Private Atkins (who has been checked for a dirty rifle). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye!
Motto for a Bazaar in aid of Military Funds.—"Oh, the wild charge they made!"
The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".
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