作者：Gideon Wurdz
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The Foolish Dictionary试读：
Preface.
In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier—and wordier—works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.
With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.
In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty fromGideon Wurdz.ABBREVIATIONS.Bet.Between.Distinguish.Dist.Eng.English.Fr.French.Ger.German.Grk.Greek.Lat.Latin.Syn.Synonym.v. i.Verb intransitive.v. t.Verb transitive.It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.Distilled waters run deep.ABSINTHE From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."
ABSTINENCE
From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."ACCESSION A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling, Axe-session.ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better.ADAMANT From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, or hard.ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiresses adore them.ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the GOOD ADVICEone thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.ADVERSITY A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.AFFINITY Complimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.AGE Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.
ALDERMAN
A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng. all, and Greek derma, meaning skin—"all skin."ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money).ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for HOMŒOPATHYeverybody. From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, just the same.ALPHABET A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.ANCESTORS The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.ANGEL A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart.ANTI-ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose conscience works overtime.ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts—particularly poker.APPENDICITIS A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.ARSONINSURANCE Derived from the Hebrew. (See ).ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.
ATHLETE
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.AUGUR One who bored the ancients with prophecies.
AUTOMOBILE
From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't.AUTOMOBILIST A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver.Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.
BABY
From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."
A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.BACHELOR From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.BACKBITER A mosquito.BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.BANDITALDERMAN An outlaw. See .BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).
BARGAIN
A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).BASEBALL A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.BEACH A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven—or heaven—for Smacks the year around.BENEDICT A married male.BENEDICTINE A married female.BENEDICTION Their children.BERTH An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.BICYCLE-SKIRT A abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter and men longer.BIGAMY A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board bills instead of two.BILLIOUSNESS A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.BILL-OF-FARE A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in the right-hand column.BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with tremors.BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby.BLUEINVISIBLE BLUE
The only color we can feel. A policeman.BLUSH A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.BOARD An implement for administering corporal punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen.BONE One Dollar—the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.BONNETS A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the Graft family.BORROW v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.BOWER A shady retreat, in general.BOWERY A shady retreat in New York.BRACE Security for the trousers.BRACER Security for the stomach.BRACELET Security for the pawn-broker.BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.BRAND Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.BRASS BAND A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for holding a crowd together.BRICK An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall—but never afterward.BRIMSTONE A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.BREVITY A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the fireworks.BROKE A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much bent on speculating.BUM A fallen tough.BUMP A tough fall.BUNCO The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.BY-STANDER One who is injured in a street fight.People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.Don't put all your eggs in one basket—try an incubator.CAB Affair for a drive.CABBY Driver for a fare.
CACHINNATION
The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.CADDIE A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself.CAFE A place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.CAJOLE v. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and Eng. jolly, to jolly beautifully.CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even the stars.CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,—to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.CAPE A neck in the sea.CAPER A foot in the air.
CARNEGIE-ITIS
A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public libraries.CART v. t., To take off.CARTOON The take-off.CAULIFLOWER A Cabbage with a college education.CAVALRY That arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-tilities.CEMETERY The one place where princes and paupers, porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.CHAMPAGNE The stuff that makes the world go round.CHAIR Four-legged aid to the injured.CHARITY Forehanded aid to the indigent.CHAUFFEUR A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.CHRISTIAN A member of any orthodox church.CHRISTMAS A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.CINDER One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.COLLEGE From Fr. colle, pasted or stuck, and etude, study. A place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)
COLONEL
A male resident of Kentucky.KERNEL
See .COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con,—hot air, and Lat. pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.COMPLEXION Color for the face. From Eng. complex, difficult, and shun, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a josh, and mend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, to command. One who commands the coin.CONSCIENCE The fear of being found out.COOK A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for Policemen.CORPS A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples and corps found in arms).CORSET From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough. Rough on the shape.COSMETIC A new face-maker. From Grk. kosmos, order, and Eng. medic, or doctor,—ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)COT A snooze for one.COTILLON A dance for eight.CREDIT Something for nothing.CREDITOR Something with nothing.CREDULITY A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.CREMATION A means of disposing of the dead likely to become very popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the last retort.CRITIC A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.CROW A bird that never complains without caws.CULTURE A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.CUPID A driver of sharp darts.CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals.CYNIC A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.Out of fight, out of coin.—The Pugilist's Plaint.DABBLE v. t., To play in water.DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing.DACHSHUND A low-down dog.DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated).DEAD Without life. See Boston.DEADER Pompeii.DEADEST Philadelphia.DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it.DEBT A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is contracted.
DEE-LIGHTED
An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.
(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length).DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and Eng. gag. One who gags the people.DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.DEN A cavity.DENT To punch.DENTIST One who punches the face and fills cavities.DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray.
DEVIL
An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary McLane.DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.DIARY An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away.DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other support.DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil.DIE An effect.DIET Frequently a cause.DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile.DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck.DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods.DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.DIVE A gambler's retreat.DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward.DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.DOCK A place for laying up.DOCTOR One who lays you up.DREAM What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.DRAFTDRAUGHT () What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat.DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
DYNAMITE
The peroration of an anarchist's argument.DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad temper.Out of sight, only in mind.—Ballad of the Blind Beggar.A word to the wise is useless.EAGLE The national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.EARL
A title of nobility.EARLY A title of stupidity. See old saw,
"Early to bed and early to rise,Makes a man a farmer!"
EARTH
A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.
EGG
A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.
ELECTION
A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full—particularly the lodging-houses.ENCORE A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig,—common among pigs.ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.
EQUATOR
An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.ERR To make a mistake.ERRATIC Full of mistakes.ETHER One of the world's three great composers—the others being Gas and Chloroform—whose airs are popular among the suffering.ETIQUETTE A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.EVOLUTION A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.EXCURSION From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey—formerly an enjoyment—sold at half price.EXERCISE Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-pile.EXPANSION A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.—Boston.
The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples—Washington, D.C.
A doubtful commercial experiment.—Wall Street.
The white man's burden.—Kipling.EXPLOSION A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.EXPOSITION An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or two behind time.It's never too late to spend.A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.FAILURE The quickest method known for making money.FEINT A pugilist's bluff.FAINT A woman's bluff.FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an invitation to dine.FAKE A false report.FAKIR A false reporter.FAME Having a brand of cigars named after you.
FAMILY
Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their fare."FAULT About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist.FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal."FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees.FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on Sunday.FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box.FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.
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